You're in the middle of a construction project, and find you must return to the store because they sold you the wrong part. Do you stay gracious and request an exchange? Or do you go storming back into the store, ready to throw a fit?
Or maybe your relatives have been driving you crazy, and you want to do something about it. All of us struggle to some degree with when to make a stink and when to let something go.
If you're ready for a new way to think about the difference, maybe this will help--try distinguishing between frustration and injustice.
Life is full of frustration, and because we're social creatures, many of those frustrations come from co-existing with other people. When you're getting upset, ask yourself whether the source is just a frustration, or a true injustice.
Suppose you gave a large donation to a charity, and then they misspelled your name in the credits. That would be a frustration over human error. You might initially be offended, but you can set that aside when you realize there was no ill intent and no ill effect. If you let this go, and refrain from commenting on it, you won't likely harbor resentment and you won't be participating in enabling bad behavior.
Or, in the same vein, suppose you and your small children just moved to a new neighborhood, and then your next-door-neighbor starts building a pool. Even with the fence, you're a new parent, and you're nervous.
It's very frustrating, but as long as your neighbor is complying with the law, this is not an injustice. It's up to you whether you decide to quietly move away. Or perhaps you can gradually help your neighbor get to know and become attached to your children, in the hopes that this will prompt your neighbor to help look out for your kids.
None of these examples were necessarily injustices, but they sure can be frustrating.
Everyone has frustrations--they're just part of life. When you let them go, you can find some peace in knowing you are already doing all that is appropriate. You laugh at the misspelling, and you make sure your kids are fenced into your own yard, and that you're watching them closely.
But what if you think you have been passed over for a promotion because of your race? Or perhaps a loved one is injured by a drunk driver.
People sure can be frustrating, and we don't always agree with their beliefs or lifestyle, but there's another component here--these events are also injustices.
Sometimes a frustration is tugging at you because it's really an injustice. With some thought-time, if you realize there's a true injustice, then pursue it. But even then, there's more than one way to correct an injustice.
Case in point. My disabled son brings many frustrations to my life, and one of those happened when he got off the bus from his field trip and his glasses were gone. They were nowhere to be found. Apparently, his aide, who is supposed to watch out for him, was not with him for part of the day. The school was all too happy to let it go.
This frustration was bugging me, and I started to realize it's an injustice that the school isn't doing anything about it. So I decided it was worth it to me to contact the Director of Special Education. She pursued it as far as she could--the bus company was contacted and the site of the field trip was searched, but in the end the business office still did not offer to compensate us in any way.
Rather than pursue it further, as I'm rather busy doing better things, I decided a different way to correct the injustice--one that I have control over--one that would allow me to let go of my resentment. I stopped my charitable giving to the school. I ceased all giving until I felt that the expense was made up.
No anger. I felt in control again. Problem easily solved. Yes it's true that I didn't solve the problem for anyone else, but in this case, I'm satisfied with how far I've taken it. And now the special ed office is on the alert that my son did not have his aide with him when he should have been. The department can quietly correct that problem without me.
If you've had difficulty knowing when to pipe up, try testing the issue with this sharp division between frustration and injustice. You might be surprised to find that most of the time, it's just a plain old frustration.
And remember, frustration, and even occasional injustices, are part of life. You can tolerate them. You can even do something about them sometimes. But you don't have to eat in response to the feelings!
In the one case, if you realize it's just a frustration, you can remind yourself that all of life has frustrations and that you can tolerate them. The feelings will thus fade on their own, without your having to do something to chase them away.
On the other hand, if you determine that there was an injustice, instead of eating those feelings, you can decide upon a constructive act that will allow you to feel better. Either way, you won't need to eat in order to numb those ugly feelings.
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Okay so you totally messed things up. You over ate, and then got so upset about it that you ate some more. Finally you were in so much pain that you had to lie down. And strange things happened to your body that cannot be discussed delicately here.
I found you out? This behavior may be more common than you think. You are not alone! You may as well admit your secret to someone because, as they say, "You're only as sick as your secrets." But of course, find only a safe person to tell.
One key to recovery from binge eating is to stop thinking in black and white. Simple, yet difficult. It's time to allow yourself the luxury of stopping arbitrarily, right in the middle of the binge. If you can do that, you can recover.
Each time a binge starts, decide to stop arbitrarily. Celebrate every time you do that. Each time, you'll be able to stop earlier and earlier because you'll feel so good about achieving "arbitrariness."
Remember, the disorder won't go away overnight. But if you keep thinking in "shades of gray," rather than "black and white," if you discard notions of having to stop at midnight, or only when you're in pain, or only when all the ice cream's gone, if you can achieve "arbitrariness," then you will eventually be able to stop before it starts. And that's as good as it gets.
But that sounds pretty good to me.
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Are you white knuckling your weight loss? You know what I mean...you decide to lose weight, and you get on a program, you start to fe
el hungry or slightly deprived, but you tell yourself this is important, and keep your goal in sight.
Did you know that when it comes to eating, white knuckling never works? Those of you who know me, know that it's rare for me to say something so "black and white" as NEVER or ALWAYS.
But I've been around people recovering from eating issues long enough to boldly say that if you white knuckle your weight loss, it will backfire, at some point in the future.
Here are some ways people "white knuckle" their weight loss, all the while telling themselves that this will get them to their goal:
1. Eating food they don't like, such as vats of green soup
2. Taking some of the taste away, such as pancakes with syrup but no butter
3. Skipping breakfast or some other meal
4. Replacing a meal with a repulsive meal replacement
One woman lost one hundred pounds using one of those membership weight loss programs. When asked how she feels, she answered, "Oh I'm hungry all the time."
Do you really think this gal can last? Your body will inevitably rebel if it thinks it's hungry. You can't fool mother nature!
But what to do instead? Be abundantly kind to your body. The only answer is to practice finding your hunger signals and your fullness signals, and obeying them the best you can. Add to that a reasonable diet, including small amounts of everything, including dessert.
Check out an array of helpful books on Amazon.com.
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Have you ever thought about the centrality of meals to all of life? Even important business meetings sometimes center around coffee and donuts, or a restaurant meal. 
When we were all dieting, back in the bad old days, what made us think we could extract food from the rest of our lives? Eat different foods from those around us? Weigh and measure it? What were we thinking?
It's a mistake to vilify the importance of food. There's no getting away from eating as a social activity, and there's no need to, either.
The only diet tool I've ever seen that really works in all settings is eating small amounts and stopping when eighty percent full.
No matter where you are, you can do that. Yes I know that at your Italian mother-in-law's house, there's some pressure to eat big amounts, but you can learn to push food around on your plate, break the big wad of Italian bread in half, and cover everything with a napkin.
When questioned, say, "It was delicious. But I just couldn't eat that much." Then resist the pressure. (A nod to Gwen Shamblin for this suggestion.)
Sometimes it's other people that have to get over it, not you. But at least you're not insisting on skim milk for your coffee or sugar-free shrimp cocktail sauce. In other words, of all the diet demands made on dinner hosts nowadays, requiring only small portions is the kindest of them.
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I can't help laughing at myself sometimes. It's the best medicine, as they say, and hopefully it will cure what ails me (eventually).
While it's true I've discovered normal eating, that doesn't make me normal. In fact, from day to day I still struggle with self-acceptance. And I don't mean of the "I don't like myself today" variety. It's way more extreme. It rears its ugly head especially when I'm tired.
To measure up, I gotta compare myself with the worst criminals ever living. That's why I read true crime before falling asleep. Right now, I'm reading every book ever written about the Green River Killer, the serial killer disguised as a nice guy that took the lives of over 40 women before he got caught.
I've read so much about him that I've learned some intimate details of his life, and even have grown to like the guy, in a twisted kind of way.
Which brings us back around to normal eating. The Green River Killer, it turns out, was a normal eater. (Well, I suppose he still is now that he's behind bars.)
He used to say such mundane and level-headed things as "I've had enough food for today." And that was that. He'd stop eating for the day, even if his gentle wife would offer him a delectable slice of cheesecake. As a result, he stays slim and trim.
There's really no point to this entry, except to say let's ditch the idea that we have to "achieve" some kind of wellness before we can eat normally. How about do what the Green River Killer did (I don't mean the killing.) I mean, say, "I've had enough food for today."
And know forever that you don't have to be right in the head in order to learn normal eating. What a relief, huh? Not one of us is entirely right in the head anyway.
I hope my readers can take this in the right light. I never mean to make light of a killer. But sometimes we just gotta laugh at ourselves, and I'm sure some of my readers can identify.
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Some diet survivors get stuck. They say, "But what really is fullness? I know no end to fullness."
It's understandable, especially for those who have had binge eating disorder. It can take a while after ending the bingeing to be able to find fullness again. 
It's also understandable in light of how diets make us follow rigid rules and ignore what our bodies are telling us!
It's time to start believing in your own wisdom and judgment. Even with a guideline, you're the only one around who will know when you're full.
So try asking yourself toward the end of a meal, "Am I about eighty percent full?" Eighty percent is a good place to stop. Then do your human best to find approximately 80 percent, and stop eating.
If numbers don't work for you, then ask yourself, "Will this next bite be hunger or greed?" You'll know what to do after that.
Don't eat again until you're hungry. And don't forget, eat only delicious food.
Finding fullness is an art of approximation, not a science. The amazing thing is, when it comes to eating, approximate really is good enough.
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Recently, someone in the Diet Survivors group complained that our board has too much personality.
Well well well! That's by design. Here's my thinking. My vision for people who come to the Diet Survivors message board is for them to find their OWN wisdom, their OWN critical thinking. 
In my opinion, the most devastating result of dieting is a surrender of one's individuality and sense of reason.
By infusing my personality in the Diet Survivors materials and on the board, and reinforcing my name, I'm always endeavoring for people to know when it's me speaking.
That's because I'm always trying, in my own small way, to MODEL critical thinking.
That's why one member recently commented that I take her by surprise in the things I say.
I don't do it to be contrary. I do it because I'm not totally subscribed to anything, including normal eating. Rather, I simply try to be an intellectual about things. That's what I'm modeling.
That's why people on this board are not being turned into normal-eating crazies. They're not becoming militant and rigid about yet a new thing.
There's a modicum of truth in every idea--even dieting. I'm certain that a small segment of the population does okay with a formal diet. Why say otherwise? Saying otherwise only promulgates more lies.
Haven't we had enough lies from the diet industry? How about if our new approach to life, our new world view, be an intellectual one? The intellectual approach holds little room for sweeping generalizations and broad brushes.
For those of you who feel lost, those who've wandered into extreme religions, extreme diets, a spartan lifestyle, have addictions or compulsions, or any other polarized way of approaching the world, and who are sick of it, here's a suggestion.
Begin to think of yourself as an emerging intellectual. You don't have to be bookish. Just willing to set your mind to things. You'd be amazed at how freeing it is. Be a free thinker.
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Learn more about normal eating at Eat Normal Now
Here's a reminder today to wear clothes that fit. Wouldn't that have been common sense to your great-grandmother? But how often do we squeeze ourselves into the next size down?
I don't know about you, but when I wear something tight, I construe it as pressure to lose weight.
That kind of pressure backfires, whether you actually need to lose the weight or not.
Be comfortable. And don't feel guilty about all the clothes you can't wear right now. It's part of the cost of being human. Hide them under your bed. Out of sight, out of mind.
A Diet Survivors message board member asks, "Can I suggest a great book to follow up How to Survive Your Diet? Geneen Roth's book When You Eat at The Refrigerator Pull Up a Chair." 
I haven't read this book, but I hear it's a great book, and I love the title. Besides self-loving, the title is also humorous.
I don't know if many of you realize this, but humor is an effective part of learning normal eating, and learning so many other things too. Laughing at yourself will actually take you through the process faster.
Some folks come into adulthood and beyond, never really learning to laugh at themselves or finding humor in things, but I've observed that people seem to be able to learn this at any age.
This may sound counter-intuitive, but sometimes in the name of self-loving, we erroneously refrain from goofing on our own frailties. But the truth is that when we are secure and confident, we are also secure and confident about our foibles and weaknesses. I goof on mine all the time. I have so many!
It's interesting to me that Karen R. Koenig, my favorite normal eating guru, is the same way. We even call ourselves "stupid" from time to time. It's fun.
Has anyone here noticed that when you embrace normal eating, you find out that some things you learned are turned on their heads? Conventional wisdom turns out to be wrong on so many fronts, including humor.
We discover we were misled.
Gwen Shamblin, author of the Christian book The Weigh Down Diet, calls this phenomenon "opposite world."
Think a little bit opposite today. Try and see what it's like to lovingly goof on yourself. Let yourself laugh hard. You'll find your way out of your eating dysfunction faster. No kidding.
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Learn more about normal eating at Eat Normal Now
Are you trying to lose weight, but it keeps up your disordered eating? You may have to choose. 
Now, don't get me wrong. This is not permanent. But for many disordered eaters, the only way to regain sanity is to put off your weight loss goals. Why is this?
Much is known today about eating disorders, including the fact that they are often caused by diets. Dieters with disordered eating will often redouble their dieting efforts, thinking the disordered eating will somehow straighten out after the weight loss. But it's a lie.
The diet industry has sold us a bill of goods. Diets won't cure anything, and for many of you, as long as you keep trying to lose weight, you will always be limited in your ability to regain normal eating.
Nobody is going to fix this for you, except you. Ultimately, you may be faced with a decision. Do you want your life back? Do you want to act like a normal person when you're at a party, eating what and when you like, removing all compulsion to binge in reaction to restriction?
It might be time for you. Have you hit rock bottom yet? If not, decide that you'd rather not wait until it's that bad. Instead, find the normal eating track, and put off your weight loss goals for now. You won't regret it.
Living life normally while overweight is probably far better than the roller coaster you're currently on.
Click on the book cover for more information
Normal Eating solutions: (You'll see after clicking how to subscribe to them)
Normal Eating blog
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Find out more about Linda Moran's book, How to Survive Your Diet.
Visit the home of the book, The Rules of Normal Eating
Learn more about normal eating at Eat Normal Now
