Subtle sabotage or sane systems?

Sometimes our family's help looks like sabotage. But is it always? Read this eye-opening guest essay, adapted with permission from the author, Sue Corning of Seattle, Washington. Thank you, Sue.

Do any of you live with 'normal eaters' who just don't understand your struggles with weight, dieting and food fears? My husband was a thin, normal eater most of his life, BEFORE he met me and came face to face with my DISORDERED EATING HABITS. He usually ate exactly what he wanted, which meant snack foods, desserts or fast foods for most meals, and sometimes a home-cooked, balanced meal for variety.

He was a bachelor until age 42 when we married. Then he tried to accommodate my 'no snacks between meals'
approach by joining me for meals while he continued to snack. He gained 25# during the first 8 years of our marriage. Fortunately I found Weigh Down Classes which reminded him of his previous normal eating style and helped him lose 20# and taught me normall eating for the first time and helped me begin my recovery journey.

However, my husband endured many years with my distorted body image, food fears and rigid eating habits. During those years he mostly bit his lip when he wanted to tell me that my eating habits kept me in a counterproductive battle between my brain and my body. However after I began my normal eating journey, he patiently answered all my questions about what hunger or satisfaction felt like. Nevertheless he still DID things
which seemed like sabotage, but which I now recognize as very sane systems to challenge my insane eating and body beliefs.

When I decided to legalize all foods (and especially my former binge foods), he indulged me with gross amounts of any foods I loved or spoke of fondly ... NOT the veggies, low fat meats or low fat dairy products, but fruits,
cookies, candy and ice cream! Then after I learned I had celiac disease with specific food intolerances to gluten (wheat, barley, oats and rye), dairy and soy, my husband did everything he could to prevent my feeling 'deprived'
of goodies. He picked up breads and pastries at TWO local gluten free bakeries. When we found gluten/dairy/soy free 'kosher' chocolate bars at a local grocery store, he purchased those by the case every time we visited
that store.

He never read 'Overcoming Overeating', but he did exactly what that book suggested I do when I 'legalized all foods'. He filled the house with more than I could possibly eat in one binge ... even a binge/purge episode. I
STILL binged and purged after legalizing foods. However I never could consume the whole stash of goodies in one binge. I often 'cleaned out' all of one kind of 'treat' in one binge, but there was always enough other
treats left in the cupboards and freezer for at least 3 more binges. I often considered getting rid of all the tempting food during those binges.

However I eventually learned I would always love those foods and want them again after binge/purge episodes. During that process I learned to eat everything sanely. Meanwhile my husband kept buying everything I liked in
abundant supplies. So I realized the food was not going to disappear. Slowly my binges declined. Finally I learned to interrupt binges and eliminate them altogether. Was my husband's goody supply generosity a SUBTLE
SABOTAGE OR SANE SYSTEM???

I recently considered that question when I found 12 single rolls of toilet paper stored on my bathroom scales. I asked my husband to put a 12 roll TP package in my bathroom cupboard. Previously I also had made some 'fat'
comments about my body. Of course I'm not overweight, but I haven't been doing firming exercises, so I 'feel' a little flabby.

Anytime I have celiac bloat, I also see a 'fat' stomach. This month I weighed 2 pounds more than last month. I suspect I gained those during the 3-4 binges I interrupted. 2 pounds is a small price to pay for that priceless lesson of learning how to interrupt and/or transform binge wannabe situations. Nevertheless, I weighed twice already this month and I told my husband that I needed to cut back a little.

I'm not sure what he was thinking when he unwrapped the 12 roll cellophane wrapped package of TP and covered my scales with those rolls. However when I considered weighing myself a few days ago, I opened the cupboard to retrieve my scales and found those 12 little precariously balanced characters inhibiting my use of the scales. At first I felt frustrated, but then I laughed at my husband's system to sabotage my bad body image insanity.

So I want to ask anyone reading this topic:

Do you live with any 'normal eaters'? Are they 'clueless' about your fears about food, your body shame or hatred or your rigid eating rules?

Do your eating habits frustrate or confuse your family members or housemates? If you rigidly restrict, do they suggest that you 'just eat'?

If you try to avoid your favorite foods in order to lose weight, do your 'normal eater' pals surprise you with gifts of your favorite foods?

Do those normal eaters do crazy things like put 2 bites left from their meal in a refrigerator storage container which eventually takes on a life of its own, because they forget about those leftovers? (I manage the contents of
our refrigerator and continually scold my husband for forgetting about his leftovers. I NEVER FORGET ONE BITE OF LEFTOVER FOOD!)

Do you wonder whether those normal eaters are trying to sabotage your dieting success? Or do you wonder whether they could teach you how to eat and approach foods more sanely?

When I consider how I ate during the first half of my marriage, I wonder:

Were my eating habits rigidly restrictive enough to be considered anorexic? Did my regular episodes of binge/purging qualify me for the 'bulimic' label?

Did my husband even care about eating disorder labels? Did he ever realize how much he helped me to become a normal eater, not only by modelling normal eating AFTER I learned from Weigh Down that normal eating was sane, but also by using his sane systems to challenge my insanity?

I'd have to answer those questions: yes, yes, no, and not until tonight, when I read this topic to him.

Do you have normal eaters in your family or living situation? If so, go give them a hug ASAP and thank them for modelling sane eating habits while you pursued disordered eating habits. If you don't have any normal eater models,
keep reading and posting.

You can watch a few of us evolve into normal eaters. Some of us are lucky enough to be caught up in sane systems which we thought were subtle sabotage until we grasped the meaning of 'normal eating'.