Diet Survivors: July 2005 Archives

Welcome to the non-diet weblog. Are you a binge eater? You are not alone. This blog is a companion to the free
Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter.

What is compulsive overeating, anyway? Also called binge eating disorder, this problem is more serious than you might think.

According to Renfrew, an eating disorders clinic based in Philadelphia, it can have serious medical implications. The Renfrew website states, "If left untreated, compulsive overeating can lead to severe medical problems including high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease, and depression."

If you have been binge eating, you know the out-of-control feeling. To learn more about compulsive overeating, or binge eating disorder, here is some information from Betterway Press.

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For you either/or thinkers and rule-followers, there's a danger in giving non-dieting a name. You might pressure yourself with new edicts! "I'm non-dieting and I MUST do this correctly."

Non-dieting is nothing more than following nature's intended call a little more than we used to. For whatever reason, although life is full of rules and structure, it doesn't work well to impose too much rules and structure on eating, and we've all discovered this truth the hard way.

Many of us take comfort in our rules, and that makes sense. The world is a complicated place, and it helps to make a little order from the chaos. Rules about who people are and how we fit in provide simplicity. (I believe the excessive need for such simplicity is what leads to prejudices.)

When we overdo the structure, we sap some of the joy and spontaneity out of life. What to do? The answer, of course, is a balance.

So, too, with food. Many of you wonder how you're supposed to follow your body's timetable for food and at the same time hold down a job? You're supposed to eat whatever your body calls for, but the fare at the cafeteria or worse--the food truck--is limited?

Balance. We do not have to be slaves to our bodies, either. We can discover our general natural schedule, and then do our best to accomodate it. We can figure out what we like best, and then approximate it from the fare that's offered. We can eat light at work, and eat our favorite foods at home. We can carry a little bit of snacks with us. It can all work out.

No matter how complicated our lives, if we want to learn to eat normally, we can do it. We can call it non-dieting, but remember what that really means more than anything else -- learning to believe truths about ourselves, food, our bodies, eating, and dieting. And that means dismantling some rules.

With love, Linda Moran

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No, it's not another book to buy. Books do help, but what is the goal here? To rely on others in order to eat?

Every person in the world has a book inside them. It's hidden, and it's their book of food wisdom. For some, it's easy to reach, and they read it regularly. For others, they're a bit out of touch with it, but with a little concentration, they discover that it was near the surface all along, and they begin to use it regularly.

For still others, it's buried quite deep. Yet there are ways to reach your book of food wisdom. The way you do it is by making connections. This means: thinking about the subject of food wisdom, listening to the food wisdom of others, reading sections of the food wisdom book of others, even pretending that your book of food wisdom is more accessible than it really is (the old "fake it til you make it" technique).

After a while, you will be in touch with your own book. Its index will offer a quick lookup. Its table of contents will lead you to where you need to go. Sometimes you can just leaf through and find what you're looking for that way.

Soon, others will be looking to your book in order to get in touch with their own. Nice huh?

With love, Linda Moran

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Back in my thirties, back when I was a black and white thinker, I had lots of edicts and "musts," and wasn't terribly in touch with subtle feelings. Things were either terrific or they were awful.

I'd just gotten married at age 34, and was now expecting our first baby. Fortunately, fertility came easily to me. I had been worried about it, and would have been totally freaked out if it didn't happen quickly, as I felt I was already aging and wanted several children.

I met a woman in my Fit Mammas class that told me her fertility story. She and hubby had waited for the perfect time, and then tried and tried and tried. They tried for a year. And this was how she concluded her story to me, "We were disappointed."

Disappointed? I would have been beside myself! As an either/or kind of person, "disappointed" was not a word in my vocabulary. I was amazed that she was so calm about it. The epilogue, of course, was that they finally did conceive, and that's how she came to be in my Fit Mammas class.

I pondered her response to life's frustrations for a long time after that. Having been raised in a home in which frozen feelings was the safer way to live, I began to marvel at all the subtle feelings that I began to notice other people having. They fall into both categories of slightly negative and slightly positive.

Disappointed, contented, satisfied, disturbed, troubled, a little on edge, frustrated, blue, fair to middling, moderate, average, and the list goes on and on. These are all "shades of gray" kinds of descriptions of how we might feel.

For those of you who have difficulty with the subtler feelings, you might like to add one or two new ones to your vocabulary today. I'm convinced that using subtle feeling words in our vocabulary helps us to replace "black and white thinking" with "shades of gray thinking."

I finally set out to identify shades of gray feelings for myself after I asked a friend, "What kind of day are you having?" And she answered, "Hmmm...I'm having an adequate day. Quite adequate."

Fascinating.

With love, Linda Moran
P.S. Anybody have a subtle feeling-word to add to the list? Post it on the board!

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The shuttle launched three days ago, carrying a heavy payload--crucial supplies for the international space station. Commander Eileen Collins knows the schedule, and she is patient. Not until today could she dock with the space station and prepare to lighten their load.

What if Commander Collins had been in a hurry? What if she said, "Oh I MUST get rid of this payload right away!" No, Eileen must be rational and sober. She knows when the time is right.

Now that they've docked, Commander Collins can finally get rid of it, right? Nope. The next step is to equalize the pressure between the shuttle and the space lab, then make sure there are no leaks. This takes about two hours. Then, if all goes well, they can open the hatch.

Will they get rid of that payload? Yes. All in good time.

Have you ever heard the expression "If you can't hide it, feature it"? How about joking, "I'm not overweight. I'm just carrying a big payload."

You, too, will make history. In a little while.

With love, Linda Moran

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"Stick with the winners" is a great slogan used by the addiction groups such as AA and NA.

What does it mean? Well, as it applies to non-dieting, if you know someone that's been struggling for years, you might want to lend an ear. To do so is kind and compassionate. But how much can you learn from that person? Maybe not much.

Winners learn from each other. With weight loss, you might be surprised to realize it's not always clear who the winners are, based entirely on externals. Right thinking is a better indicator than thinness. You well know that dieters can achieve thinness in all kinds of dysfunctional ways.

Happily, this means it's nearly as easy in cyberspace to discern who the winners are as it might be in person. Knowing who the real winners are requires your intellect and listening very very carefully to their thought process.

But did you know that you can also learn from people who have never struggled with their weight? Why is this? Because it's not about metabolism. Rather, it's about right thinking and attitudes toward weight and food.

Gwen Shamblin talks about watching a "thin eater" in her book, The Weigh Down Diet. Try it sometime. Watch what a thin eater does. Watch what she leaves on her plate. Notice how long she goes between meals. See how picky she is. Watch her eat half a donut and throw the rest away. The thin eater you imitate can be someone who struggled and won, or can be someone who has never struggled at all.

Use your intellect to discern who the real winners are. I see all of you doing that on the Diet Survivors message board. Eventually, all of you will be winners, but look for others who have caught on now, not those who will eventually catch on.

Remember, you can extend your thin-eater-watching to your daily lives and to thin eaters who have never been anything but.

With love, Linda Moran

(Welcome to the non-dieting weblog. This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. referrer=http://www.lindamoran.net/blog/">Subscribe now.)

I've gone back to living my life, and don't think much about weight and food issues anymore, except to help you all.

However, I'm always learning. I've realized lately, I think especially in light of a recent post (sorry--I forgot who posted it) about freedom to choose healthy foods, that there is still room for more freedom in my eating life.

What do I mean? I've been eating pretty high-fat foods since learning to eat in this new way, and it's in response to the years of deprivation of fats.

It's taken me a long time to realize this, but I am now, today, free to choose among all foods. That means sometimes I might rather have the sorbet than the ice cream. What a concept.

I may always be a big fats-eater because when I was a kid, that's what I always wanted. I would consistently choose the white cream sauce over the red sauce on my pasta, for example.

Still, I think I'm at a new place in which I have even more freedom. I can now say, hmmm...maybe I'll have the blueberries this time instead of the brownie. WITHOUT FEELING DEPRIVED.

I have one child who often chooses the non-fat thing. When my other kids eat buttery fried grilled cheese, for example, this one child would rather have his melted cheese on dry toast. Fascinating.

Also, I've recently become able to leave food on my plate. That took FOUR YEARS! I wasn't overeating all this time, though. I was just exercising care in how much I put on my plate to begin with, and I was bringing home the extra from restaurants.

Here's something to think about: If I've been eating normally and living my life all this time, yet I was still reacting a little to former deprivation, and still unable to leave food on my plate, then doesn't this mean that learning this new way of eating doesn't have to be a perfect process? All you perfection-seekers: breathe a sigh of relief! You only need to reach for "good enough."

With love, Linda Moran

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Now that I've been living this way for a number of years, I realize I trust no device other than my hunger and fullness, and my ability to embrace stress and resist greed.

It's a good thing, too, because in the past year, I've gained a few pounds. Do I freak out? Nope. I trust the process.

Instead of an emotional reponse, I reasoned through it. Hmmm...I'm 48 years old. Pushing 50. I know that a little weight gain is reasonable, and could even be, by some studies, healthy.

I do know that very thin women are at highter risk for osteoporosis. I also know that fat stores estrogen. I'd like to keep my estrogen as long as I can, because that helps women stay young.

The conclusion? My body is very smart indeed. I'll continue to trust it.

With love, Linda Moran

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The title has nothing to do with weight. It's an expression. The full expression is "an elephant in the living room that nobody notices." It can mean any earth-shattering event or fact which nobody seems to be commenting on or admitting. It is often used when referring to an alcoholic home in which no family member acknowledges the alcohol.

Not noticing an elephant probably happens all the time on message boards such as our Yahoo! Diet Survivors group. It's easy to overlook an elephant when we all live in cyberspace.

Is anybody hiding something that they kind of suspect would be better to share? If you don't feel safe, that's one thing. After all, this is a gathering of virtual strangers. But if you do feel safe enough, yet you're hiding it, why?

Are you afraid of rejection? Are you afraid someone will say, "Oh he's got REAL problems"? He doesn't belong HERE.

If so, you're probably not alone. Others may be hiding their worst dysfunction too. I like this saying, "You're only as sick as your secrets."

Do you have a serious active eating disorder? Considering saying so. Yes it's true that I'll bug you to get treatment because Diet Survivors is not a substitute for medical treatment. Eating disorders can be life-threatening, and it would be irresponsible of me to do otherwise.

However, you also don't have to leave once you've admitted it. Please don't leave. We all need each other here, and everybody's different, in different stages of their recovery, and with different degrees of problems.

The beauty of Diet Survivors is that we don't have to restrict membership to certain kinds of symptoms. That's because Diet Survivors isn't really ABOUT the symptoms. It's about adaptive change, which is internal work.

Is there an elephant in our living room? Let us know. This group is pretty good at being loving. That's what I've noticed.

With love, Linda Moran

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"I think..."

It's amazing the scarcity with which many of us Diet Survivors start a sentence that way in the course of our day.

Maybe it's because some of us grew up in the "I statement" era, in which we learned to be deferential or non-imposing by stating everything in terms of our feelings, as in "I feel sad when you talk to me like that." In truth, it often comes across as defensive or accusing.

Or maybe it's because we're trying to be congenial and flexible (translate: people-pleasing). As in, "I don't actually THINK anything...I just feel feelings. I certainly don't expect YOU to agree with me." (and why not?)

Maybe we're afraid of conflict, or afraid someone will tell us we're wrong. It can easily come across as arrogant, as in, "I'm never wrong, and I'm stating it in such a way that this is clear." After all, feelings are feelings. They cannot be objectively wrong. What happened to good old fashioned intellectual discourse with a bit of exchange of differing ideas ?

Whatever the reason why we hesitate to say "I think," there's no argument against feelings, and that's another reason why it's a conversation-stopper.

It also causes distraction.

Try complaining to your cube-mate at work: "I just feel that you don't care about me." Watch how fast he will try to fix your feelings instead of the problem: "But I DO care...how can you say that?"

Try and stick with the problem at hand, rather than emoting. Gently tell him that the darned door slams too loud when he arrives in the morning. (It's the door's fault, but he might think of what to do about it on his own.)

Here's another example, unrelated to conflict resolution. Rather, it's about an approach to life in general. Say to your kids, "Let's put that in the car now because I'm afraid we'll forget it tomorrow." Does this utterance of fear empower you? I don't think so.

Try this instead: "Let's put that in the car so that we eliminate the risk of forgetting it tomorrow." Hmmm....doesn't that sound more intellectual? More empowering?

Feelings have their place, but must they run our lives?

Around four or five years ago, I decided to become hyper-aware every time I said, "I feel.." I realized that most of the time there were irrational reasons behind my choice of words, and the real truth was that I THOUGHT something. I began speaking thoughts instead of a steady stream of feelings.

My change has had an effect on my family. I have one child in particular who starts many sentences with "I think." He furrows that brow and thinks real hard. Now guess which child.

I'm referring to my mentally challenged thirteen-year-old. He's the one who loves to reason and tell you what he thinks. He's the one in the family who is best at separating his feelings from his thoughts.

I won't tell you his IQ but suffice it to say that oak trees have IQ's too (it's true.)

If my mentally challenged son can say, "I think...", what's YOUR excuse?

With love, Linda Moran
Curious? Here's David's home page: http://www.lindamoran.net/davemoran/index.htm

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Some people, when they learn to wait for hunger, find themselves bored. They'd been filling their time with eating. Now what?

Faced with boredom, you want to eat. Why? Because boredom is stressful. It brings up faulty beliefs, such as "I should be doing something constructive."

Try disputing that belief. Why isn't it okay to be bored and do nothing for a little while? Why isn't it okay to waste time? Eventually, you'll find other things you like to do. But you don't HAVE TO be busy or productive every darned minute of the day. Have you ever thought of that? Chase away those MUSTS! Replace them with "I'd like to..."

Give yourself a break today, and allow yourself to be a little bored. Recognize that it can be stressful, and remember, "I can tolerate stress."

Then, after a while, you might think of something cool to do, like washing the car or something. But when you feel like it.

With love, Linda Moran

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I'm a goal-oriented person. I've accomplished a lot in my life because I set goals. But when it came to dieting, being goal-oriented was part of the problem.

So when my dieting life crashed, and I discovered non-dieting, I decided to have a new goal that was not weight-based. My goal became, "I'd like to get really good at sensing hunger and fullness, without any other dieting device to lean on." Then I set out to get really good at this. And I did.

And ahhhh! the rewards. Now I only eat food I enjoy, and I have no food guilt whatsoever.

For those of you goal-oriented people for whom a goal weight might not be such a great idea while you're learning non-dieting, you might consider doing what I did.

With love, Linda Moran

(Welcome to the non-diet weblog. This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. Subscribe now.)

In the past you may have observed that a diet gets interrupted by a crisis in life. Why is it that you had to have perfect peace in your life while dieting, or else it didn't work?

Maybe because the diet was only a technical change. Maybe because the diet required willpower to do something other than what your body wanted. Maybe because the diet demanded faulty thinking about perfect conditions. Maybe all of those.

Not so with non-dieting. Any one of you could suddenly have a big life change while you're learning on this board. Crises, whether positive, such as moving to a new home, or negative, such as illness, are stressful. But stress is tolerable, and so is sensing hunger and fullness.

If you've been non-dieting for a while, (perhaps even just a week or two), bingeing is now ruined for you anyway. The euphoria of the binge will no longer satisfy. Have you noticed that the joy of hunger and fullness takes over pretty quickly?

So if your life goes into crisis mode any time soon, remember, you can go right on sensing hunger and fullness. It won't even be hard to do.

With love, Linda Moran

Diet Survivors hear about journaling, but they don't always know what it means. I have two answers.

The first answer is that you can journal any way you want to. If it helps you, for example, to record your hunger, fullness and eating behavior over the course of the day, that's great! This is about building self-awareness. If you're journaling your feelings as they relate to food, go for it!

My second answer is the one I used for myself when I was recovering. This one is specific to cognitive therapy. If this one jumps out at you, give it a try. It's about your BELIEFS.

To learn how to do this, start with the list of back issues of the monthly Diet Survivors newsletter. Print each newsletter and read as you go, or select topics of special interest to you.

Read and journal. You can scribble directly on your newsletter printout if you want. Or use a highlighter. Or whatever you want. The newsletter will explain how to journal your beliefs.

Actually, I suggest doing this with anything you read about non-dieting that you think you need. There are other pages on the betterwaypress.com web site aside from the actual newsletters, such as this: http://www.betterwaypress.com/howtosurviveyourdiet/solve.html

In other words, rather than just getting an academic understanding of what you're reading, you might instead, contemplate and ponder it. You will make connections from the printed word to your life. You will WORK the newsletters. You will end up changing some of your distorted beliefs.

In the 12 step addiction rooms, they have a slogan, "Work the program, not the problem." When you find yourself rehashing your problems too much, try working the Diet Survivors monthly newsletters or the Yahoo! Diet Survivors posts.

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Mike M. is 47 years old. His blood pressure is 108 over 65. His weight is 169 at six feet tall. Mike's HDL and triglyceride levels are superb. He gives blood and platelets regularly and his iron level is favorably high. The medical community says he's in outstanding shape and is at the lowest risk for heart disease possible for his age, even though his father has heart disease. Mike's doctor has NO recommendations for improving his health.

Is Mike M. a marathon runner? Nope. He's a couch potato. Believe me, I know. I'm married to him. Sports? He's a baseball freak, but from the comfort of his easy chair. He has the cable company's MLB Extra Ennings Package. This means he gets a LOT of games on tv.

What accounts for Mike's good health? Actually, it wasn't always so. Four years ago he was 232 pounds and climbing, while on a low-fat diet. His chronic back problems were worsening from the extra weight.

Then he lost 70 pounds on the Atkins diet, right around the same time that I was mucking with diets too. But he was really starting to miss beans, nuts, and all carbs. His restrictive diet was bound not to last.

Next my own diet life crashed, and, in desperation, I found this new way to eat and live that some call hunger and fullness, others call non-dieting. It naturally followed, since I'm the cook in the family and the supposed nutrition expert, Mike had to listen to wifey.

At first he superstitiously clung to his low-carb diet, but over time, he dared to add carbs back into his diet and move toward sensing hunger and fullness.

Today he's a pro at hunger and fullness. He gets to eat any food he wants. His back rarely bothers him.

He also finally discovered an activity that he actually enjoys-- bicycling, but he doesn't go often, as he is quite a busy man, taking care of all of us.

I do want him to increase his exercise because that's got to be good for his heart and organs. But clearly Mike's in excellent shape even without it.

What cracks us up is whenever someone sees his skinny body and comments, "You must have a good metabolism."

(Welcome to the non-diet weblog. This blog for non-dieters is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. Subscribe now.)

There once was a baby bird, we'll call him Earnest, who couldn't get out of his shell. In fact, Earnest failed to understand that leaving his shell was the goal. He thought it was his home, and he kept trying to cope with life that way. It grew increasingly cramped and lonely in there. This was not an easy existence.

In fact, living life inside his tiny shell caused so many problems that it sapped all of Earnest's energy. As a result, there was no time left to explore, create, or even think of anyone or anything else. Earnest studied many books, always trying to find the answer to his problem.

One day in his reading, Earnest stumbled across the mistake in his thinking. He found out he needed to leave the shell. Earnest pecked and pecked at the shell, poking holes and tiny cracks, until finally he emerged into the great big world.

What a frightening and awesome world it was! So large--and filled with other birds. Earnest's first instinct was to back up into his familiar home, but alas, it was broken beyond repair.

Looking around a second time, a thought occurred to him--all this time inside the shell, his focus had been on himself and trying to cope. And now here he was, facing a whole wide world of choices. In a flash of new-found self-awareness, Earnest understood that maybe he had a higher calling than himself. He was free to fly and explore!

But there was a problem. He didn't know how to fly. He couldn't reach those other birds. He couldn't see the world yet. Life would still be limited without learning this necessary skill. And so it was that just when Earnest felt ready to move on, look around, find love and meaningful work, and serve others, he had to focus on himself again.

This frustrated him. He was tired of his self-focus. Yet in his new-found wisdom, he chose to set those feelings aside, and apply clear thinking to this matter. He realized that once he could fly, he really could do all that he imagined. Earnest concluded that he would like to focus on himself just a little longer.

And so this diligent baby bird mustered up all of his energy and willpower, of which he had more than the average bird, and applied these traits in a brand new way--to learning how to fly.

It was easy. In due time, he took off from his tree and entered the world. Earnest was now happy and lived a long, fulfilling remainder of his life.

Chronic dieters are like Earnest. When they discover that non-dieting is the answer, they break out of their shell and see the world with new eyes. They realize with a twinge of guilt just how focused they've been on themselves. Non-dieting, however, requires internal change. These ex-dieters need to learn how to fly.

They need to change their thinking. They need to unlearn some wrong ideas and replace them with new ones. They need to practice their new ways of thinking and eating quite a bit. The silver lining is that this new kind of work is not quite so self-focused as their old obsessions such as body image, weigh-ins, counting fat grams, and on and on. It leads to freedom, including freedom from so much self-focus.

The cure, then, for dieting self-focus is a little more self-focus, for a little while longer. Changing your habits of thinking and eating is hard work, but it will enable you to embrace the world in a greater way than you could before. You are learning how to fly.

So keep your self-focus for a little longer.

With love, Linda Moran
Type "adaptive change Diet Survivors" into your favorite search engine for more information about adaptive change.

(Welcome to the non-diet weblog. This blog for non-dieters is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. Subscribe now.)

Did you know that "reasonableness" is not a wishy-washy word at all? It means a very specific thing, and can be used as a guideline to live by.

There are many pieces to eating issues and weight issues. But if there could be one bottom line, it might be best encapuslated in the word "reasonableness."

Reasonable weight loss, reasonable meals, reasonable portion sizes, reasonable hunger, reasonable fullness, reasonable speed of recovery, reasonable expectations for oneself, reasonable goal weight: everything can have reasonableness applied to it. Sounds sober, doesn't it? Maybe TOO sober for you "all or nothing" thinkers?

Addicts don't like the word "reasonable." They want agony or ecstasy. THIS IS WHERE THE REAL WORK LIES FOR MANY OF YOU.

I know. I was once unwilling to be reasonable. But think about it. Judges use "reasonableness" to determine sentencing. World leaders use "reasonableness" to plan security measures. State education curriculum planners use "reasonableness" to decide how much academics to pack into a school year.

Reasonableness, clearly, is a tool used by powerful people to make important decisions. Reasonableness may be hard to pin down and define, but if you choose to believe in your own intelligence, then reasonableness is something you just KNOW.

Interestingly, it doesn't always mean balance or striking a happy medium, although often it does. Sometimes we use reasonableness to make extreme decisions. It's really about applying your wisdom! (Do I send repetitive?)

As a licensed teacher and mother of four, I'm fascinated by how people learn. One tool that is often underutilized in schools and at home is the power of words.

My suggestion for you today is to meditate on the word
"reasonableness." If you find yourself rebelling against it, it's time to make a list of all your beliefs regarding reasonableness. You might find out that you think reasonableness is an AWFUL guideline for living life. Why?

Then look for evidence of the veracity of your beliefs. Replace those distorted or false beliefs with real truths. Then meditate on those.

Perhaps one truth you'll come up with is that "reasonableness" is indeed worth valuing, and maybe even it's achievable by YOU!

With love, Linda Moran

By the way, I used to welcome newcomers individually, but nowadays you're signing up too fast, and I can't keep up! So welcome to all of you, and I invite you to sign up for the free monthly Diet Survivors newsletter. Here's the current issue:

http://www.betterwaypress.com/dietsurvivors

(Welcome to the non-diet weblog. This blog for non-dieters is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. Subscribe now.)

Mother always admonished you not to interrupt when someone was talking. But what if it's your binge talking? What if it's saying more...more...more.

Well, regard me as your authority figure for one moment (I know it's a stretch but stay with me on this) and now listen "You MAY interrupt your binge!"

In fact, that's how you fade away a binge eating disorder. You make a decision during each binge to arbitrarily interrupt it.

It's interesting that binges have a life cycle, and a natural ending. Usually the ending is marked by severe pain, euphoria, having to lie down because you're too stuffed to stand up.

But you can disrupt that ending. Interrupt it early. Make a decision now that the next time you binge, you'll suddenly creep up on your poor, unsuspecting binge, and interrupt it. Did you know that you have the power to do this?

Amazingly, you'll be rewarded for it every time. By what? A different kind of euphoria. It will be the euphoria of success, the euphoria of finally being in charge.

Don't be polite to your binges. Each time you're rude to them, they'll retreat more and more, until finally, one day, you'll realize it's been months since you've had a binge.

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I used to hate it when hubby would tell me stories about the "dopes at work." I used to get annoyed, and sometimes not let him tell me his stories. He seemed so mean and negative about his co-workers.

Then one day I took a different approach. I asked hubby to "unpack his thinking" about this dope stuff. So I did. And he did.

Boy was I surprised. Hubby told me his dope theory, which I now think is brilliant. Here it is, paraphrased as best I can:

"Everyone is a dope at one time or another. Everyone is a dope in different ways. I can easily forgive people in my heart if I just remember that right now they're the ones being the dope. Other times, I can be equally kind to myself when I realize that I'm the one being the dope."

I now realize that hubby was right. And I was the one being the dope.

What does this have to do with non-dieting? Food issues are all wrapped around distorted thinking, like a fat-free flour tortilla wrapped around some dried-up chicken.

When we're not so black and white about people and our expectations of people (including ourselves), life in general becomes a little easier to deal with. And that's good for recovery all-around.

(So the next time one of us on the board acts like a dope, for example--me, can you just chalk it up to temporary dopiness? I promise you, we all will at one time or another.)

With love, Linda Moran

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Hi folks. I'm going to model cognitive therapy for you right now. But my ulterior motive is that I need it! So I'm bringing this to you live, as it happens.

It's not about food issues, though. I hardly ever need to do the ABCDEF method with food issues. Rather, I use it for other things now!

The ACTIVATING EVENT is that I have a big writing opportunity. As some of you might be aware, one of my hobbies is freelance writing for magazines (and the web).

I wrote a proposal several months ago, and just learned that the editor likes it. Now's the time for me to decide if I want to take on this assignment. Once I say "yes," we write a contract, and then I have a deadline. It's then called an "assignment." It's a large circulation newsstand magazine.

So, what's the big deal? Terrible, terrible, anxiety, that's what! So now I've covered the "A" in the ABCDEF method. My ACTIVATING EVENT is this big opportunity which I want to turn down because I have terrible anxiety! (I've had anxiety disorder in the past, and I need anxiety now like I need a hole in the head.)

Now for the BELIEFS surrounding this event and its anxiety.
1. I MUST take on this assignment
2. I HAVE TO share what I know about non-dieting with all those readers
3. The editor MUST like and accept what I produce
4. Anxiety is INTOLERABLE
5. It would be AWFUL if I don't do this
6. It would be AWFUL if I took on the assignment and then I wasn't able to do it
7. This is over my head
8. This is hard work, and I might not be able to do it
9. This assignment will disrupt my family life and my sleep
10. I'd be a failure if I turned this down
11. There's some magic about writing for newsstand magazines that I don't know
12. I might find out I'm not good at this--that would be horrible
13. The editor wants to talk on the phone, which I just CANNOT do. I'll get tongue-tied
14. Doing this assignment might reveal to me and the world that I've reached my level of incompetence

Well...well. Those are just a few of the irrational beliefs running around in my head. So that covers the BELIEFS in the ABCDEF method.

Next, I'll look at the CONSEQUENCES of these beliefs. The consequences are:
1. Tremendous anxiety
2. Depression at the thought of taking on this project
3. Resistance to doing it
4. All the fun is taken out of doing this assignment if I accept it
5. Preoccupation and obsessiveness about whether to take it on
6. Inability to make a decision

Next, I'll do the "D" in the ABCDEF method. I'm going to DISPUTE my irrational beliefs. See the first list above. That is what I will dispute.

1.There's no law, and if I don't take on this assignment, it doesn't mean anything in terms of my reputation or ability as a writer. Writers sometimes turn down offers. And I can choose not to feel badly about myself
2. I'd really like to share what I know about non-dieting with people, but I'm sure getting a lot done just at Diet Survivors
3. The editor can do whatever she feels like and it doesn't even have to be rational. Maybe I'm a better writer than she is and maybe she's a dope (more on dopes in a few days)
4. I really don't like anxiety and strongly prefer not to have it. Maybe I feel strongly enough that I'll decide not to do this assignment and that's okay!
5. I would be disappointed if I turned it down, and will likely have a case of the "what-ifs" afterward.
6. I'd rather succeed but it's not the end of the world if the editor hates my article. Anyway, it's more likely we'll simply disagree
7. It's NOT over my head. This is the biggest lie of all. This assignment will be fairly easy, if I look at this objectively.
8. It's likely I'll produce something good, but there's definitely some risk involved. A lot? Probably not
9. This assignment probably WILL disrupt my family life and my sleep because I'm not likely to chase away ALL of my anxiety if I decide to do it
10. If I turn this down, I'll still be plain old Linda
11. If I try to be very objective, there's no magic that I don't already know. I already write my monthly newsletters at a professional level, and I've already written for newsstand magazines
12. I might find out I'm not good at this? That's true. But not likely. I'd rather not be disappointed, but disappointment is tolerable
13. I'd really rather not talk on the phone, but heck I could play up my nervousness if she insists on using the phone. I can make a joke about the fact that I'm a writer BECAUSE I don't think on my feet very well!
14. Linda, take your own advice. You teach others that "level of incompetence" is usually a myth.

Now for the "E" which stands for Effective new thinking. My thinking now is that I've believed a lie that this work will be hard. I've done research, I've done interviews--there's nothing new here. And I've been published in magazines plenty of times before. Over the next few days I hope to have more effective new thinking as a result of this exercise. I hope to decide what I'D LIKE TO DO--whether I'D LIKE to do the assignment or not. But I still feel very anxious about it.

[Later in the day] I realized after all this journaling that what gets me anxious is the possibility of feeling trapped. I've felt trapped before. And it's not the deadline that I feel entrapped by. It's the material. Perhaps I won't like the editor's spin on what to write.

I think if I become real sure that I know what this editor wants, THEN I can agree and go to contract. I think I will state in my reply to her that it's important to me to be clear about what she wants before I agree to write it.

That way, if I don't like the direction she wants to take the article, I can bow out easily. Also, if the editor never really gets clear on what she wants, I don't ever have to agree to do the work. Just the thought of getting clear with the editor about what she wants mitigates some of the anxiety.

And lastly is the resulting new FEELING. I feel a little relief and levelheadedness about this decision. I feel less anxiety, although I do feel a small amount of anxiety. Perhaps this level of anxiety is tolerable.

The next step, I think, is to reply to her e-mail, and tell her what's important to me, but I think I'll hang out a day first. She can wait! I'd like to sit with my new, lower level of anxiety and see if it's a reasonable amount. Then, if so, I'll take the next step and send my e-mail to the editor, asking her to spell out what she wants in the article. I'd also like to remember that editors are just people, so perhaps I'll dwell on that a bit today too.
******************************************************
As you all can see, the ABCDEF method of cognitive therapy is a way to talk yourself down from the ledge. That's why I say cognitive therapy is so great for food and eating issues. Food issues are very much about hanging off a ledge!

Sometimes this method is useful for uncovering an important truth. In this instance, I realized that the source of my anxiety is feeling trapped, and that this is true for me on other subjects too! Wow! I don't always get such revelations, and I didn't plan this for your sake! It just happened.

I hope that revealing my process helps some of you. I think this has been a classic example of how to use the ABCDEF method, which to my mind, is the central component of cognitive therapy.

With love, Linda Moran

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Learn how to eat like a kid again. (Yes yes another link to click, but it's a lot of work to reproduce the excerpt here.)

http://www.betterwaypress.com/howtosurviveyourdiet/excerpt.html

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Small plates. Lots of portion control gurus nowadays tell you to trick your eyes by using a small dish, thus making the plate look full.

Nothing wrong with that, I suppose. It's a device that works for some people. (Personally, I like my lonely little portions on a huge plate. But to each his own.)

But if you use such devices while you continue to believe that tricking yourself is a good idea, it won't work. If you still long for large portions, then eventually you'll hate that small plate.

How about changing what's on the inside instead? If you could surrender to your need for small amounts of food, then you could be true to yourself, and chuckle at how small your portions are.

Ponder the idea, then, of visiting your body's true appetite, perhaps for the very first time. Contemplate the notion of embracing small portions as your friend. Consider the possiblity that you can stop tricking yourself and start feeling satisfied simply by eating the right amount of food.

What a concept!

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I used to be in Weight Watchers, and even bought their new-fangled weight scale to weigh my puny little portions of dry skinless chicken bones.

Well...the joke's on them. Now I use it as my postal scale, when I have occasion to ship one of my book orders from the house!

Actually, I have nothing against WW. They do mean well. But if they really help you recover, then what the heck do you need a lifetime membership for? I ask you!!!!

Weight Watchers is for people watching their weight (hence the name). Did you know that once you have your hunger and fullness signals straightened out and you've become good at following them, you don't need to watch your weight anymore? Instead, you simply watch your appetite. Maybe we should all call ourselves "AW" which stands for Appetite Watchers!

I personally know people who have benefitted from WW. I think they are the type of people who don't forget to use their own intelligence. When I was a member, on the other hand, I did not use my own intelligence. Instead, I was a slave to the numbers, even splitting points into fourths. Yes I mean that...I would eat something and tally it up as a fourth of a point. That's really messed up, don't you think? I was a numbers addict. And an automaton.

So which one was really at fault...Weight Watchers, or me? I would say it was me. I had a problem that nobody at WW could solve, and it wasn't external.

That's my point. It's not the diet that's the problem. It's the way we think.

Since then, I managed to recover with a little help from cognitive therapy. Then I wrote a book about how to apply your own wisdom to food and weight issues. Now, every time I weigh a package containing my books, I smile at the little Weight Watchers logo on my postal scale.

With love, Linda Moran
Learn more about why diets cause more problems than they solve:
http://www.betterwaypress.com/howtosurviveyourdiet/solve.html

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My neice eats about five foods. One of them is Boar's Head ham. She's thin. Ya know why? She's so picky that if she can't get exactly what she wants, she WAITS.

So while we're talking about all foods being legal, remember that you know what you like, and it could turn out to be a very narrow range of foods.

Therefore, if you find yourself in a rut during recovery, wanting the same jelly-on-rye every day for lunch, it's okay!

When we overemphasize being adventurous and liking many foods, we don't necessarily do ourselves a service. Likewise for how we treat our children regarding food. Being picky is part of our food-wisdom.

Our bodies are smart, if we would only let them be. Did you know that (with the exception of anorexia) people who truly develop nutritional deficiences are those who don't have access to the right foods? On the other hand, if you have access to the whole range of foods, but you turn down most foods because you don't like them, you're safe. In other words, if there's something your body needs, it will let you know and make you crave that food.

So develop your pickiness. It's part of your food-wisdom.

If you'd like to read more about pickiness, I recommend the book, "The Weigh Down Diet" by Gwen Shamblin. This book contains many good nuggets of advice for learning how to eat normally. (It's Christian-based, for those of you who may not know that. If the religion in it doesn't appeal to you, you can skip those parts.)

But you don't have to read a book to catch on. Just start looking around you to find someone you know who is a picky eater. Emulate them. It's amazing what you can learn from watching someone else.

With love, Linda Moran
P.S. For those of you who are not subscribed yet to the free Diet Survivors newsletter, I invite you to do so. Here's some interesting reading for ALL of you that describes what the Diet Survivors newsletter is about:
http://www.betterwaypress.com/dietsurvivors/definition.html

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"I'll need an estimate of how many months this work will take you." That's what my manager said that caused me to freeze in my tracks. Escaping to the safety of my cubicle office, I resolved there to fess up. I went back to her office.

"I must have missed that class in computer science school. How does one go about giving an estimate of how many months it will take to complete a project?" I said, embarassed.

"Oh," she replied. That's easy. First, pull a number out of the air. I said "five months." "Now," she replied, "how does your stomach feel?"

As it turns out, my stomach felt fine at the mention of five months, and at the mention of four months, but it tied up in knots at the thought of three months. We settled on four months as my estimate. It turned out to take four months.

Corporations do this all the time. They ask employees to take wild guesses. The reason? They know from experience that a wild guess from the worker will be more accurate than a precise, algorithmic calculation from someone else.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Anybody else's report as to what your portion size should be will be less accurate than your best guess, based on your own intellect (in the case of folks with food issues, knots in the stomach may or may not be reliable in the beginning.)

But anyway, my manager mentioned the word "stomach" only because it's something visceral. Any kind of feelings or thoughts can help you know whether you're in the ball park on your estimate, and you know better than anyone else what that number, size, or length should be. A wild stab in the air will do nicely. It works for portion sizes.

Amazing? Try it. Use your intellect entirely to determine how big your own portions should be (in order to lose weight and then subsequently maintain a normal weight--they will be the same for each.)

You KNOW. Just like I knew that my project would take four months.

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When I was dieting, I was dehydrated a lot. To compensate, I drank increasing amounts of diet soda. But it seemed to make me more thirsty, so I also forced down two quarts of water per day, which only helped a little.

I've since realized that diet soda is dehydrating. Add to that the fact that I avoided wet foods. Why? Fruits seemed a waste of calories, and so did all caloric drinks. I was fixated on this idea that I needed to chew as much food as possible. And so I was dehydrated. Also bloated from the bubbles in the pop.

Yikes! This is only one of many problems I had while dieting. Now I realize I am satisfied by having the calories my body wants, and in the right form, rather than by chewing lots of food.

Now I drink chocolate milk. Sometimes, when I'm not sure if I'm really hungry or thirsty, it's both. I want a drink to go with my meal, but I'm also craving something a little sweet. At those times I really want a rather small amount of food, accompanied by a big glass of chocolate milk.

Often, a half a tunafish sandwich with real mayo and lots of crunchy onions, along with a tall glass of chocolate milk (I like whole milk best) with some ice and a straw is just what the doctor ordered. (I have to have my milk very cold.) Later in the day, I don't crave a gallon of ice cream because I already gave my body what it wanted in the form of some Nesquick.

The above is what I mean by food-wisdom. I'm back to giving my body what it's in the mood for (as best as circumstances allow.)

The amazing thing is that circumstances don't have to perfect. GOOD ENOUGH seems to do the trick.

If you don't like milk, think of some food or drink that you used to avoid. Now that you're not dieting, you might still be avoiding it out of habit! The broader your range of foods to pick from, the more satisfied you will be with small amounts of food.

I've come to believe that, in the beginning of time, when man was created, chocolate milk was also created, and intended for man's consumption. Pink lemonade, too.

With love, Linda Moran

Are you tired of that expression, "Believe in yourself"? What does it mean, anyway? I think it's stale, flabby and overused. So let's toss it out and get at what we're really talking about here.

I learned something in my forties, and sure would have liked to learn it earlier. I learned that I have judgment, discernment, intellect, and wisdom. I didn't have to do anything to acquire it. I didn't need an advanced degree or some proclamation or blessing from anyone. I didn't need an honorary degree or to appear on the Montel Williams show. I didn't even need my mother's approval.

All I had to do was believe that I can think. That's it. I don't know about some of you, but nobody ever told me while I was growing up that I possess this. When my dieting life started, it got even worse. I allowed my diet books to think for me.

The actual process of thinking through something involves analysis, synthesis, evaluation--what they call critical thinking. It's about thinking in details, and going through a methodical logical process. Because I am now able to do this, I have since become mechanically inclined, technical-minded, people-savvy, and able to solve all kinds of problems at work, at my kids' school, and at home. When this kind of thinking is then paired with intuition and non-verbal reasoning, there are no limits to where it can go.

By virtue of my ability to think critically, there are a few cool things I now know (and a gzillion that I'm clueless about). One of those things that I do know for certain is that EVERYONE can be an intellectual. Intellect has little to do with higher education or books, and much to do with one's willingness to apply oneself to thinking through a matter.

This means that all you diet survivors are able to decide for yourselves how to solve your own problems. You don't need anyone telling you what to do--not even little old me! I may give you some thoughtful suggestions (discerning what you hear is part of being an intellectual), but ultimately, you will be the one to analyze and decide. Should you ditch your diet? Should you continue to try to lose weight? Is exercise necessary? Is sugar evil? Ultimately, you know best what you need. What's more important is that you can apply your own wisdom to your eating.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is to filter everything you learn in the newsletters and on the board through your own wisdom. That is how you will acquire food-wisdom, and that is how you will become free. It will take time, however. You may be very used to ignoring your own mind when it comes to food.

The goal is to never be a slave to anyone else's thinking again!

Some of you feel fed up, but it's hard to stop dieting. Perhaps one could say you're even addicted to dieting. Is that so awful? No. Here's why.

1. This means you're a goal-oriented person. You like to always have something to strive for. Being goal-oriented is a personality trait of yours, and there's no need to shake it. I can really relate to those of you goal-oriented folks because that describes me, too.

2. When they realize that a certain goal is not worthy, goal-oriented people just need a different goal. You may have been trying to lose weight for so long that you've forgotten there are other goals in life. In fact, many of you have been successful in your weight-loss goal at times, which is a real high. That may be what you're addicted to. You want that euphoria of success over and over again.

3. Goals give structure and meaning to life for goal-oriented people. These folks tend to be very productive people. Don't try and change your personality!

******
I am a strong believer in warming up to new ideas. As a goal-oriented person, I've learned over the years that I am more successful when I allow for this warm-up time. Sometimes when we're setting out to do something new and different, it requires what some call a "paradigm shift." That is, it's a whole new way of thinking. That takes some thought and time.

So if you're a goal-oriented person who is addicted to dieting, but you're ready to try something new, here's what I suggest:

1. Start out just contemplating this idea that you've been hanging onto an unworthy goal.

2. After a few hours or a few days of simply contemplating this possibility, start to ponder what other goals you might like to have. Have you been putting them off? You may have many possible goals, and you might even have blocked them from your mind because you wanted to work toward them AFTER YOU REACHED YOUR WEIGHT-LOSS GOAL. But losing weight doesn't have to come first. Make a mental list of possibilities or write them on paper.

3. Maybe find one or two goals that are pretty short-term, so that you can get the gratification of meeting those goals fairly soon.

4. In the meantime, you don't have to completely get rid of your weight-loss goal. Instead, change it into a goal of learning hunger and fullness, rather than weight-loss. Decide that this will be one of your goals for the next year or the next few months, however long you need. But maybe you can also work toward other goals as well.

5. For those of you who don't feel ready to abandon your formal diet, make it your goal to change your diet in such a way that it helps you to learn hunger and fullness. Are you on the Atkins diet? Add sufficient whole grains and a little sugar to make you happy, and start sensing hunger and eighty percent fullness, even though Atkins claimed you can eat all you want on this diet. Perhaps make it a goal for you to become the master of your own diet, instead of a slave.

Here are some examples of a few goals among dozens that I've reached recently:

1. Install and configure Movable Type as my blogging software
2. Arrange four birthday parties for my kids in two months' time (they were all born in the spring...sigh)
3. Research, order, and assemble a new special-needs bike trailer for my son so we can all go bike riding
4. Get in the habit of posting an inspirational message to Diet Survivors nearly every day
5. Start my August newsletters (I have another newsletter, as well, for parents of special needs children)
6. Visit the karate studio I heard about in my town to see if I'd like to sign my son up for the fall
7. Start asking questions about guitar lessons for my daughter (I ran into her potential teacher at the pool yesterday, and asked him where to rent one and what kind. This goal is moving along)
8. Breathe life into our four old computers so the kids can each have their own computer. Goal finally met after several months, but three of the computers are too limited, so now I'm rethinking what to do.

I listed my own examples for you because some of you goal-oriented dieters may have completely forgotten about the world of other goals (aside from necessary goals such as getting dinner on the table or going to work every day.)

When I first ditched the diet, I had a hard time not dieting. But I got busy with other things, and eventually I wasn't thinking much about my weight any more. Now THAT'S a worthy goal. So get busy with some new goals, and don't forget the goal of learning hunger and fullness.

With love, Linda Moran

(Welcome to the non-diet weblog. This blog for non-dieters is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. Subscribe now.)

We've had guests in the house for a few days, and a bit of welcome chaos. They are my relatives from South Carolina, whom I love dearly. All ten of us seem to eat breakfast at a different time, ranging from 7:30 am to 11 am.

Yesterday I cooked up a double batch of hickory smoked bacon, knowing that it will get eaten over the course of the morning. In the midst of the chaos, I ended up eating my own breakfast of english muffin and bacon while standing up in the kitchen.

That's how I came to be nibbling bacon from the whole serving platter.

It got me thinking about some of those arbitrary food rules that well-meaning people and even experts try to force on you -- "Don't nibble from the serving platter...control your portions by putting the right amount on your plate first...put away the serving dish...don't eat standing up....yada yada yada."

I broke every rule. You see, it made no difference that I was eating my bacon standing up, and from a plate full of ten people's bacon. Why? Because my portion control is not external.

It comes from within. In other words, as with all my meals, I used my sense of fullness to know when to stop, and NOTHING ELSE. No rules, no guidelines, no counting bacon strips, no using a small plate to make the portion look bigger so as to trick my greediness...nothing.

All I used was my sense of fullness. So there I was staring at two dozen strips of bacon, and I ended up eating exactly the right amount. And, I might add, having a good old time.

And because there was no external rule, there was no temptation to break the rule.

Folks, doesn't it make sense that the only device that will really work without backfiring is to tune in to hunger and fullness?

It may seem elusive to some of you right now, but once you "catch on" and start practicing, you will become liberated beyond all imagination. I believe emphatically that EVERYONE, no matter how serious your disorder is, no matter how many years you've been crazily dieting, can learn to sense hunger and fullness and eat this way forever. It just takes a while to catch on.

I wish you could have been there to stand up with me in the kitchen and nibble on a strip of bacon (but only if you like bacon of course).

With love, Linda Moran

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Someone on the board recently said, "sweets are my weakness."

Many of us can identify our weakness. But there's another way of thinking about it. Is it really the food that's our weakness? Or is it our beliefs?

Do you believe that sweets are bad? Do you believe that sweets make you fat? Do you believe that you are unable to have only one? These are all faulty beliefs.

The goal here is to learn how to eat small amounts of every kind of food that you like. You ARE able to eat just one caramel candy. You don't know it yet, but you will.

That's why it's essential to address any black and white, all or nothing, thinking.

Beth, and everyone else here who thinks that a food is to blame for your problems, I suggest doing an exercise today. Write down all your beliefs surrounding this issue of a food as your weakness. I used to think granola was my weakness.

Then scrutinize each of your beliefs, and contemplate whether there is enough evidence to prove that they are true. If there's not enough evidence, then consider some new beliefs which you are more sure are true.

For example, I now believe:

1. Granola is just another food, and I like it a lot
2. Granola is delicious with full-fat yogurt mixed in
3. I can have granola if I want to
4. My portion size seems to be one of my blue dessert dishes full.
5. If I have a whole box of granola in the house, it can get stale if I'm not in the mood for it, and it has.
6. When I used to binge, granola was my food, but I don't binge anymore, so granola has no hold over me.
7. I'm in charge, not the food.
8. I can have a kitchen filled with every kind of food I love, and it doesn't matter. I can eat any of it I want, but not until I'm hungry, and only until I'm eighty percent full.
9. Too much of any sugary food gives me a headache, so I don't eat too much sweets in a day.
10. I do not have some kind of weakness that causes me to lose control due to any particular food. I am perfectly capable of stopping while eating my favorite food.

You can make a similar list. Take your time with this. You may have to do the same exercise many times. I suggest writing it all down. This is really an effort at reprogramming your mind. You've brainwashed yourself into believing things that just aint so. Take it on faith for now when I tell you that it's our BELIEFS that are our undoing. When we change our BELIEFS, wonderful things happen.

With love, Linda Moran