Diet Survivors: September 2005 Archives

So you want to look the way you used to. What are you thinking?

Maybe you looked great when you were sixteen. Or perhaps you still strive for how you COULD have looked when you were sixteen, had you not been overweight.

Meanwhile, you've been on several diets, maybe had binge eating disorder for a while, possibly had a few babies, had a career or two...and now here you are thinking, "I'm finally gonna get back to looking the way I was meant to look."

Are you overlooking something? Time has passed! Perhaps ten, twenty, maybe thirty years or more! What are you thinking?

Understanding how and what we think are instrumental to achieving our dreams and goals.

Recognizing that time has passed can be a sobering dose of reality, but ultimately it is freeing. That opportunity to look sixteen has passed. It's gone.

But who are you now? Are you that same person anyway? Probably not. It's likely you're both older and wiser. Perhaps it's time to look your age. Radiantly so.

As you lose weight, you'll see that your body is a bit war-torn. In fact, all of life wears on all of us, not just being overweight.

How can you look today? Is there a new hairstyle that would suit who you are now? A new style of clothing? How old are you? Say it out loud!

Today, meditate on this, "Time has passed."

Are you afraid to ditch your diet? It's helpful to journal your fears.

This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. referrer=http://www.lindamoran.net/blog/">Subscribe now.

Afraid to trade in dieting for normal eating? Join the club. The fear is what stops most folks from making the switch. Fear can stop people from changing their lives for the better, not just in the world of weight loss, but in all areas of life.

That's why it's important, while you're learning non-dieting, to journal your beliefs and fears.

But don't stop there. In your journal, you will dispassionately dispute your distorted beliefs, and replace them with more rational ones, resulting in fewer fears.

Try journaling your fears first. Here's a sample list:

1. I'm afraid I'll gain more weight than ever if I'm not on some kind of diet
2. I'm afraid I'll have no self-control if I legalize all foods
3. I'm afraid I'll binge all day on my favorite foods
4. I'm afraid that I really have a disease, and that non-dieting is not appropriate for me
5. I'm afraid of having autonomy over my own food choices
6. I'm afraid of not having some structure around my eating
7. I'm afraid that I'll be criticized for not dieting any more

This list can go on and on, but you get the idea. Maybe your list will even start with the words, "I'm terrified of..."

Now, once you've written your fears, try and identify, in writing, the BELIEFS that lie behind the fears. Here's one from the above list:

I believe that food will always have power over me

Now, examine this belief. What evidence do you have of this? Do you know this to be true? Did it have power over you when you were a small child? Is it possible that it's your own beliefs and the distorted beliefs taught to you as a child that cause this power, not the food itself?

Next, once you realize that your belief may be faulty, you are in a better position to decide if you'd like to take a risk and try learning normal eating. But resist making a new rule for yourself, and instead say, "I'd really like to try this, yet I'm a little afraid."

Notice there still may be a little fear, but not as much. Notice that instead of a new rule or edict for yourself, you've uncovered something you'd really like to try. Ask yourself, "what's the worst that could happen?" and "could going back on a diet really solve my problems?" Thirdly, notice that you now are in charge, based on what you'd like to try.

It's okay if you're still a little unsure of taking this small risk. You might want to journal your "what ifs" around risk-taking, if you think you're a person that fears risk.

You probably see by now how journaling can help. In this kind of journaling, the emphasis is on beliefs, their resulting yucky feelings which then limit us, and on then disputing the beliefs in order to produce more tolerable feelings as a result. Feelings which don't overwhelm us can free us to try new things.

For more information about using the ABCDEF method for disputing beliefs, ask about it on the Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board.

Now that you're learning to wait for hunger and to stop eating when you're 80 percent full, do you notice how tasty your food is when you're hungry?

In fact, the closer you come to fullness, the less flavorful your food. But the distinction is subtle, and you might not discern this in the beginning. If you're new to normal eating, you might only notice the chasm in taste and intensity between when you're starving and when you're bingeing.

Over time, though, most non-dieters can learn to use the gradually diminishing sense of taste to help clue them in to their approaching fullness.

Try some fresh tomato basil salad, or some homemade pea soup with ham. Or some other dish of choice. Notice the intensity of the flavors when you're good and hungry. "Tune in" to see if you can detect a diminishing of flavor as you eat. Try to use this clue (or sort of fake it for now) along with other tools for sensing 80 percent fullness. It's a great tool to have, and it's used all the time by normal eaters to help clue them in to fullness.

Normal eaters do this automatically. For you, it won't be automatic for a while. Some folks rebel against all the work of "tuning in." But is it a horror to have to think about it? Is it awful? Probably not. After all, you've gotten away from natural eating, so it stands to reason that you'll need some deliberate practice.

Resist the idea that this subtle cue will never come. It's part of learning how to resist greed, which is important when you're eating out, or eating anything especially delicious. After a while, you really won't want delicious food that's lost its flavor due to fullness. No kidding! Cheesecake drizzled with cherries will only be a disappointment if you're already stuffed--not a temptation.

Knowing your personality type can help you find your recovery path. This meditation is the last in a four-part series about personality types.

This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. referrer=http://www.lindamoran.net/blog/">Subscribe now.

Dr. Gary Smalley divides personality types into four fun categories --of animals! In the past three days we've discovered the lion, the beaver, and the golden retriever.

The last is the otter, and that's Gary Smalley himself. The otter loves fun, so it's no wonder he came up with such delightful categories as animals.

When I discovered I was a lion, and secondarily a beaver, I also found some traces of golden retriever in myself. But no otter at all. I didn't even understand otters. This was limiting, but I didn't know it at the time.

Otters are silly, crazy, illogical, fun-loving, the life of the party, disorganized, chronically late, entertaining, and only loyal when they remember to be. They make commitments they can't keep, but they're so jolly that they're usually easy to forgive.

They come up with great ideas, and once in a while they even follow through. They are visionaries. They're social, but kind of on the surface, certainly more surface than a golden retriever.

They love people. They enjoy being popular and influencing and motivating others. Otters can sometimes be hurt when people do not like them. Otter personalities usually have lots of friends, but not always deep relationships. They love to goof off. They are known for messy rooms. They like to hurry up and finish jobs so they can go play. Their standard for all work -- if it's good enough, then it's done.

Their weakness: they talk too much, show up late, and feel hurt when you're upset about it. They're disorganized and need a lot of help, but they're fun to be around, so they get away with their neediness more than the other personalities.

They forget commitments, and as parents they don't always follow through with discipline.

Personally, otters used to annoy me. I only saw their flaws. Being a mix of lion and beaver, I arrive everywhere early, and expect everyone else to as well. I tended not to make friends with otters. And they didn't make any sense to me. What was their purpose? I was clueless.

Wasn't I a stick-in-the-mud! But over time I've come to appreciate otters, and to be in awe of how everybody wants to help them, while I'm limping along on my own, not daring to put someone else out by asking for help.

At some point in my life, I decided to learn how to be an otter. I made a project out of becoming more spontaneous and free. Now I love my inner otter! I'm not always like an otter, but rather, only when I need it (okay and sometimes when I just plain feel like it.)

Recently, I was leaving on vacation and wanted to ask my neighbor to take my mail. (I don't trust the post office to hold my mail.) Before dialing, I meditated on these words "be an otter...be an otter." No kidding!

Then I called my neighbor and in my best, playful otter way, asked for help. She was delighted to help, I think because she simply enjoyed the telephone conversation so much!

I do the same with teachers at the school who know all too well that I'm a guerilla mom and do not let things slide, either for my kids or the teachers. They need to know that I'm fun, too! It really helps. I let my inner otter out often when I'm with teachers. Also, my inner otter is the one who makes it easy for me not to know something and be easy on myself for mistakes.

If you're an otter, you can use those traits to help you recover. You'll be relieved to get rid of all that beaver-counting of fat grams, points, or calories.

You'll be happy to be rid of the rules. You can simply eat what you feel like, when you feel like it! You can be an individual, which is the way otters like it! And there's no rule that says non-dieting has to be so serious. Be playful--that's what you do best.

Be a visionary about normal eating. Just remember to follow through on your vision this time.

In addition to using your best otter, it will also help you to tap in, just a bit, to your latent lion, beaver, and golden retriever. But hey -- only if it's fun!

And if you feel you're utterly lacking in one of the personality types, and know that it would do you some good, remember my story. I once had no otter at all.

I have a theory that few otters develop eating problems, since they tend not to be perfectionists or black and white thinkers. They may be immune! So if you're an otter, let us all know on the Diet Survivors message board. I love to be proved wrong.

On the other hand, if my theory is true, that's all the more reason for each of us to discover our "inner otter."

Self-awareness can help your path to normal eating. This meditation is the third in a four-part series about personality types.

This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. referrer=http://www.lindamoran.net/blog/">Subscribe now.

Best-selling author Gary Smalley divides personality types into four fun categories -- of animals! In the past two days we've discovered the lion and the beaver.

Today we'll describe the golden retriever. Golden retrievers are loyal and good at making friends. They do not like big changes. They look for security. They are sensitive and caring. They have deep relationships, but usually only a couple of close friends. They want to be loved by everyone. They seek appreciation. They work best in a limited situation with a steady work pattern.

Their weaknesses can be these: indecisive, indifferent, unable to express emotions, too soft on other people. They don't often see their need to be more assertive and holding others accountable. Sometimes they are too nice, and end up harboring resentment when their overtures are not reciprocated.

Here's a handy list of the golden retriever's traits:

Sensitive feelings
Calm
Non-demanding
Avoids confrontations
Enjoys routine
Warm and relational
Adaptable
Thoughtful
Patient
Good listener
Loyal
Even keeled
Gives in
Indecisive
Dislikes change
Dry humor
Sympathetic
Nurturing
Tolerant
Peace maker
Accomodating
Affirming

The golden retriever's approach to life is often, "Let's keep things the way they are."

I have little golden retriever in me. I do seek appreciation and I like to be liked. I might appear to have some of these other traits, but they are actually acquired over a lifetime. They are not innate qualities the way my lion qualities are innate. My husband, on the other hand, is a strong golden retriever. Interestingly, he's a pure golden retriever at home, but a lion at work. But I mostly see the golden retriever.

If you're a golden retriever, you might resist working on yourself, preferring to keep things as they are. This complicates your recovery from food and weight issues.

But look at the list of traits again. You enjoy routine, you're patient, and you give in easily. You can use your traits to your advantage:

1. Learning non-dieting is about changing your routines, but remember, you will eventually settle in to your new routine. So don't worry--you'll get to routines!

2. Since you don't like change but you like routines, be patient, which you are already good at, and let the change be slow.

3. As a golden retriever, you give in easily. Now's the time to give in to yourself! You know you want to make these changes. You've wanted to make them for a long time. So give in. You know how to do that.

Are you a golden retriever? Look at the list, and see which other traits you can also use in your efforts to learn normal eating.

Not much of a golden retriever? All of us have a little bit of golden retriever, even me! Maybe one trait you do have is "adaptable." Then seize on this trait, and adapt to this new way of eating.

I can identify with you if you're not much of a golden retriever. It means you might not do people in a deep kind of way. As for me, I do people, but mostly as a project, since I'm a lion!

It's wonderful to discover our inner golden retreiver, whether it's a primary personality or it's hidden. Golden retrievers are well-loved. But if you care too much what other people think, you might not achieve all your goals and wishes.

Contemplate your inner golden retriever today.

In the next meditation we'll look at the fourth of the four personality types--the otter. Otters have always perplexed me, frustrated me, and, in the end, persuaded me to find my own inner otter.

Diet recovery can be aided by self-discovery. Learn about yourself, raise your self-awareness, and maximize your success at non-dieting!

Best-selling author Gary Smalley came up with a clever and fun way to divide personalities into four basic types, based on animals. Yesterday I described the lion, which is my major personality.

Today I'll talk about the beaver. Beavers are organized, and think that there is a right way to do things. They work at finding out what the "rule" is for everything, and they want to do it exactly that way. Beaver personalities can be very creative. They desire to solve every problem that comes their way. They need to take their time and do it right.

Beavers do not like sudden changes. They need reassurance. They have high standards and a sense of order to things. They are not always leaders, but can follow a leader's orders thoroughly.

Their weaknesses involve unrealistic expectations of themselves and of others. They have difficulty seeing the positive side of things--they think that to look on the sunny side is to overlook important facts. Thus they tend to be a little pessimistic or even cynical. They have difficulty being flexible. They are perfectionists.

Sometimes they get so lost in their details that they either don't see the bigger picture or lose a sense of priorities. To coin a phrase, they sometimes "can't see the forest for the trees."

When I studied the four basic personality types, I knew right away that I was primarily a lion, but secondarily a beaver. I love detail, even if it's a little bit rote. I enjoy doing the bills, for example. I love things that are measurable and logical. I'm a web programmer--no surprise there.

Yesterday I described how, as a lion, I had turned dieting into a project, and drove myself to the point of an eating disorder. But having some beaver qualities made matters worse. I loved counting. Pounds, fat grams, carb grams, ounces of food, points--you name it, I was counting it. And I followed every diet religiously because I wanted to do it RIGHT. It was difficult for me to bend the diet to me, because then I wouldn't be following the rules.

When I was at my lowest point, I was saved by the idea of normal eating. I realized that I could not longer binge, then starve, then binge again, because if I continued, I would go insane. I needed to see the world as other than black and white.

So as a partial beaver, I put my diligence and detail-oriented mind to work, and learned as much as I could about how normal eaters eat. I needed new rules for how to eat, what to eat, and how much I ought to weigh.

But I also needed to learn to be flexible and spontaneous--that is, to exercise the right side of my brain a bit more. As a result of learning non-dieting for the purpose of saving my life and my sanity, I've become more creative in other areas of my life as well. I even talk to my children's teachers better, and suddenly I can draw!

I now embrace the beaver part of me as having an essential role to play -- I am thorough, and I am able to focus on the details of eating just what I crave and enjoy. I can think close-up about my hunger and fullness, out of a desire to "get it right." But I also keep the beaver part of me in its rightful place.

Are you a beaver? Your beaver qualities may have contributed to your eating and weight difficulties, but you can use some of those same qualities to recover. Use your diligence and sense of correctness, but also learn to be flexible -- with yourself and others. Learn a little spontaneity, fun, and lack of rules. Allow the world to be a more complex place than you once thought, with subtlety and nuance. These qualities round out a beaver nicely.

Do you have minimal beaver in you? Search for it today. Contemplate your inner beaver. It's in there somewhere. Think of times when it would be useful to let your inner beaver run the show a bit.

In the next meditation, I'll tell you about the golden retriever.

One tool for self-awareness leading to diet recovery is to discover your personality type. Learn about yourself, raise your self-awareness, and maximize your success at non-dieting!

You've probably heard of the Myers-Briggs personality profiles. But that's only one of dozens the experts have come up with. Some say there are two basic types: Type A and Type B. Others outline 4 personalities. Still others say there are sixteen. You may have taken a test sometime in your life to determine your temperament.

Regardless of which test you use, the categories are a little artificial, yet helpful in understanding what drives you. Since humans are complex, what's true is that all of us are a mixture of types. Yet each of us seems to have a basic approach to life that dominates to some degree over the others, and that's why it's helpful to understand our personality types.

In fact, we can become more well-rounded, self-actualized, accomplished people over time if we're willing to discover our personality type, and then learn to draw on our other, less dominant types, at will.

I like the four animal categories, created by Gary Smalley. They're fun, and easy to remember. This meditation is the first of a series of four. Today I'll tell you about the lion personality. That's my personality.

According to best-selling author and family expert Dr.Gary Smalley, the lion has these traits:

1. They don't want to waste time on trivial activity with no obvious results.

2. They show little interest in people who have nothing to say of any consequence.

3. They accomplish more than any of the other personality types, can quickly assess what needs to be done, and are often right.

4. They work long and hard. Multi-tasking is second nature for them, and they do it constantly, rather than sometimes (like other personalities.)

5. They can easily run over others without even realizing it.

6. Compliment the lion, and they will forever view you as wise.

7. They are confident and can make others confident as well.

8. They are driven people with goals, ready to tackle any problem.

9. They can get carried away with their leadership and efficiency.

10. They forget to rest.

11. They don't always realize that getting everything done on your to-do list doesn't guarantee success in life.

12. They are hard workers but they can tend to always be the boss and take control of everything.

13. If you want something done, ask a lion, but do it so they think it was their own idea.

When I was in the throes of my eating disorder, I was blessed to find out about normal eating. Being a lion, I had perfected the art of weight loss, counting grams, counting points, and many other projects related to weight-loss.

And being a lion, it was hard for me to give up all those projects. I have to have a project! But with some meditation on the principles of normal eating, and on my personality type, I came up with a plan (a very lion thing to do).

I decided to make a project out of learning hunger and fullness.

My new goals:

1. Wait for hunger at every meal
2. Discern fullness at every meal
3. Learn how to leave food on my plate
4. Find out what I really like to eat
5. Learn to embrace stress
6. Become aware of my greed for delicious food
7. Put my body in charge of my weight intead of my mind.

As long as they are busy with a project, lions are happy. Do you see what I did? I capitalized on my personality to help me succeed. I was content enough now with my new project to abandon all the dysfunctional stuff I was doing!

Are you a lion? Or do you have a lion in your life? Today, think about the lion personality. Use what you've read here about lions to help you understand that person better. And if it's you, see how you can replace old, irrational diet habits with a new project.

In the next meditation I'll discuss the beaver personality.

Cognitive therapy can be applied to diet soda.

I stopped all diet soda. Looking back, I now realize that the bubbles made it harder for me to discern hunger and fullness. I often felt bloated and uncomfortable from it.

Also, I sometimes felt poisoned by it. It was giving me headaches. Now I don't get those headaches. I used to trust Splenda, which I do think is better than the other sweeteners, but even Splenda offers only a false satisfaction for a craving for sugar. That's confusing to the body.

Now here's something revolutionary--who here has tried a sip of real soda lately? About once or twice a week, I drink a REAL can of ginger ale, and less often, a REAL itty bitty bottle of Coke. I drink it when: I have a craving for something bubbly, wet, and sweet. I try not to overdo drinking soda.

It's delicious! I'll never return to my dependence on diet soda. Besides, for me, it was surrounded by beliefs, such as:

1. This will help keep me feeling full
2. This will help me lose weight
3. If I don't drink this, I'll feel deprived
4. I don't drink enough water, so I need this liquid instead
5. It will satisfy my craving for something sweet

I've disputed those beliefs:

1. Diet soda can leave a gnawing, achy, false sense of hunger
2. Studies have already proven that diet soda doesn't help anybody lose weight, or maintain their weight
3. Not only do I not feel deprived, I feel relieved. Besides, I'm allowed to drink real soda, because it's legal!
4. Diet soda is actually high in sodium, and is dehydrating!
5. Our bodies and minds are not satisfied by fake sugar.

Do you find diet soda to be delicious? Then drink it. And you drink it in small quantities, right? No? Consider that drinking gallons of diet soda is part of the diet mentality. As a non-dieter, if you don't find it absolutely scrumcious, then why are you drinking it?

Just my opinon about diet soda. I'm not suggesting a no-soda rule! But some of you might like to interrogate yourselves about your beliefs regarding diet soda. It's an interesting area. (And, if you dare, maybe take a sip of real soda? You'll feel like a kid again.)

With love, Linda Moran

Do you have a volatile relationship with your weight scale? Join the club.

We try to weigh less often. We even put ourselves on a plan to wean ourselves off the scale. Then we try hiding it, or making it inconvenient. But the next day we're out there in the cold garage, weighing ourselves.

It's funny how worked up we get over our relationship with the scale. So understandable! But is the scale really the problem? Remember, learning normal eating is mostly about adaptive (internal change). Hiding the scale is only a technical change!

Maybe do a little cognitive therapy around the issue of the scale. Ask yourself questions like, "Is it AWFUL if I weigh every day?" "MUST I stop weighing myself?" After all, stepping on a piece of metal once a day doesn't heavily interfere with your schedule or anything, right?

Then ask, "What do I believe about weighing?" Perhaps you'll discover you're a little superstitious. Maybe you think if you don't weigh often, you'll get out of control. Have you seen evidence of this? If so, then the scale is your friend that helps keep you accountable.

Then maybe ask yourself what you'd prefer. Perhaps weighing in so often makes you a little crazy. Perhaps you'd prefer to weigh less often, so that you don't get thrown off by the little ups and downs that are normal. Remember, don't turn your new idea into another must. Instead, keep it at the level of prefer or strongly prefer. You don't need any more edicts! Keep it at the level of, "I'd prefer to weigh in only once a week."

Once you get a little logical about your use of the scale, it will control you less, and you will control it more. And you don't have to solve this in any particular way.

Here's my thinking about the problem of daily fluctuation that some of you have talked about. Actually I have an allegory to share.

Many of you who read this blog are also members of the Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board. If you visit the home page, you see that the left column always displays a count of members. This number sometimes fluctuates wildly, other times remains steady, and over time, keeps climbing.

How do I know this? I used to keep track of the number of members so I could add new members to a database that I keep. But it was driving me crazy! Here's why.

Very often, folks stumble across our group, subscribe, and then unsubscribe in a day or two. This seems to happen a lot. Other folks stay. That's why the number goes slightly up and down so much, but in the long run most folks stay, and so it's climbing over time.

For those who come and go, I was doing all that unnecessary database updating, and it was disappointing when someone left. So I stopped updating my database.

Now when I glance at the number, I notice the fluctuation more passively. When I see it go up by one, then down by one, I laugh. Breaking 100 members took a while. Predictably, when we broke 100 members last week, we then unbroke it, then broke it again a few days later. Now it's climbed to 110. It's exciting, but as I've said before, I'm not trying to build an empire. At some point it will level off, precisely when it's supposed to.

Do you see the metaphor? The number I'm referring to is steadily climbing, while numbers on your weight scale are (hopefully) steadily descending. But either way, there's a normal fluctuation that happens daily which means nothing. That is why the experts suggest weighing in only once a week (or less).

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Update in July 2006: I haven't touched the scale in months. On purpose? By willpower? No. It just hasn't occurred to me. It would collect dust, but hubby's on it every week. And that works for him.

There's no one right strategy concerning the scale. But I'm sure of one thing: when you start learning normal eating, focusing on what to dooooo about the scale is putting your efforts in the wrong place.

Consider hanging loose about the scale.

Do you still allow food to have power over you? It's time to dispute the belief that food can hurt you.

Watch out what you believe -- it can really cramp your style. Some diet groups demonize food, asking you to choose which are your trouble foods and eliminate them completely. Yet those are the foods that you love! This is all wrong.

Unfortunately, the above approach is based on the addiction model, which can apply to alcohol or drugs, but does it really seem appropriate for food?

Think about it. We need food to live. Our bodies are wired to tell us what we need, according to taste. Our overeating is caused by diet restriction, not solved by it. It seems that the addiction model breaks down when applied to food.

Unlike with drug abuse, the food is not the problem. It's the beliefs that are the problem. In fact, the belief that certain foods will be your downfall contributes to your irrational thinking around food. It will make matters worse!

But don't take my word for it. Why not try on this new belief for yourself? Do you really think with your rational mind that bread is your enemy? Does it really make sense to you that nature meant for you to avoid the foods that satisfy you? Do you really think you'll stay satisfied while avoiding the foods that make you happy?

Food can't hurt us. Fats and carbs can't hurt us. But beliefs can. The problem with the "evil foods" belief is that it contributes to the black and white thinking and obsessive behavior that led to your problem in the first place. You are altering your food from what you really like to something less. It's no wonder you overeat, and eventually binge on naughty foods!

Moreover, altering your food and eliminating certain foods puts you out of touch with your body's sense of taste, hunger, and satiety.

The answer is small portions, which arise from learning to sense your hunger and fullness. This method of eating is called "normal eating" or "non-dieting." Read more about non-dieting. This way to eat does not demonize any food.

Are you still harboring beliefs about certain foods? You don't have to gorge on them, but perhaps consider adding them to your range of foods that you like. Dare to eat a little bit. Maybe this will take time, due to your fears. But it certainly is a goal. Be sure and do a little work around disputing your fears.

With love, Linda Moran

Do you like English muffins? You can have them, prepared perfectly, and still lose weight.

Non-dieting, also called normal eating, is a way of eating that turns the dieting world upside down. We learn how to enjoy all foods again, and understand that food can't hurt us. We are not afraid to talk about specific foods. We accept that delicious food is a source of comfort. We learn how to enjoy and be satisfied by small amounts of food. We learn normal eating by modeling other normal eaters.

For some of us, English muffins are comforting. I like both the white flour kind and the whole wheat kind. But I'm picky aobut the whole wheat. It can't be the kind with sugar in it. And it can't be the kind with partially hydrogentated vegetable oil added. I buy my whole wheat english muffins at an alternative grocery.

I toast two halves. I butter my english muffin halves with margarine (the kind with no trans-fats) or sometimes real butter. Then I slather them with raspberry or blueberry jelly, sometimes orange marmalade. Then I heat them up in the microwave so that the taste is optimized.

Then, with my english muffin halves on my plate, alongside my fried egg, I begin to pick at my food. My toaster oven cooks unevenly, and leaves black parts. I tear those off and leave them on the plate. I like the inside, most buttery part the best, but I like to alternate between those parts nad the crunchier parts so I get a mixture of textures. If there's a lump of jelly, I drop that off onto the plate, because I don't like big lumps of jelly. I pick at my egg, and eat most but not all of it.

My plate is left with a few torn off burnt pieces of the English muffin, plus maybe a perfectly good edge, and maybe a little of the egg and a lump or two of jelly.

Yum.

Do you have trouble determining what you have control over, and what you don't? Many people struggle with control and boundaries.

This is not a blog about religion, but as many of you know, I do like to borrow tools. The serenity prayer, used successfully by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve-step groups, goes like this: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

But how do we go about knowing the difference? Through prayer or intellect (or both), and a willingness to sometimes ponder the question a little more deeply.

For example, someone in your family may think you're copping out on your diet, now that you've legalized all foods. They're saying that you've taken the easy way out. What do you have control over in this situation? Let's analyze.

1.You have control over your own beliefs. Do you, too, question whether you're taking the easy way out? That person in your life may be touching a nerve of doubt. If so, then take an intellectual approach, and be real. Say, "hmmmm...I guess there's a possibility that this is true...I shall think about what you've said. Thank you."

2.You have control over your feelings. If you get mad, could it be because you're unsure yourself? Then go back to number one.

3.You have control over what you say, and therefore how you will feel about yourself afterward. To avoid an emotional hangover, become introspective, and allow for a modicum of truth in what the person is saying. Besides, it's always disarming for an accusing person to be met with calm intellect!

If you don't have any doubt about your new way of eating, then you could simply state this truth, "Yes, I do think it's easy, now that I've practiced. And it works! I feel so free."

4.You don't have any control over making that person understand. Rather than try, it is better to analyze the content of what they've said, and respond with your intellect to that.

5.You don't have much control over being properly understood. Being understood is an irrational "must" for many people. Tell yourself that you would "prefer" or even "strongly prefer" to be understood, but that you have little control over it, so you might like, in this situation, to let go of that possibility.

6.You don't have control over helping that person with their own overeating. Maybe you'd strongly prefer to, but not at the expense of your own serentity. Perhaps you can defer explanation until a time when you feel that person is more open. What's interesting is that often, when folks are vehemently against something, that's when they're questioning their own beliefs, and may soon be open to another way to think.

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The above example is about overeating, but this same kind of analysis can be applied to any area of life. When we're willing to take a little time to discern what we have control over and what we don't, and maybe what we have a little bit of control over, this leads to great happiness and improved relationships.

Discerning our locus of control is also about knowing where you end, and someone else begins. This is referred to in psychological circles as "boundaries."

Today, perhaps memorize the serenity prayer. You can put it in your own words if you feel like it. And then set out to seek wisdom and discernment about what you have control over and what you don't. You will be amazed at how freeing this will be.

Are you in denial about how much you eat, how often you weigh yourself, or how many excess pounds you carry around?

If you're overweight and mostly try not to focus on it, have you ever noticed that seeing a picture of yourself tends to pierce your denial, but after you put the picture away, calm denial can be restored over the next few hours?

Denial. It's nearly always spoken of in negative terms, as in "Denial is not just a river in Egypt" (they say this in Alcoholics Anonymous.) Or "She's in denial about how impaired her child is" (total strangers like to say this about a special needs child.)

But denial has a positive side. If you're in denial about how much you really weigh, or how heavily you binge, you're getting saved from harsh information that could make your binges worse. Breaking totally free from denial too quickly can lead to panic, and to resorting to your old patterns of dealing with the associated stress of finding out--overeating.

Maybe it's best not to try too hard to break out of all your denial so suddenly. On the other hand, too much denial can cause us to keep putting off change. When we keep going as we are, how can we ever turn a corner?

Then how do we think about denial? Many of us recovering compulsive eaters and diet recoverers have a long list of denials. Consider picking just one from the list. Maybe even unearth one area of denial with the help of a therapist or a safe group of people. Journal about it.

Here's an example: Face how often you weigh yourself on a bad day. Is it one? five? ten? Are you in denial about this? Do you realize that even weighing yourself once a day is pretty crazy?

Or, pick something that's really bugging you, such as the impact of your eating issues on one of your children or your spouse.

Just taking a peek at what you do, carefully peeling away the denial, can help you. Break down denial in small chunks seems much safer than barraging yourself with the facts, which can be too stressful.

The answer to denial then, is to stage your breaking-free a little at a time. Be a little intentional and methodical about it, and expect it to take some time.

Perhaps share it on the Diet Survivors message board. What kind of denial would you like to start with?

And lastly, remember that denial can contribute to mental health. Allow yourself to stay in denial about something - such as how much you've aged or how much you neglect your lawn. After all, life aint perfect!

Welcome to the non-diet weblog. Do normal eaters ever overeat? This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter. referrer=http://www.lindamoran.net/blog/">Subscribe now.

Who would have thought that a one-year-old's birthday party would be the place where I'd go off the deep end? After all, I can have birthday cake any time I want--I can just go to the store and buy a mix, or order a birthday cake from the bakery. But this story isn't about cake.

As many of you know, I'm tuned in to hunger and fullness quite well, and I also know how to resist greed by reminding myself that I can always have that kind of food again any time I want. I just don't have to have it now.

What I may never have mentioned is that hubby and I dearly love Indian food. On the few occasions when we go out to eat without the kids, we find ourselves in an Indian restaurant, not knowing quite how we landed there yet again. I cook it once in a while, but not often enough, as it it quite labor-intensive, and the kids won't eat it.

It just so happens that our daughter's best friend is from Delhi, and her family keeps close ties with tradition, even though they live here as Americans in New Jersey. Her mother had a new baby last year, and that's how we Morans came to be at a traditional Indian birthday party for a one-year-old last night, at the Marriott Hotel. What a pleasant surprise it all was.

The room at the Marriott was bedecked with pink balloons, a DJ, and ladies in colorful saris and salwars. Buffet tables were lined with silver trays filled with catered Indian food from Parsippany. It was all there -- tandoori, paneer, chicken tikka, lentils, kofta, and the list goes on and on. Two other dyed-in-the-wool American families we know sat with us, also friends of the older daughter.

The party went on for five hours, with appetizers, entree, an open bar, dancing, and entertainment. To resist greed, I started out with my usual self-talk: "Linda you can have this any time you want..." but then I realized, "Oh wait a minute, no I can't. I may never be at an Indian function like this for the rest of my life!"

So what did I do? I indulged a little more than usual. This was a party, and I was having a good time. I ate until full, then had a helping of the ultra-sweet Gulaab Jamun for dessert. No, I didn't binge. I just ate until maybe 100 percent full.

Someone recently said that normal eaters occasionally overeat. I can attest to that. Yes, it's true. It's all a matter of degree and frequency. And I didn't eat to the point of pain. In fact, I may not have gained an ounce of weight, since when I wasn't wolfing down food, I was dancing my heart out to some kind of Indian rock and rollish music. Whatever it was, it was way cool.

But even if I did gain weight yesterday, I'm simply back on track, with no worries. I'll wait for hunger, and eat until full-ish.

You might now be saying, "Hey wait a minute...what is the rule again? I thought it was 80 percent. I'm confused." Just when you're perhaps getting over a binge eating disorder, and trying to become a regular eater, someone is here telling you that normal eaters occasionally overeat!

The eighty-percent-full-thing is an intuition-thing, not a rule. Haven't you chased enough rules? Normal eating is about being true to yourself. It's about going with your gut and creativity and all those kind of non-rule things that may be unfamiliar to you, and perhaps a little scary.

If you're like I once was, you might cling to rules and ridgidity in order to keep life simple and manageable. Often, this approach to life is born of a confusing childhood, and is an attempt at making order of chaos. But over-reliance on rules fails miserably when it comes to eating. Moreover, it limits us in other ways we don't even realize.

So here's your challenge: if you can ditch the rules, and instead learn to look within (not all at once but slowly), you will not only find your own unique brand of normal eating that is born of spontaneity and divergent thinking, but other areas of your life will start to change as well.

You may become artistic or musical. You might find solutions to problems that have nagged you with your kids, spouse, or relatives. You might discover your intellectual potential. You might find your public speaking voice for the first time. You might change the decor in your house. You might find new friends, and new ways of relating to people. The possiblities are endless when you open your mind a little more to the chaos of life.

Hmmm...maybe I should replace my 80 percent guideline advice with the word "full-ish." But whatever.

With love, Linda Moran

Every dieter looks forward, often in vain, to the maintenance phase. But non-dieters don't have to wait. They can start out maintenance-minded from day one.

How often do you hear a friend say, "I’m on a diet"? Probably very often! But how often do you hear, "I was on a diet, lost the weight, and it’s been five years and I’ve kept the weight"? Not as often, right? Many become addicted to dieting itself, and even reward themselves for their weight loss by overeating and putting the weight back on.

There are many reasons for their ultimate failure, not the least of which is a lack of vision. All great leaders and other successful people of every kind have visions for the future. To lose weight and keep it off, envision the future--that time when you will be maintaining a steady weight, not losing weight.

Many dieters resist this optimism, and instead focus only on weight loss. It's a mistake. Your beliefs about the future have everything to do with your success.

I suggest that you address weight maintenance in a new way. It starts with your attitude toward people you know who have kept the weight off. Doesn't it make sense that they are the winners, not the antagonists? How often do you commiserate with other dieters by saying this, "Don’t you hate those skinny people?"

Stop doing that! Have you ever said, "Well, she's lucky--she has a better metabolism than I do," or, "She was able to do it because she works at home and has more choices of food."

I want to ask you something. If you are setting yourself apart from or explaining away the success of others, how do you expect to become one of them?

So, it turns out that all those thin people whom you once ignored can be your best mentors. You can start interviewing them immediately. Find out how they eat and when they eat. Talk to those who have always been thin and never struggled, and also talk to those who lost weight permanently without dieting.

Minimize commiserating with those who fail. Your focus will be on your life now, not on your weight struggles. Stick with the winners, and you'll win, too (or perhaps "lose" is the better term). You'll find out that only a few thin people you know don't have to be careful at all—when you meet one, just move on. He might not be able to help you.

When you see a thin person enjoying a donut for breakfast, you no longer have to think to yourself, "It must be nice to have a good metabolism." Instead, you can learn from her and emulate her, because the truth is that if your metabolism is slow, you adjust by eating less food, and you are no less comfortable than a thin person with a good metabolism.

So when you see that thin person, now you can tell yourself that she may have been in search of that perfect donut for weeks now, and has rejected all other offers until today. You can tell yourself that she probably does not eat donuts very often. You can tell yourself that she might not eat anything else until dinner, and then will have a small dinner. Each of these explanations fit.

Learn to emulate that thin person and become so in tune with your tastes that you will reject all but the very best donut, which could take months to track down.

Becoming maintenance-minded is about "sticking with the winners." Become one of them. Befriend them. Find out how they think. And tell them, "I have this problem now, but I'm going to be successful like you."

Excerpted from the book, How to Survive Your Diet and Conquer Your Food Issues Forever by Linda Moran.

Welcome to the non-diet weblog. Do you resist the kind overtures of other people? Perhaps it's never occurred to you that this self-protection is yet another way, along with overeating, of avoiding risk, avoiding feelings.

My husband has a saying. He gets right in my face and says, "Linda, let people like you."

Indeed, I've learned to do just that. I even let people go out of their way for me, and I even ask them to do so.

Before going on vacation last week I wanted to call my neighbor to ask her to collect my mail and watch my house. In past years, I might have done so (if at all) with all kinds of apology for inconveniencing her. Not this time.

I called her with my best playful, lighthearted voice, and simply asked. She was happy to comply, and may have gotten off that phone feeling good all over because it was a pleasant conversation, rather than a whiny apologetic one.

So, once somebody likes you, then reinforce for them that liking you is a pleasant experience. And if you need something, just ask. Soak up love. Internalize people that you enjoy and take them with you as you go about your day.

Do you remember a few weeks ago when I was feeling pretty down? I actually told everybody that I needed to be love-bombed. Talk about bold! I was prepared for the possiblity that maybe nobody would respond. And, using some cognitive therapy, I knew I'd recover if that happened. But they did respond, and it helped. People often enjoy feeling helpful.

So if you think you're an island, ask yourself today whether that's too lonely a place to be. Maybe you're getting ready to take more social risks. It's guaranteed, if you take risks, that things will sometimes go wrong. But mostly they'll go right. And your life will be richer.

With love, Linda Moran