Diet Survivors: October 2005 Archives

Normal eaters welcome hunger. Do you? If you're like a lot of diet addicts, you fear hunger:

1. If I get hungry, I might get overly hungry, and then I'll overeat

2. If I get too hungry, then I might not be around food when I need it and l'll starve

3. When I get very hungry, my stomach feels gnawing and empty and I get a headache

Here's how to get hungry comfortably:

1. If you really end up having no food around when you need it, drink some water. That will hold you until you get to food.

2. It's helpful to understand that if you're overweight, you can go for long periods of time without eating, and it won't hurt you a bit. Some folks wait for days to find their first real hunger. Just be sure and drink water

3. The discomfort of hunger can be caused by having eaten too many refined carbohydrates recently or having eaten an unbalanced meal. When you settle into a pattern of balanced meals (a balance of protein, fats, and carbs), these uncomfortable symptoms may lessen or go away. Try to have complex carbs and whole grains instead of products made with refined white flour

4. Some folks need to avoid alcohol while they're learning this way of eating. Alcohol can sometimes make it more difficult to know when to stop eating when you're ravenously hungry. If this describes you, wait until you're more established in your normal eating before resuming your consumption of wine or a cocktail with dinner.

5. Remember that hunger will serve you well because when you do eat, everything will be especially delicious! This was how food was meant to taste.

6. If you have to wait a long time to eat, and you've worked up a hunger, you don't have to fear eating a little something, such as a piece of cheese, to hold you over. Even as a former binge eater, you can learn control.

Getting hungry enough that your stomach growls is good for you, and will help regulate your weight. But once you've hit your hunger signals, do eat, if food is available. If it's not, eat just as soon as you can. And you can eat with control after getting good and hungry. Try it for yourself and see. It's time to believe you are capable of eating in a civilized manner.

Learn more about cognitive therapy. Read about normal eating and non-dieting.

Do you know what an opportunist is? It's simply a person who looks for luck and then seizes on it. Although sometimes the term describes a person with less-than-noble motives, it also describes winners of all types.

I once read about a photographer of notoriety who declared that his key to success was to "prepare himself for luck."

Everyone has traits and circumstances they can use to their advantage if they're just willing. What do you have in your life that sets you up for non-dieting success? Here are a few ideas. See if any of them pertain to you.

1. You've studied it before, so you already have a head start

2. You're a person of tenacity

3. You have a friend that's learning normal eating too

4. You're a fighter and a survivor by nature

5. You've succeeded before at normal eating

6. You remember a time in your life when you were a normal eater, and that's a nice "hook" to connect with

7. You like to read

8. You've already lost some weight on a diet, so you're already feeling pretty good right now

9. You just had something nice happen in your life, so you're feeling optimistic

10. You just recently went on anti-depressant medication, and your mood has lifted

11. You are seeing a therapist that supports your efforts at non-dieting

12. You like the idea of changing distorted beliefs -- it just makes sense to you

13. You have a schedule that lends itself to varying eating times, which could help a little in the beginning

14. You just started a new job/hobby/family which will distract you from overeating

15. This is all new to you, which adds to the excitement

16. You have access to plenty of support and helpful reading material (hey that sounds like Diet Survivors!)

In some religious and spiritual circles, these opportunities are called "provisions." Isn't it funny that some of us even push away our provisions, stating, "Well, that's cheating. If it weren't for this luck, I wouldn't really be successful."

How ridiculous!

It's time to think like that photographer. Today, discern at least one trait or circumstance in your own life that will help you succeed at non-dieting. You may not have most of what's on my list, but that's okay. Then, instead of your fears or your faulty beliefs, dwell on your advantage. Then run with it! (And if you feel like, tell us about it on the Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board.)

Learn more about cognitive therapy. Read about normal eating and non-dieting.

So you've read some books about non-dieting in the past. Maybe you tried it for a while, but you gave up, or your fears got the best of you, or you rejected non-dieting or strayed away. Non-dieting just didn't "stick."

Hmmm... interesting. What did you stray away from? Why didn't it stick? Perhaps you turned non-dieting into a little too much of an eating plan?

Is it possible for non-dieting to not work? Sure. That's because the diet mentality is rife with beliefs and distorted thinking. Those beliefs lie deep below feelings. For many learning non-dieting, then, it's not enough to dive into non-dieting as a technical change alone.

Success requires adaptive change. Adaptive changes are more internal, and more pervasive in our lives.

What is this internal , adaptive change? It's not a lot of work, but it requires a little attention. Dig down below your fears, frustrations, anger, worries, self-hatred, and disturbing behaviors, and see if you can identify some beliefs you've been hanging your hat on. Are they really true?

Do you really need to eat foul-tasting food in order to lose weight? Are you really incapable of finding internal food-wisdom? Are you really only worth-while after you lose the weight? Will losing weight truly fix all your problems? Do diets really make any sense? Is food really your friend?

There are as many irrational beliefs as there are people, because it's part of the human condition to distort reality.

Notice that I'm not encouraging you to do "feelings" therapy. Feelings therapy has its place, but did you know that feelings are ever-fleeting, ever-changing, and at the surface? They are nudged along by our beliefs!

All you need to do is dig down to the belief behind the feeling. At first, it's helpful to write it down, but eventually identifying beliefs can become a regular mental exercise. Are you unduly upset about your weight, to the point where you cannot seem to do anything about it? The feeling at the surface is distress. The belief underneath it may be something like, "I'm not worthwhile as I am. I must lose the weight before I can start living." Now think about it--does this belief help you lose weight, or does it, instead, put undue pressure on you to go on a quick-fix diet? Moreover, is it true?

Each time you uncover a belief, replace it with something that's true. Also replace "musts" with "would like to's." In this example, your replacement belief could be, "I am fine the way I am, but I would also really like to eventually lose this weight." Repeat it like a mantra or meditation. This is important, because you're replacing well-worn self-talk in your head with something new. The new self-talk requires plenty of repetition.

Then notice how the distress shrinks down to a more manageable "concern". And maybe the concern is accompanied by a new eagerness and excitement about the future.

It all sounds so rational and sober, doesn't it? Everyone can learn to think this way. It only takes applying yourself a little bit. But don't worry--once you learn how to do this, you'll still be you. Just more proactive!

For another example, and more explanation about disputing beliefs, see Fears and the ABCDEF method.

If you're willing to do the work, you can truly recover and become a normal eater. But without a willingness to reach down into your mucky well of beliefs and churn them up a bit, you may be limited in your ability to change.

What else are you believing?

Learn more about cognitive therapy. Read about normal eating and non-dieting.

Life has pain. We love, we lose, we err, we regret, we wallow, we feel all kinds of yucky feelings such as shame, embarrassment, and disappointment.

Addicts tends to resist this pain. When you're medicated with alcohol, drugs, or even shopping or gambling, you don't feel the pain.

While there are some differences between folks with food issues and addicts, especially in how to approach recovery, it can be helpful to think of yourself as a bit of an addict if you use food as your substance to numb pain.

Some years ago I attended a weekend-long spiritual retreat, for which the theme was "The Pain." By this they meant that all humans, as part of the human condition, experience pain. The Pain, referring to the fact that everyone has pain, was a commonality that we shared over the weekend.

Did you know that you can tolerate The Pain? I mean in its stark raving sober unmedicated form.

What many folks who numb their pain don't realize is that when you numb the pain, you numb the joy, too. What they further don't realize is that it only takes courage -- a BIG DOSE of courage -- to let the pain be stark.

Courage is not the absence of fear. For many of us, courage only requires being fed up with the alternative, and then saying, "Well what do I have left to lose?" Folks with courage are those who plow ahead in spite of their fear, because there's something they want badly enough.

If you've been numbing some pain, decide today to be a person of courage. Withstand The Pain in its stark, sober form. Whether it's a disappointment, a frustration, stress, sickness, or too much reality, see if you're really going to die from allowing yourself to feel The Pain with nothing to numb it.

You might be quite surprised when the sun still comes up tomorrow morning.

Read about normal eating and non-dieting.

Everyone has an opinion about how much water you should drink. Some experts have recommended 6 to 8 glasses of water per day. Other experts break up their guidelines according to how much exercise you get.

So how about listening to your thirst? That's a good start, but thirst is not as good an indicator as hunger. Funny, huh? Lots of us do go thirsty. Many of us even eat when thirsty instead of drink. Actually, that's okay, as long as we're eating "wet" foods.

I think we're not getting enough other liquids. Dieters have been known, for example, to avoid fruit, viewing it as wasted calories better spent on a quarter of a Snickers bar.

As a non-dieter, you might like to revisit wet foods with calories, such as orange juice or canned pears in heavy syrup. See if you like them! I love canned apricots.

Those water guidelines don't seem to take into account all the wet foods we consume. So rather than count glasses of water, why not cultivate your craving for wet foods of all kinds? In all likelihood, you enjoy them but they disappeared during your dieting days. Resurrect them! Have a glass of chocolate milk! Most important, "tune in" to what you like and what your wisdom tells you.

And here's something noteworthy: the experts used to say that caffeinated drinks don't "count" toward your servings of liquid, but that was only theoretical. The thinking had been that caffeine is dehydrating.

Well, guess what was reported on the news this week! Caffeinated products do count.

You probably knew that already.

Think about wet foods and drinks today. Do you avoid some only because old habits die hard? Make something old new again.

Read about normal eating and non-dieting.

"Just relax." "Don't worry so much." We hear this well-intended advice often, and we even tell it to ourselves. For many of us, "don't worry" even becomes just another "should." More pressure, more failure. We worry about our worrying! We're sure that our worrying contributes to our anxiety.

The December 2005 issue of Psychology Today says otherwise. Dr. Robert Leahy, in his article titled, "The way of the worrier," explains that while you're worrying, your anxiety level is lower.

It's no wonder we go right on worrying. It's a relief from anxiety! In addition, it helps us become vigilant about controlling whatever we can to help bring about the best possible outcome.

So why do any of us perceive worrying as a problem? Simply because it can distract and upset us if we do it too much, or if we do it inefficiently.

So get efficient about your worrying. Are you worrying about something in the near future that you may have some control over? That's great! Do what you can to effect the outcome.

But if you're worrying about far-off or generalized "what-ifs," consider redirecting your worry toward something more productive that you can actually do something about.

Do you worry about your weight? Redirect your worries toward doing something productive about it today. Aim for a "just-right" amount at each meal. If you have binge eating disorder, and a binge starts today, stop it earlier than usual. These steps you take today are building blocks. Aim again tomorrow for a just-right amount, and then again the day after that. After many days of doing something about your worry, you will see an achievement you once only worried about.

Worry sure can be a friend!

Read about normal eating and non-dieting.

A former Diet Survivors member recently remarked that she wanted to stop dieting because dieting is "too intense." I agree. She went on to say that she found our Diet Survivors board to also be "too intense." Again, I would have to agree. We sure can get carried away, and I do believe I am the cause of it. LOL!

I realize now that to a black and white thinker, which many of you are when you come here, it can seem overwhelming to read all those posts and think you have to absorb and do all that!

So let's get down to earth here. Non-dieting isn't so complicated, really. In fact, it's mostly about unlearning what you've learned.

Here's non-dieting in a nutshell:

1. Avoid all diet foods, unless you find them delicious

2. Set your mind to re-finding your hunger and fullness signals, and obey them as best you can

3. Realize that you don't need much delicious food to be satisfied. It doesn't make sense to wolf down huge quantities of doctored, unpleasant dreck

4. Embrace stress, frustration, worry, and anxiety as part of the human condition. They don't have to be numbed by food or any other substance

5. Ditch everything you've learned about weight loss and replace it with trusting your appetite

6. Give yourself time to learn how to be a normal eater. Perfection isn't necessary, nor is it even desirable. Instead, "good enough" is good enough

7. Become willing over time to melt your black-and-white thinking. That will make non-dieting stick.

In the words of Yoda from Star Wars, "You must unlearn what you have learned."

Read about normal eating and non-dieting.

Do you criticize yourself for not accepting yourself more? Do you apply black and white rules to not having any food rules? Do you upset yourself over getting upset? Do you overeat in response to having overeaten?

It may sound humorous, but in cognitive therapy, these behaviors are called "disturbing yourself about your disturbances." It's a very real phenomenon, and it leads to anxiety, depression, and yes....overeating to try and calm the nervous system.

A member of our board, Francesca, was thinking about this subject, and posted some interesting thoughts yesterday on the board. With her permission, I am reprinting them here. Says Francesca,

"As I was walking tonight something occurred to me: that accepting yourself as you are just might not be that natural. Perhaps it might be better to accept that humans do struggle - to accept the struggle. Because when I try to accept myself as just perfect the way I am, I tend to then take that black-and-white thinking and turn it towards acceptance or no-diet and make it self-criticism all over again: 'I don't totally accept myself, what's wrong with me?' 'I didn't 'do' no-diet today, what is wrong with me?' 'I SHOULD accept myself as I am but I don't.' Ironically, it's just another level of something to hate about myself, another level of shoulds.

"So what's the solution? Possibly just taking a step back and observing. If it were a friend who was not accepting herself, or a friend who was compulsively eating, I'd treat it as 'interesting' rather than 'devastating.' Another ND list-serv I was on a few years ago had a discussion thread where the members were trying to observe their own behavior as if from a distance, using the term, 'Isn't that interesting?' Some examples we posted were, 'Isn't that interesting? I'm much more inclined to want food when I'm not hungry this morning. I wonder why?' Or, 'I'm not accepting myself at all today. That's interesting -- maybe I can figure out what's really going on.'

"True, this detaches us emotionally, but maybe that's a good thing sometimes - maybe we can also accept that sometimes we just don't want to be in touch with our feelings?"

------------------

Well said, Francesca. Today, consider trying what Francesca described. When you behave or think in ways that disturb you, see if you can become clinical and detached. You might like to try and describe your own behavior in objective terms, as though you were your own analyst. Get your feelings out of it. Rather than be upset by what you see, be curious. Say, "Isn't that interesting. I wonder why I did that."

When we disturb ourselves, it's no fun, and maybe we have a bad day as a result. But when we get into disturbing ourselves over the fact that we're disturbing ourselves, we can really go over the edge. See if you can back up a bit, and let it be okay that you're disturbing yourself. Accept that life has some inner struggles. I sometimes refer to this on the board as "talking yourself down from the ledge." If you need to be disturbed over something, so be it. But there's no need to disturb yourself over it!

I want to return to something important in what Francesca said. Go back and look at her first sentence. It starts with, "As I was walking tonight..."

Why is this so important? Because Francesca thought of these things as a result of reflection. The reflective life leads to truly creative ideas. Reflection lifts us out of our traps. Today, take a few minutes to reflect about the struggle of being human. Find your own thoughts about The Struggle of being human. Make some peace with it.

As babies our appetites are wired to seek a "just-right" amount. But over the years, by social and culture forces, this pursuit of a just-right amount gets distorted, harder to reach, even a forgotten goal.

Then, we go out of our way to do something that makes it even worse. We go on a diet. From the day we adopt the diet mentality, we replace the goal of "just-right" with a goal of "the more the better."

In my children's school, the kids get to pick their own reading. The teacher maintains several alphabetically labeled boxes filled with interesting books, each box being successively harder to read than the last box.

Each child is tested from time to time, and told which box is filled with their own "just-right" books. The student is allowed only to dip into their own designated "just-right" books. Those are books which are neither too easy nor too hard for that child. Then, once in a while, the students are allowed to dip into the box on the left or the right, but only as a treat.

To become normal eaters again, we need to relearn now to seek a "just-right" amount--not too little, not too much. How to do that?

Many former dieters resist the possibility that they themselves, can find their just-right amount at every meal. They think they'll need, for the rest of their lives, to be told how many grams of food they should eat each day.

But it isn't true. You were born "wired" to seek a just-right amount. And you have all the tools inside you. You just need to direct your efforts toward finding what was lost.

Today, meditate on the words "just right." See what else it applies to in your life, in addition to food.

"But why are you resisting this simple assignment? It seems to be causing you undue stress." This is the question I asked my then eleven-year-old about a current events assignment she had to do for middle school.

It was one of those strokes of luck that we were alone, had ample time, and she felt safe to make a shocking admission. Once, four years ago in elementary school, she presented a current events assignment that she'd worked very hard on. Sadly, and for whatever reason, she was crushed by the teacher's reaction to her presentation: "It was boring." Can you imagine a teacher saying that?

Ever since, my daughter revealed to me, she hasn't thought herself able to do current events assignments. Now that she has one looming in middle school, it must be the most interesting presentation of the whole class. It's no wonder she was stressed!

Sipping my coffee across from my vulnerable daughter, and disturbed by this revelation, I proceeded into a diatribe about how that was the one teacher I had liked the least. But her face drooped further, and then she stopped me mid-sentence: "But Mom, that was my favorite teacher!"

Okay, time to back-peddle. Think think think. What to say? My daughter made it clear she didn't want me dissing her favorite teacher from elementary school. I had had no idea! What a quandary for my child, to be holding dear something so hurtful told by her favorite teacher. What to do?

"Honey," I proceeded carefully..."Do you think someone you love dearly can make a mistake?"

The tone in the room changed. We spoke of relatives, we spoke of my own parenting mistakes. I shared with her something hurtful said to me by a loved one, something which I now know to be false. I explained that I rejected the falsehood but not the person who said it.

Then a light went on. My daughter began to realize that her teacher, whom she loved, could have been wrong that day. She may have been in a bad mood, or preoccupied, or bored with her own job.

That teacher remained, and still remains to this day, my daughter's favorite teacher. My daughter is at peace now with the idea that human beings, even loved ones, fail us sometimes. Even terrific teachers are sometimes flat-out wrong.

Were you told something as a child which wasn't true? If my twelve-year-old can reject the lie and still love the person, so can you. Stop struggling with it and just do it.

"But if I buy loose clothing that actually fits, that's like saying I'm giving up."

Have you heard yourself say something like that? What are you really believing?

Let's do some cognitive therapy around size acceptance. I will make a list of some beliefs folks have on the subject of size acceptance. You might have a different list, which you can write down right along with me:

1. Accepting my current size means giving up.
2. Other people think I look disgusting.
3. I can't get a job in my field. Nobody wants an overweight [fill in the blank...teacher, dog groomer, carpenter, etc.].
4. What other people think matters, and I think the same way they do. I don't accept myself either.

Let's look at the above beliefs and see if we can find a flaw in them. The whole idea of cognitive therapy is that, being human, we sometimes think in distorted and irrational ways. Working against this, we can uncover our faulty beliefs and replace them. It's hard work, and it will never be automatic because we're still human, but it can become a more natural part of our thinking, with practice, to dispute and replace beliefs. This leads to greater peace, feelings of well-being, and interestingly, a better ability to change the things we want to change in our lives. So here goes:

Why do you think you need to pressure yourself by wearing the wrong size clothing?

Is there something about that overly tight waistband that will magically give you willpower or cause you to stay more accountable?

Have you ever considered that putting this kind of pressure on yourself can make you feel defeated all the time?
Folks who succeed at great things don't do so because they go around feeling defeated all the time. Instead, they accept themselves as they are, and then set themselves up for success.

When you imagine that others think you look disgusting, have you ever considered these two possibilities, both of which seem to represent clearer thinking:

• Most folks are much more self-absorbed than that, and probably aren't really thinking about you at all! Because you are in a habit of comparing yourself to others, you think that others are doing the same. But actually, many emotionally healthy folks are going about living their lives, and not judging you at all. They simply accept the way you look.
• Those few folks who do judge you by your weight are actually insecure and prejudiced. Do you really want the approval of prejudiced people? Why do you want to please the low-lifes? If you were a minority (or perhaps you are), would you reject yourself because other folks do? They would be wrong to judge you, wouldn't they? Then why are you being prejudiced? Think about this...do you judge other overweight people harshly? If so, practice tolerance. Go out of your way to start thinking of overweight people in a kinder way. Work at viewing them with the same respect you would give anyone else. Overcoming prejudice takes time and work.

Cognitive therapists tell us that we defeat ourselves with our musts, as in I must lose this weight, I must exercise, I must judge myself harshly, I must not accept myself this way, and so on.

Instead, the experts tell us, and I agree, that we help ourselves more by identifying our strongly prefers." We pair our "strongly prefers" (and "prefers" and "would-like-to's") with self-acceptance. We also accept imperfection as being tolerable. Here are a few examples:

• I accept my size, and living the rest of my life like this won't be a nightmare, but I would strongly prefer to lose the weight.
• I'd strongly prefer to wear beautiful, thin, fashionable clothes, but I can tolerate wearing beautiful, large, fashionable clothes.
• I'd strongly prefer to be kinder to myself, and I think maybe what I 'd like to do is to rid myself of my own prejudices about overweight.

Today, think about size acceptance. Does it prevent weight loss or does it facilitate it? Write your own list of beliefs and then look at your beliefs soberly and rationally. Decide on some new beliefs about size acceptance. Prove to yourself, rather than listen to me, that size acceptance will greatly assist you in losing the weight.

Turn size acceptance into a "strongly prefer."

What is our goal here? Is it non-dieting? Is it learning normal eating? Is it giving up on dieting? Is it acceptance of our current size?

These are all good things. But I think it's helpful to think of the goal as two-fold:

1. Acceptance of our current size
2. Learning reasonable eating

Regarding the first goal, we've learned the hard way that we don't seem to lose the weight when we don't already have self-acceptance. Therefore, trying to lose weight because you hate your current size seems doomed to failure for many folks. The reason? For many of you, and it seems more true for women than men, body size is all wrapped up in our view of ourselves as people. It's too much pressure. The stakes are too high.

Regarding the second goal, again we've learned the hard way. Dieting doesn't lead to permanent weight loss. We all now know that fact in our heart of hearts. But what does work?

The only shot we have at permanent weight loss is reasonable eating. By eliminating our self-abuse and replacing it with reasonable eating, we're giving our bodies a chance to properly take care of themselves

For many of you, this could mean weight loss. For some of you, it will mean weight maintenance. But it will never mean weight gain (unless you are currently underweight of course.)

So even in the worst case scenario (if you're one of those who doesn't lose the weight while eating reasonably), it's a win because you'll already have the size acceptance. And if you lose the weight, it's also a win, because it will be permanent.

Today, as you go about your day, meditate on your two-fold goal:

1. Size acceptance
2. Reasonable eating

In the next meditation, we'll do a little deeper into size-acceptance.

Waiting until your birthday to open the present. Rewarding yourself at the end of the day for a job well done. Seeking diligently and patiently for the right mate. Eating your dinner first and then having dessert. Delayed gratification is a virtue.

Indeed, it certainly is best to eat your broccoli, baked potato and steak first, and then have dessert afterward. You get your proper nutrition that way. And besides, eating sweet stuff first ruins our appetites for the main course. Thirdly, dessert is a signal to the brain that the meal is ending.

And as you're learning normal eating, you're reminded that while having your entree, you'll want to leave some room for a slice of pie, or decide you like the entree so much that you'll fill up on that, and forgo the dessert. Either way is fine.

But what about that entree? You have preferences right on that plate. Perhaps you like the center of the steak best. Should you save that center part until you may be getting full? No! Taste is most intense when you're very hungry, so go for the best parts first.

Dissect your steak and get to that perfect bite first. Then push around the broccoli, looking for the most delectable one to stab first. You only like the tips of the broccoli? Cut off the rest. Take one bite of the steak, then maybe a bite of the broccoli, then pause for conversation.

Now check out that baked potato. Baked potatoes have many parts. They have crunchy skin, flabby skin, steamed potato, buttered parts, unbuttered parts. Dissect your potato and find the perfect bite. Maybe you'll add a little sour creme to that bite before digging in. Then look up from your plate. Talk to your company.

As you move from one bite to the next, find the perfect blend or balance for you. Maybe you like to rotate between foods. Or maybe you like to eat all of one food first, then all of another. Think about what you like.

By the end of your meal, you'll have undesirable pieces left on your plate. A pile of steak pieces, some broccoli stems, some wet, flabby baked potato skins, and maybe a whole chunk of cold potato that you just couldn't finish.

You saved the worst for last, and then didn't even eat it. This is how to eat a dinner. This is normal eating.

Have you ever heard the expression, "It's not a panacea." Have you ever noticed that nobody ever says that something is a panacea? It's funny how we use words. Anyway, that was an aside about language.

But is non-dieting a cure-all? The purists may think so, but I don't.

We've seen folks on the Diet Survivors message board with all kinds of problems. We've seen pregnancy, depression, celiac disease, mineral deficiency, seasonal affective disorder, medications that cause weight gain, and the list goes on. Is it possible that a few folks here may struggle with finding their hunger and fullness and their resulting correct weight because they have other complications?

Absolutely! For the majority of us, our problems can be simply solved by learning the principles of normal eating and some cognitive therapy. But some of you may have underlying physical problems that can make this all seem so ovewhelming.

Don't start concluding that you're sabotaging yourself if you can't seem to catch on. Instead, seek medical attention. See if you have any allergies, deficiencies, or even some depression that could be addressed with medication. Continue working here, too. But how do you know?

This is where your inner wisdom comes in. Ask yourself whether you suspect there's a secondary problem. If your gut says yes, then seek the help you need. Nobody else is going to do this for you, unfortunately. Only you know.

On the other hand, if your inner wisdom tells you that all is right physically, and that any difficulties you are having are simply side effects of poor eating, poor self-image, overweight, and so forth, then you, too, know what to do! Proceed. It wont' even be that hard. Most of you will fall into the latter category.

Either way, everyone here can learn to be a normal eater. Just use your rational mind to find out which paths to pursue.

"I'm afraid I'll gain weight if I'm in control of my own eating. I'm very anxious about this, and wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. I'm feeling tempted to go back to dieting. Maybe I'll quietly leave my non-dieting group. Maybe the disease model is better for me. I think I'm having a crisis...help! "

Does this sound like you?

Let's apply the ABCDEF method of cognitive therapy to your anxiety. The idea is for you to identify how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Then you take a sober look at whether what you are thinking and believing is rational. Then, when you dispute your thinking and replace it with something more true, the feelings change and become more tolerable. Let's pick it apart step by step::

Activating event: Tremendous anxiety and worry about non-dieting. You are worried that you will gain weight. This is not comfortable. You liked dieting better, because at least, when you were on a roll, you didn't have all this worry.

Belief: You believe that if you are in charge of your own eating schedule, food choices, and even appetite, you'll gain weight. You also believe that if trying something new causes anxiety, you shouldn't do it. You believe that discomfort is intolerable and must be dealt with. You believe that you just didn't work hard enough on all your past diets. You think you need to be controlled by a strict diet or else you'll lose control.

Consequence: The consequential feelings are fear, worry, and anxiety. Inability to make a decision, or a compulsion to run away from the one cure that will really work.

Dispute the beliefs:

I have no evidence that I can't learn to be in charge of my own eating.
I can't possibly apply any more human effort to dieting, so I suspect that there's another way.
It doesn't even make sense that altered food is what keeps people thin.
I've never tried portion control after getting my thinking straight. Maybe it could work.
Maybe I've always tried the safe thing. Perhaps I've avoided the scary thing too much. I have no evidence that fear and the unknown are intolerable. I haven't really tried walking through them.

Effective new thinking

Being in control of my eating is possible.
I'd like to try what seems to be a more natural way to eat.
Even if I don't lose weight, the likelihood that I will gain a lot of weight is rather low because I am a rational person and can be in charge.

Feeling: Your new feelings might be of relief, courage, a little bit of fear but not overwhelming fear, excitement, looking forward to the possibilities.

When you're first learning the ABCDEF method, you really should write it down, just as I have done. But once you catch on, and are finding it helpful, you'll be able to do it in your head. It will be a life-long tool.

In the book of Proverbs (Christian bible) it says "Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life."

I don't think the reference is really about hair, and many of us dye our hair to look better. But I like the idea that as we grow older, we begin to wear a crown of glory.

I, too, have been noticing that much of the world seems to be younger than me. Doctors, my kids' teachers, politicians, folks in high places. This means I'm under the authority of folks younger than me. My therapist is younger than me.

I asked my husband recently why some folks resist growing older and don't like their birthdays. He said it's because they feel they haven't achieved all that they'd wanted to achieve by now.

I guess I don't feel that way. I may not be a famous actress, best-selling author, or achieved anything lofty. But I have a rich life, and I don't feel anything is missing.

I, like many of you, am slowly adjusting to the fact that I'm one of the older people. I'll be 49 this spring, and that sure sounds a heck of a lot like 50. I'll be eligible for AARP and will be able to get a few senior discounts.

I also recognize that the younger generation is more sophisticated than I was at their age. I'd like to learn from them. I'm getting used to the idea that I take direction, for example, from teachers half my age. So be it.

I don't think I want to be that young person that I once was. I like the idea that I'm pushing fifty. This means I'm just starting the second half of my life. It means I'll need to focus a little more on my health -- maybe more checkups. It means I'm starting to need to pace myself a little more.

It also means grieving a few losses. I never did become a teacher, although I have my certification. I became a programmer instead. I doubt I'll ever learn to swim. I never did get my master's degree. I could still have all these things, but my life has taken a different direction, and right now while I have kids at home, it's not about me.

The whole dieting thing becomes so self-focussed, don't you think? I'm throwing this question out to anybody. Yet we get so wrapped up in it that, in order to unravel it, we need yet more self-focus for a little while longer.

There was a meditation on this self-focus issue a few months back. I'll resurrect it now. It's called "Earnest the baby bird."

Today, regardless of your age, meditate on the idea that you are unique and special, and that you change over time. You learn and grow, and your body changes to reflect your growing wisdom. Wanting to be younger is the same as wanting to be someone else. You've already realized how futile it is to want to be someone else. Embrace who you are and embrace your age. Even if you're in your teens and twenties, you have wisdom, so share it!

You want me to decide for myself when and what to eat? I can't do that! I need to be scheduled! I need rules! I can't make such decisions myself!

You want me to wear clothes that fit loosely? You say they should actually be comfortable? But then I'll get lazy and never lose the weight. I need to be forced! I need to be coerced! I need to be controlled!

Does this sound like you? Perhaps you've fallen prey to the disease model of disordered eating. You think that any cure for your problems must come from strict plans, and other folks' rules for eating. You believe that certain foods have control over you.

Or maybe you haven't thought of the disease model, but you simply think if you're in charge of your own eating, it can never go right.

But the truth is that your surrender of your own wisdom and judgment are part of the problem, not part of the solution. When we force ourselves with edicts and rules, they backfire more quickly concerning food than just about any other subject.

Instead, you can learn to eat the just-right portions you need at each meal. You can learn with your mind to tune in to your body. You can slowly but surely become a normal eater who organically responds to their body's needs. That's how we're meant to eat.

Do you believe in your ability to learn to do this or not? Now's a good time to decide.

Today, think of ways in which you've forced and coerced yourself in the past. Did that work? Now consider the alternative. Instead of "musts," start to think in "strongly prefers" and "tolerables."

As in "I strongly prefer to lose this weight, but while I'm doing it, I'd like to be comfortable in my clothes."

And "I'd really really like to lose this weight, but not at the expense of my own judgment."

And "I'd prefer to lose the weight overnight, but I can tolerate a slow loss without food rules and deprivation. Besides, I know that's healthier for me."

Today, think about how non-dieting is an internal process, where your thoughts and beliefs reside. Decide to ditch all the forcing of any kind. Start believing in yourself.

I know an overweight woman whose doctor said "No diet for you." Good so far, huh?

Instead, in her words, "he wants me to eat less food." Less than what? Less than other people? Less than her appetite dictates? Less than she did at her last meal?

Does this guideline perplex you as much as it perplexes me? Is less endlessly better? Is no food at all the best amount?

It reminds me of the top of the old food pyramid, which is the section on sweets. It said, "use sparingly." How sparingly? Is none best? There's no evidence to prove that folks are better off with no sugar. Sugar has psychological value, cultural significance (think birthday cake) and offers quick energy. Telling people to use sparingly is a guarantee of guilt over any amount more than zero. And we definitely need fats to live!

Now, on the new food pyramid, sweets aren't even there. They get a footnote--"Choose food and beverages low in added sugar." What does that mean? I can't eat one small, perfect, sweet slice of birthday cake to satisfy my sweet tooth?

I'm not generally a throwback kind of person, but I do think there was merit to the old-style four basic food groups. One of those groups, equal in size to the others, included sweets and fats. That model emphasized balance. It validated fats and sweets. No guilt there.

But what to do about my friend's doctor saying "eat less food"? Perhaps take it to mean that over the years your portion sizes have grown without your realizing it. So take a stab at cutting them in half, or maybe cutting out a third of what you once ate. What's important is that at some point, you can declare that you're now eating the RIGHT amount for you. You don't have to keep eating less and less!

Then, when you hear on the news that Americans should be eating less food, you can remember that's a statistic, and has nothing to do with individuals. You're already eating the right amount. No guilt necessary.

My husband is 47 years old and has been a seasoned non-dieter for four years. His weight is stable and perfect for his height and age. He waits for hunger and stops when full. But when he comes home from a week-long business trip, he has gained four or five pounds. Wow. Why?

Maybe he overeats at all those restaurants? Nope. He's extra-careful. He has his own theory: When preparing his meals, I watch out for two things. He has no control over these two things when eating out on business. They are:

1. Partially hydrogenated vegetable oil (found in many prepared products)
2. White flour (He eats almost zero white flour products at home)

Mike is certain that these are the culprits. In other words, he's eating exactly the same amounts on his business trips as he does when home, but he gains a little weight because of these food ingredients. We know from the low-carb world that white flour puts on pounds due to its high glycemic index. And partially hydrogenated vegetable oil? Not sure yet, but what is known is that it contributes to high cholesterol.

Does this weight gain mean that if he were on an endless business trip, he would become obese? I doubt it. But he might have to work harder, or burn more calories by exercising.

This is certainly not a scientfic study, but I do know this--Mike's experienced at this, and is very in tune with his body's needs. He's also highly motivated to stay in shape, and has a scientific mind. That's enough to make me take note of his theory and pass it along to you.

My husband is so in touch with his body's inner book of food wisdom that it has made him crave one specific food over all others. Recently we found out that this craving could be saving his life.

It wasn't always this way, though. He was once 70 pounds overweight, and I kept putting him on various diets, to no avail. He became increasingly out of touch with his appetite. He had learned to ignore his built-in food wisdom.

Not any more. Now, after four years of normal eating, Mike is at his ideal weight, and has finely honed his sense of what foods he likes. And for those four years, he has craved apples. JonaMac, MacIntosh, Gala, Empire, but his very favorite are the Fuji apples. We have one drawer in our fridge that's just for Mike's apples. He can eat three or four in a day.

This summer we found out that apples have been proven to help prevent colon cancer. Well, lo and behold, there's colon cancer in Mike's family. Wonder of wonders. Our bodies do know what to do after all.

Today, set out to discover what you like. Do you crave desserts with fresh raspberries on them?There may be a reason. Do you love peanut butter but you avoid it due to its fat content? Figure out just how you like your peanut butter and which brand. Chase after the perfect foods for you. Get picky. You never know whether you might be saving your life.

Once you're a normal eater, all your problems in life won't be over. But here's a problem you'll be glad to have: not realizing you're hungry!

Sometimes, you'll be so busy living life, working at your job, playing with your kids, or whatever you like to do to fill time, that you'll lose track of the time. You'll start to feel irritable, but you won't know why. Fatigue will set in, maybe a headache, maybe your thinking will get fuzzy. You'll wonder, "what's wrong with me?" but you'll plow through.

Then you'll notice the clock. It's three o'clock in the afternoon. Hmmmm. Too early for dinner. But then it dawns on you--you haven't eaten lunch! So that's what's wrong with you!

Don’t let anybody make you believe that you have a disease in which food will always be too important to you, that it will always be a battle with greed. That's a lie. After a while, once you've straightened out your thinking and learned to eat delicious meals normally, food will take its rightful place.

Which means that once in a while, you won’t realize you haven’t eaten lunch. Today, be defiant. Allow yourself to consider that this is in your future.

Do you know too much?

Watch an adult or child who eats normally. They wouldn’t consider eating when they’re not hungry. They don’t overeat, regardless of how good the food is. And bingeing? What’s that? Why would anyone do that? They are so slick at normal eating!

But how did they get that way? Do they know the volumes that you know about fat grams, calories, points, carbohydrates, metabolism, glycemic index, absorption rates, how scales work, how many calories are burned by each exercise? Nope.?

Actually, most normal eaters, unless they were once disordered eaters and recovered like you are doing, don’t know that much at all. They know what they like to eat and a few basics of nutrition, and that’s it.

Are you waiting until you’ve amassed all the exact right knowledge you need to become a normal eater? Stop waiting!

The truth is that recovered normal eaters had to mostly develop their forgetteries, not their memories. They had to work to stop counting and measuring. They had to learn to enjoy butter, but to forget how much fat is in it.

Your vast knowledge, while it could possibly earn you an honorary degree in dietetics or nutrition, won’t help you eat normally.

Do you know too much? If so, it’s time to put much of that knowledge aside, and replace it with instinct, horse sense, grandmother’s wisdom, food wisdom, or whatever name you’d like to call it.

Today, visualize all the knowledge you’ve amassed over the course of your dieting life. Then picture in your mind, or draw on paper, where you’d like to put the majority of it. Maybe drop it into the ocean? Maybe bury it deep within the earth? Perhaps you’d like to burn it in a big bonfire and then have a marshmallow roast and invite all your friends.

For me, being a space freak, I’ve added it to the shuttle’s payload, and shipped it off to the asteroid belt. There, between Mars and Jupiter, my vast knowledge revolves around the sun like space junk alongside the asteroids.

After you jettison all your less-than-useful knowledge, take a few moments to grieve the time you’ve wasted learning all that. Then remember that all of life is a series of losses. But in between the losses are beautiful gains. As you learn non-dieting, you’re gaining freedom.

Yet even becoming a non-dieting guru is not good for most of you. Few of us will go on to write books. Some things in life were meant to remain simple. So for most of you, it’s probably better to learn just enough non-dieting to eat normally, and then move on to other things in your life. Develop your mind on some other, more interesting subject.

Today, think about your forgettery and put it to good use.