Diet Survivors: November 2005 Archives

On the day before Thanksgiving, I got into one of my tizzies, in which I was listing all my "musts," as in "I must do this" and "I must do that." While driving home from last minute food shopping, I heard myself say, "I must wash the floor."

This time, I noticed the "must." In the past few years I've discovered that my musts contribute to my stress. So right then and there while driving, I rephrased it to, "I'd really like to wash the floor today."

What a difference in the way I felt! Washing the floor certainly was not a must. By changing to a more true statement, "I'd really like to wash the floor," I realized how important it was to me to wash the floor. In fact, so important, that I might have chosen washing the floor over making homemade gravy. I knew that because I then spent a few minutes ranking my priorities.

So I washed the floor. But I didn't HAVE TO. My guests still would have enjoyed the pumpkin pie and fellowship, even if the floor was dirty. I could even have dimmed the lights to hide the evidence. But although I did wash the floor, my stress levels stayed low that day as I realized that much of my to do list was optional.

The result of ranking my priorities is that I got everything done that I strongly preferred to get done. In addition, I got done most of what I somewhat preferred.

Much of the work of inner change is simply about raising our own self-awareness. Why not spend a day noticing all your musts? As in:

1. I have to
2. I must
3. I've got to
4. I'll die if I don't...
5. It would be awful if I didn't...

Each time you notice one, change it to "I'd like to." You can even rank your likes:

1. It would be nice
2. I somewhat prefer
3. I would prefer to
4. I would like to
5. I would strongly prefer
6. I'd really really really like to
7. I'd be frustrated or very disappointed if I didn't

I don't agree with some extreme cognitive therapists who maintain there need be NO musts. Certainly life has some musts. Use your good judgment and wisdom to discern when to leave a must a must:

1. I must stop at this red light
2. I have to pay my taxes
3. It would be awful if I neglected my children

Musts are part of the black and white thinking that got us into food trouble to begin with. "Musts" remove our choices. Preferences give them back. Ironically, we get more done with "prefers" than "musts." So today, begin to dismantle the "must" component of your black and white thinking. See if you can replace most of your "musts" with preferences.

For related information, read But I need to be forced!

Food focus. Perhaps you've heard this expression in a negative context, as in "we are learning not to focus on food." But why?

From the beginning of time, food has been central to holidays and fellowship. Why change now? Perhaps you've unduly focused on food in the past, but why swing in the opposite direction?

If you celebrate Thanksgiving, you know that food is central. There's nothing wrong with that. So how about something in the middle this year. How about if you sometimes look up from your plate and enjoy your loved ones?

And remember that over-stuffed feeling? In our house, we called it "the glaze," as in "our eyes are glazed over." Maybe stop short of "the glaze" this year.

And when it comes to the abundance of choices, consider one of two approaches:

1. Decide to take a tiny amount of everything.

2. Decide to let some of the foods go -- you can always make or buy them yourself any time of year. There's nothing sacred about yams, for example, that you can only eat them at Thanksgiving! Take a few minutes to figure out which foods you'd really like to concentrate on.

Is food focus okay? Absolutely. As you well know, food matters dearly to people. But what you might not have considered is that it matters just as dearly to folks without food issues as it does to folks with food issues. Food has always been entrenched in all cultures, and always will be. So enjoy.

"I am more important than a computer." I repeated this statement over and over this morning, in reaction to the mistake I'd made. I had just downloaded what turned out to be spyware to my daughter's computer, and now I couldn't seem to uninstall it. I was unduly mad at myself, and feeling tempted to tear myself down with insults and bad treatment. The self-talk was like a slogan--a desperate attempt to keep my perspective in light of my frustration over the mistake I'd made.

But In-between the healthy, albeit unnatural, self-talk, I was also muttering, "How can I be so stupid?"

Recently I attended a workshop for parents on alcohol and drug abuse, where the counselor said something startling about brain development. He told us that when alcoholics finally get sober, their brain development is found to be arrested at the point at which the alcoholism began. What does this mean?

It means that our emotional and reasoning development can be interfered with if we start an addiction very young. How young? The studies show that this brain development is not complete until you're in your twenties.

There's yet another way that normal, healthy development can be arrested -- if we are raised in an environment devoid of emotional wellness and caring models, those neurons in our brains, designed to fire and blossom into new synapses, die.

Listening to this man speak, I got very excited about a sudden connection I'd made. I know that Alcoholics Anonymous is known to be the gold standard in alcohol treatment -- it has a high cure rate. Interestingly, a foundation of AA is its slogans. Slogans serve the purpose of helping us think in ways that our brain does not seem to naturally follow. Slogans, it seems, fill in where brain development stopped.

Personally, I learned young that everything and everybody was more important than me. I absorbed this mentality like a sponge, and repeated it to myself as an adult. My boyfriend's dog had more dignity and rightful place in the world than I did. And in so many other ways as well, I missed the experience of normal emotional reasoning. I now understand that part of my brain failed to grow because of this.

As a result, it's unnatural for me to keep a perspective on my mistakes, to get a grip when things go wrong. Instead, my mistakes are earth-shattering opportunities to trash myself verbally with put-downs, emotional punishment, and stress-eating. At those times, I tend to further reinforce my well-rehearsed negative self-talk.

This morning, in desperation, I had invented a slogan. I was repeating, over and over, "I am more important than a computer." To folks raised with emotional wellness, the slogan would be overkill. They naturally know it to be so, and therefore need no contrived self-talk. Perhaps they'd be disappointed about the computer mistake. Maybe they'd be frustrated that they now will have to repair it. But they do not take themselves to task for it. They seem to automatically know they are more important than a gadget. They get a grip easily.

I, on the other hand, needed to repeat a slogan this morning in order to resist trashing myself. In order to have a good day. Even in order not to stress-eat. To rise above a silly old computer.

Slogans work, but they may never feel natural. For those of you readers who have needed to resort to slogans and positive self-talk, now you know why they feel a little artificial. Maybe they always will.

But are they legitimate tools? Heck yes! Is it worth the effort? You bet.

Slogans improve the quality of your life, regardless of how broken your brain has been by stunted emotional growth or substance. If you think of overeating as a substance, it's easy to imagine that even years of overeating could arrest development.

Slogans can free you to stay self-aware, confident and creative, regardless of outside events. They can expand your range of choices in life. They empower you and keep you "centered."

And maybe you can even get a few new neurons to fire. Perhaps frequent use of slogans can remap your brain a bit in the direction of more healthy emotional reasoning.

But even if not, I'm convinced of the value of concocting a little positive self-talk now and then. Are you?

This week, find a slogan or two that you like, or make one up. Maybe find one that touches the deepest broken part of you. Consider that you might benefit from even becoming a slogan-hound for a while, juggling several slogans. Here are a few suggestions, mostly borrowed from AA and ACOA, to get you thinking:

1. Stick with the winners
2. You're only as sick as your secrets
3. Easy does it
4. First things first
5. There but for the grace of God go I
6. Let go and let God
7. Fake it til you make it
8. This too shall pass
9. Prepare yourself for luck
10. Expect miracles
11.Tto thine own self be true
12. Be part of the solution, not the problem
13. Decisions aren't forever
14. Think in shades of gray
15. I am more important than things
16. All "shoulds" are a lie
17. Act; don't react
18. Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
19. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

Feel free to share your slogan with us on the Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board if you like.

You're learning the hunger and fullness method. You know to wait for your personal hunger signals, such as a stomach growl, before chowing down. And you've found a guideline for satiety that works for you, such as sensing that you're about eighty percent full. Maybe you're just starting out, or perhaps you're catching on.

But what about when you're sick? Colds, medications, chronic pain, pregnancy, fatigue, headaches, depression, and even stress can suppress natural hunger and fullness signals or send false signals. Do you throw in the towel?

Sorry to have to break the news to you, but you're not off the hook. Recently a member of our Yahoo! Diet Survivors Group asked about this topic, and I am adapting the response here:

When you are sick is when you will most rely on your good common sense -- your inner food wisdom. If you can't determine hunger or fullness, then GUESS.

Yes I said GUESS. When it comes to hunger and fullness, your guess is better than any diet, and it's far better than somebody else's facts.

Let's say you've waited a long time, but continue to not feel hungry. Ask yourself, "Has it been a long time since I've last eaten?" "Is this right around the time I would normally be getting hungry?" "Could my hunger signals be suppressed right now?"

Now you have two choices, since you still do not feel hungry.

1. You could decide to wait further. It's possible your body wants a rest from eating.

2. You could determine, using your inner food-wisdom, that it's best to eat, perhaps a smaller meal than usual.

At this point, if you've decided it's reasonable to eat, have your meal. You've guessed.

Once you're eating, you may be confused about when to stop. It is always a little more difficult to sense fullness when you did not follow hunger signals to begin with. In addition, your sense of satiety may be suppressed along with your sense of hunger.

Now you will guess about fullness. Ask yourself, "Is this the usual amount that I eat, since I learned the hunger and fullness method?" "Do I think, in my best judgment, I should stop a little sooner than usual, due to my illness?" Alternatively, "Do I need my strength and therefore need a full meal (of my usual size)?" "Have I suddenly lost interest in my food and would I like to stop now even though I just started eating?"

Again, you will take your best guess. Don't trust yourself? Learning to trust your own good sense is essential to true, lasting recovery from food issues. At first, your guesses might feel arbitrary, but you'll be pleasantly surprised to discover that they're accurate!

Do you like Star Trek? I like Star Trek.

In one of the Star Trek movies (the famous one with the whales when they go back in time), there's a scene where Spock is rediscovering his human side while he has to calculate how far forward to go to return everybody to the right time period. Spock realizes he has to guess, which is ordinarily out of his nature.

Dr. McCoy, who is always playfully at odds with the ever-logical Spock says something profound about Spock's guesses. Here's the dialogue:

William Shatner (Kirk): Mr. Spock, have you accounted for the variable mass of whales and water in your time re-entry program?

Leonard Nimoy(Spock): Mr. Scott cannot give me exact figures, Admiral, so...I will make a guess.

William Shatner (Kirk): A guess? You, Spock? That's extraordinary!

Leonard Nimoy(Spock): I don't think he understands.

DeForest Kelley(Bones): No, Spock. He means that he feels safer about your guesses than most other people's facts.

Leonard Nimoy(Spock): Then you're saying...it is a compliment?

DeForest Kelley(Bones): It is.

Leonard Nimoy(Spock): Ah. Then I will try to make the best guess I can.
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When you are under the weather, you can simply think like Spock, and make the best guess you can. No kidding!

Forgiveness was out of reach. How could I forgive, I reasoned. That would let them off the hook. Besides, holding it against them made me feel I had some power over what happened to me.

My reticence to release my family of origin, however, frustrated me because over the years, I knew I was the one debilitated by my own thoughts of anger, revenge, hatred, resentment, defeat, frustration, and inferiority. I was told repeatedly both by experts and friends that I needed to forgive.

One day, I shouted to the heavens, "But I don't want to!!!!"

I think I'd made it clear once and for all that day. I knew in my heart that this boundary was good. It was practically the only thing I did know for sure--forgiveness would not be the path to freedom for me.

Around that time, my sister was also struggling along the same path. How, without forgiveness, does one move on? I was busy with toddlers, but my sister had a little more time for introspection. She was reading a book called "The Tribute" or "The Blessing" or something like that.

A thought occurred to each of us, separately, but simultaneously. Instead of forgiveness, which would only be stingily given and therefore not really offered at all, could we do something else? Was there a way to hold them entirely responsible for their choices (to have been something other than mature adults) and at the same time lift this heavy cloud?

Intrigued by what my sister had been reading, we both thought maybe the answer was to bless them. In Christian biblical reference there's a passage about blessing those who curse you. When you bless someone, you offer them a kindness. Would that work? A spark ignited.

Blessing instead of forgiving seemed to allow me to leave them with all their guilt. Moreover, it felt like more of a free choice. Unlike the stale notion of forgiveness, it wasn't the obligatory moral thing to do. Blessing them held great appeal. The spark turned to flame.

And so it was that, with our boundaries and dignity intact, Sis and I searched for how to bless them while honoring ourselves.

Sis came up with a a one-page letter of all the things they did right. She flailed about to find good memories, but she eventually filled the page. Then she printed it on pretty paper, and framed it.

I felt more strapped for time than my sister, and more critically, low on emotional reserves. The responsibility of caring for young children was taking the best out of me. But I managed to come up with a saying to print in large letters on my printer, on pretty paper. Then, inspired by my sister, I framed it.

I had taken a passage from the Old Testament of the Christian bible, from the book of Proverbs, and substituted "her" with "their."

My framed saying read, "And their children shall rise up and call them blessed."

It was perfect. Sis then arranged a dinner out for all of us, including our spouses and children. After dinner, we presented those who hurt us with the two wrapped frames.

They cried.

It wasn't easy to say these things to them, but it felt right, and it felt freeing. We had said nothing untrue. My sister's tribute was filled with all the good memories she could scrape up, while my biblical passage, "And their children shall rise up and call them blessed" really meant that their children will bless them. Literally! Right there in the restaurant.

In the days following, I noticed that my daily, obsessive, one-way mental conversations with them (usually while I was showering) went away. Over the months, I lost my anger edge, and found some peace. Their continued denial became amusing. I began a journey to find me.

That was about ten years ago. I've since been free to raise my own kids as my wisdom has dictated - nothing more, nothing less. I have not needed to react to my own childhood, either by copying it or rebelling against it.

In addition, I've been able to forge the best grandparent relationship possible for my children. I'm more contented and self-fulfilled. I am emotionally well. So are my kids.

There's one more thing. About a year after the blessing, I began to wonder whether what I'd actually done, unwittingly, was to forgive. I decided that although perhaps I did, it doesn't seem to matter now. I think maybe I've done something better.

I had set out to withhold forgiveness. Offering a kindness instead of forgiveness was a self-serving act that kept me feeling in control. And in so doing, they received peace in their golden years--not because they earned it, but because they didn't. I had set us all free. I'd like the same done for me.

Geneen Roth, Karen R. Koenig, Gwen Shamblin, Jane R. Hirschmann. What do these authors have in common? They all offer an alternative to dieting. Whether you call it "non-dieting" or "normal eating," it's all about the hunger and fullness method of achieving one's proper weight. What is the hunger and fullness method?

A far cry from the notion of good and evil foods, the hunger and fullness method levels the playing field for all foods. A cousin of portion control, it is touted as the more natural way to eat -- the way we were meant to eat, if there is such a thing.

It turns out that the hunger and fullness method does, indeed, lead the dysfunctional eater to normal eating and a right weight. So let's flesh out what it means to follow the hunger and fullness method. When you follow this method, here is what you do:

1. Set out on an adventure of learning your own personal hunger signals. For many folks it's a stomach growl. For others it could be a little heartburn or even the start of a headache. For still others it's the thought of food beginning to loom over other thoughts.

2. Each time you intuit that you're probably hungry, based on your personal hunger signals, you do your best to work with the reality of work schedules and find yourself a meal. You might then have to wait a little longer, or you might discover it's best to eat a small snack to hold you over until you can have your meal.

3. When you do have the chance to eat, you choose a balance of carbohydrate, fats, protein, fruits or vegetables, and maybe a little dessert. You do your best under imperfect circumstances to find foods you like. You eyeball your portions and take your best guess about the amount. You might put a little more on your plate than you will probably eat. You try to stick with whole grains and complex carbohydrates, which help you feel more satisfied than white flour products do.

4. You eat only what you find delicious. You focus in a little on which food you'd like to bite into first, then second. You eat the best bites first, and leave the burnt, soggy, or tasteless bites on your plate. You discover your style. Maybe your style is to eat mostly the fries first and then the burger. Or maybe you like to rotate bites. You don't eat anything you don't like.

5. You try, within your work schedule, to eat slowly. But even ten minutes is enough to chew slowly, stop and have a few sips of your drink, and even make a little conversation in between bites.

6. You set out on yet another adventure to learn your fullness signals. For many people. fullness is not really a stomach feeling. Generally if we feel full in our stomachs, we've overeaten. That's why in my book I call it satiety instead of fullness. You try to tune in to a feeling that your blood sugar levels are becoming restored. As you take each bite, you can notice if your energy levels are increasing, or you're losing your intense interest in food.

7. Each time you're nearing the end of your meal, you take your best guess as to when you are satisfied. In Okinawa, Japan, where it's common to live to a hundred years old, they have a special word for this--"Hari Hachi Bu." The Japanese translation is "Eat until you're eighty percent full." It may sound overly scientific, but you will be pleasantly surprised to discover that your best guess at your eighty percent mark, over time, will be accurate. And you can be sure that the Okinawans do not weigh, measure or count anything regarding their food.

8. After your meal is over, you can go about your life, and do not have to think about food again (other than any meal preparation you do for yourself or your family) until the next time you're hungry.

Using this method, no food is off-limits. How can this be, you might ask? After all, what if I eat plum pudding all day? Well, remember, the idea is to eat your three squares a day, and follow the basic four food groups to achieve a balance of food types in each meal. Think about it -- it's the way our great-grandparents ate. They didn't drink skim milk or own a ski machine. They weren't afraid of butter or sugar. Yet that generation didn't have the obesity problem that we have today.

To achieve weight-loss success, many folks also need to address their emotional eating. That can be done with a little cognitive therapy. Read about emotional eating.

Learn more about cognitive therapy. Read about normal eating and non-dieting.

Everyone is different. Everyone's normal eating is different. So it stands to reason that everyone's normal exercise is different. There is no one "normal."

So how do we discuss normal exercise if "normal" is different for each person? The same way we discuss normal eating -- we look at the reasons for what we do, rather than construct a new set of rules. Let's suggest a few reasonable attitudes right up front.

Exercise means many things, and no one has the right to judge the amount of exercise you are getting or your reason for it. Nor do they have the right to judge you if you do not exercise. Moreover, it's impossible to determine from the outside whether another person's exercise is normal or dysfunctional, because it's not about amount or how hard you work.

That said, let's look at the distinction between free exercise and compulsive exercise. This is a more useful discussion than "normal" vs. "not normal" because those who exercise compulsively eventually come to hate their exercise. Isn't that a sufficient measure of normalcy?

Compulsive exercise controls you, rather than you being in charge. It brings misery, and a loss of priorities. Sounds a lot like a diet, doesn't it? What causes compulsive exercise?

It starts innocently enough. You're at one of your diet meetings, and they tell you how many calories you can burn per fifteen minutes of working out. Or how many extra points of food you get to eat.

So the thought of extra calories is incentive enough to get started. It's insidious, though. If you're dieting, all you want is more food. Eventually you realize you need to expand your routine -- right now you don't get to add much more than a single cookie to your plate. You become greedy for ever-increasing portions, which you must earn by ever-increasing exercise.

So you work out harder, fueled by your mental counter that's counting up your calories -- you plan to reward yourself at the end for a job well done. But what you don't notice is that you don't particularly like this form of exercise. Or perhaps you do at first, but over time it becomes your enemy.

Then one day, you have the flu. You just feel too sluggish to exercise. You panic, because this means you have to eat less food. Heaven forbid! So you force yourself to exercise anyway.

Then another time your mom who lives by herself asks for some company, but you blow her off because it's exercise time. You see where this is going? Now the exercise is in charge.

When we exercise for the purpose of losing weight or burning calories or earning points, it eventually backfires, or worse, we need ever-increasing amounts of it, and the next thing we know, we're training for a marathon and lose sight of other priorities. Or we're in a vicious cycle of exercising to burn off a binge. After burning off the binge, we return to our greed, thus needing yet another bout of extreme exercise, and it goes on and on.

But when we exercise for fun, it's just fun. It's optional. It's like eating when we're hungry. It makes sense. It's not to burn off a binge. It's not to save calories or earn extra food. Exercise feels powerful, and offers a feeling of well-being.

And there's even an in-between, too. Maybe your exercise is not your idea of a good time, but you're doing it for your health. Just knowing that it's good for you is reward enough, even if it's not a thrill. But if you hate it, it's time to look a little closer at your reasons.

So what causes normal exercise to turn into compulsive exercise? It seems to be when it gets too mixed up with eating and dieting.

Just check yourself--is your exercise for health? Great! is your exercise for fun? Terrific! Is your exercise for weight-loss? Okay but be careful here. It's a nice addition to learning normal eating, but can come back to bite you if it's to counteract overeating, or save calories, or to earn points. Mostly, losing weight is about learning hunger and fullness.

Can you even train for that marathon and be a normal exerciser? Yes, if it makes you happy, and your schedule is free and clear for the amount of time required. If it's not controlling you, go for it!

Only you know if your exercise is in charge of you, or you are in charge of your exercise. Today, reflect on the place exercise holds in your life. Is it healthy or is it dysfunctional? And consider this: a study was reported during the summer of 2005 which shows that folks who hate their exercise exhibit higher levels of stress hormones than folks who don't exercise at all. These exercise die-hards are actually damaging their health.

Have you ever thought about your future? I mean have you ever imagined yourself someday quitting all your diet support? Successful athletes envision their goal. They insist that imagination boosts success.

Did you know it's possible to declare yourself recovered from your food issues? It's true. Once you do a few things, you'll be a normal eater:

1. Get in the habit of eating normally
2. Reduce the stress eating so that once you start, you can quickly stop yourself
3. Get used to the idea that all of life, especially social relationships, are stressful and awkward. You don't have to chase it away or numb it -- it's just there
4. Change your distorted thinking from your dieting days
5. Get in the habit of catching yourself when you're thinking too "black and white"
6. Decide you're okay the way you are, and you'll be equally acceptable if you lose weight

You might be so used to having food issues that it's hard to imagine not having them anymore. But you know people who don't have food issues, who don't diet, who don't belong to any kind of support group. If they can do it, you can do it.

In a little while, when you know the time is right, you, too, will move on. You will know when you can declare yourself a normal eater.

But not needing food issues support anymore will require one of the biggest shifts of all in your thinking. It's hard to believe, and it might even feel wrong to imagine yourself as a normal eater. So start meditating on it now, so that you can warm up to the idea, like a crockpot warming up to a succulent chicken.

It is my vision that Diet Survivors can be your exit door. I don't want you dependent upon me or the board. I'm not trying to build an empire here. Instead, I want to give you wings.

I'm hoping that this is your last stop. Depending upon your struggles, it may take a few weeks, or a few months or, in some cases, a few years. But we're here to show you your own wisdom and get you on the right track so that you can leave us.

Can you envision the day you realize you don't need to be here anymore? Striving to be normal is not, by the way, grandiose. Start imagining it now. And when that day comes, would you consider saying good-bye before you leave? I love to hear about exits.

Learn more about cognitive therapy. Read about normal eating and non-dieting.

Do you have a bit of grandiosity in your character? Well that's okay, unless it brings you misery. What do I mean by grandiosity?

Delusions of grandeur. Of being something you're not. We should be beautiful! Successful, thin, perfect, successful, forever young!

Well how about plain old happy?

Have you ever met a person who is not pretty on the outside, maybe with a humble job, maybe overweight, who was just plain happy? I have.

While in college I worked as a chambermaid in a local motel. Humble indeed. One of the career maids there is best described as a contented person. She was in her forties, had never done anything else but her present job, had never gone to college.

She was not pretty, not thin. She was happily married with two teenagers, and expressed one day, out of the blue, that she was "interested in having more children." Her biggest concern for her teenage daughter, Amy, was that Amy lacked self-esteem. Amy was down on her own looks. It almost seemed difficult for this mom to understand. Clearly these were outside cultural forces bringing Amy down--not her mom. The mom had no such problem.

Do you want that kind of contentment?

Then stop working on yourself! These blogs and the Yahoo! Diet Survivors group are about undoing more than they are about doing. They're about unlearning more than they are about learning.

They are about letting ourselves be our imperfect selves.

The compulsive overeating comes from overachieving, not a lack thereof! It comes from pressuring ourselves to be something we're not. Perfectionism comes with a high price.

Who is your essential self? Ask yourself that today and decide -- do you accept yourself -- or not? Make up your mind! Is your grandiosity getting in the way of your own contentedness?

Learn more about cognitive therapy. Read about normal eating and non-dieting.