Diet Survivors: June 2006 Archives

1. "I'm afraid if I stop dieting, I'll lose all my remaining self-control."
2. "I'm afraid if I become a stay-at-home-mom, I'll lose my structure, and just eat all day."
3. "I'm afraid if I don't take that Tylenol now, I'll forget by the time I get downstairs."
4. "I don't give my kids too much because I'm afraid they'll be spoiled, unhappy adults."

We have many fearful reasons why we do what we do, and just as many reasons for why we don't do something. But what would happen if we removed "I'm afraid" from our vocabulary for a day?

I did just this. About five years ago, using some cognitive therapy, I became aware of the limitation of untested fears. I also noticed that many religious sects are in line with this idea that fear is often not a great reason for a decision.

I decided to replace words like "afraid" and "scared" with words about thinking rather than feeling. Surprisingly, the exercise didn't seem at all like censorship. Rather, it was liberating. By replacing fear with a thought, I got underneath the feeling to my beliefs and thoughts. I discovered that sometimes my beliefs were faulty. But other times I discovered that I had a good theory which should influence my decision. I discovered risk-reward decisions.

I learned to test my scientific theories. Here are the above four examples of common fears, rephrased as theories:

1. I think that if I stop dieting, I'll gain weight. I believe that's because my dieting is the only reason why I haven't gained more weight. However, that may or may not be true. I guess it's possible that without the dieting, I'll do just as well or better, but there's a risk involved in testing this new theory. Since I'm fed up with my diet struggles, I think I'll consider it may be time to take that risk. I'll proceed with caution, but at least now I know I may be incorrect about any benefits of dieting. If I do find I'm gaining weight, I can rethink this.

2. I imagine that if I stop working, I'll be bored or stressed, or feel less valuable, which could lead me to overeating. But maybe that's not true. It's hard to know, so it's really only an untested theory. I really do prefer the idea of becoming a stay-at-home-mom, so I think I'll proceed. I'll just stay self-aware of what I'm thinking and doing. Since I strongly prefer this change, I'm willing to test this theory.

3. I might wake up my husband if I make a racket in our bathroom, getting the Tylenol open and running the water. But I'm thinking that that if I don't take it now, I'll forget by the time I get downstairs or I'll get busy. Then I'll have a headache all morning.. I'd prefer to take the Tylenol right now; however, I'll feel bad about it if I wake him up. So I'll go downstairs right now and go immediately to the cabinet to get the Tylenol into my hands. I'm doing this because it's a wise choice, not because I'm afraid of something.

4. I've heard of many kids turning into spoiled, selfish adults. They marry and divorce; they spend money irresponsibly; they never really grow up at all. They expect the world on a silver platter, and make everybody miserable in the process. On the other hand, I strongly prefer to give my kids a lot, because it makes me happy to do so. So, yes, I'm taking a risk. However, if I talk to them about their current standard of living vs. their possibly lower standard of living as adults, they can understand that. So that's what I'll do. This way, we'll be setting proper expectations.

It's easier than it looks. All it takes is catching yourself saying "I'm afraid" either out loud, or in your quiet self-talk. In my case, I discovered I utter those words dozens of times every day. Once you stop yourself in mid-sentence, just replace your fear with whatever you're really thinking.

Sometimes it's smart to be fearful, and other times it's irrational. But either way, it's better to think through the risk-reward ratio. Become a bit of a scientist. Turn your fears into theories, and decide how strongly you'd prefer to test them. It's all up to you. You don't have to follow through just because you identified a fear. Some fears are grounded in reality, and you might decide you'd rather not even test that theory.

My one-day experiment spilled over into several days, then weeks, then months. Now it's five years later, and it's quite rare for anyone to hear me say "I'm afraid that..."

In those five years, I recovered from my food issues, wrote a book, started the Diet Survivors newsletter, message board and meditations, became a published freelance writer, improved my marriage, became a better mother, and learned to advocate for my kids at school. All from eliminating "I'm afraid that..."

No kidding. Turn your fears into decisions about how to proceed, based on risk assessment.

"Everything worth doing starts with being scared." -- Art Garfunkel