Diet Survivors: February 2007 Archives
Why is it that in a room full of people, we compare ourselves to the most beautiful one there? When we're at the pool, we pick out the one with the perfect figure, thinking "I'm supposed to look like that, but I don't."
Such grandiosity! In twelve-step rooms such as Alcoholics Anonymous, members are warned to be on the lookout for their own grandiosity. Twelve steppers understand that this frustrated self-aggrandizement feeds into their addictions.
Grandiosity really is a form of self-centeredness in which we believe we're supposed to be superior to others. For those of us with accompanying low self-esteem, it's the belief that we need to be superior to others just so we can measure up.
When we consider grandiosity in the context of dieting and overeating, we realize that grandiosity is especially toxic. Why? Because it's about looking perfect, which nearly nobody does. In our minds, looking perfect is about not eating. Not eating is unhealthy and extreme. We vacillate and can never win.
In addition, this kind of grandiosity sets us apart from others, weakening our ability to use group support to help us recover. We continue to think of ourselves as different, as some kind of exception--that we alone, must return to looking beautiful. How can we recover that way?
Does grandiosity set you up for failure? Why not start seeing yourself as a regular person with regular problems and a flawed figure, just like most of the rest of the world? Sobering, isn't it? And freeing.
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I was one of those people, just like on the commercial, that said, "I could have had a V-8." Every so often, maybe not more than once a year, I'd have a V-8. I really liked it, and I liked the idea of it, and I'd say "I'm going to drink this more often." 
Then I'd go to the store and buy a six pack of those little cans, and they'd sit in the fridge until I threw them out. I've been doing this for years and years.
Recently I heard a news report about how juice in particular can curb the onset of Alzheimer's Disease. They even mentioned V-8. Once again, I hit myself upside the head, and said "I could have been drinking V-8."
I told my husband about it, and he surprised me with the news that he loves V-8. Go figure! Why didn't he drink what I had bought? What is it with this V-8?
So we decided together that we will drink V-8. After all, we do like it, right? This time, instead of those little cans, I thought I'd buy one of those big plastic jars, because we were so committed this time.
And it worked. We're drinking V-8 a few times a week, rather than a few times a decade.
What has made the difference between then and now?
I'll bet you think I'm going to wax eloquent about motivation, determination, or commitment. But I'm not. It suddenly hit me one day, just as I sometimes hit myself upside the head--the difference is the bottle. The V-8 tastes better from the bottle than the can. That V-8 I always thought I liked had an aftertaste. But from the bottle, it has no aftertaste.
What's my point? Everything matters. Presentation, color, even whether it's packaged in a bottle or a can. Pay attention. Your body is finely tuned. It knows what it needs.
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Are you still struggling to throw out food from your plate? If so, then you're probably not shopping right either.
What do I mean by shopping right? Certainly there's no one right way to grocery shop. True. But if what's in your fridge isn't appealing because you hate to waste, then are you really eating the way you want to be? Stock up your fridge with good food!
Maybe it's time to buy a fresh bag of onions. But you don't drop some fresh ones in your cart because you still have some onions left. You somehow know those onions at home are old, but you hate to waste. In fact, those onions at home are mushy, smelly, and growing tops. Buy that new bag of onions, and toss out the old ones when you get home.
Do you keep potatoes in the house? Same thing. If it's time for a fresh bag of potatoes, then it's time. Buy some beautiful new Yukon gold, and toss out the ones at home that are growing eyes.
How about that bread. Not moldy, but the crust is a bit stale? Bury it in the bottom of the trash bin where you can't see it. If you forget to to do so before shopping, buy fresh bread anyway. When you get home, toss the old bread, or take it to your local pond and feed the ducks.
Here's another idea. Two bags of leeks in your fridge? One is old and one is new? Stop the mentality of "I must use them in order of freshness." Instead, use the lovely one, and toss out the old one.
What about those leftovers your froze? Do they have freezer burn? Do you keep telling yourself someday you'll thaw out that spaghetti sauce? Throw it out. It's not what you really want, and if you leave it there, you'll just go for the chocolate cake instead. It's time to tell food not to make you feel guilty any more.
Food use is a very approximate thing. Think of your kitchen as not unlike a restaurant kitchen. Have you ever seen the waste in a restaurant? But you can do even better than a restaurant, because you can freeze leftovers. Just don't leave them in the freezer too long.
If you keep fresh wholesome scrumptious food in the house, you'll be more likely to cook and eat it, right? When you cook your own food, you can control the ingredients. That means you can eat plenty of tasty meals because you know exactly what you and your family like to eat.
You'll save money in the long run, because cooking and eating will stay enticing, dulling the lure of "Oh let's just go eat out." Home is a great place to experiment and discover your tastes in food. But treat yourself well. Eat only the best. Throw out the rest. Shop often.
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"Don't eat now. You'll spoil your appetite for dinner." Do you remember these words, perhaps from childhood? What does it mean to spoil your appetite? 
I did a little web research, and other than a grandmotherly thing to say, the phrase has no real meaning.
But what does it mean to grandma or mom? Almost always said by the cook, or someone whose best interest is to defend the cook, spoiling your appetite seems to be mainly about allowing yourself to remain ravenously hungry so that the amount you eat of the cook's meal will be satisfying to him or her. The cook must feel complimented!
Is it good to get so ravenously hungry? No, according to the Harvard School of Public Health. In fact, they advise the opposite: "Spoil your appetite. Having a snack or appetizer before a meal can dull your hunger and help you eat less at the meal."
Now let's examine the phrase from the point of view of sheer logic and reason. Is it a good idea to eat a Snicker's bar or pecan pie twenty minutes before a sumptuous dinner? No, of course not. Consuming a lot of sugary calories really will fill you up on foods that are less preferable, when you would have been just as happy or more so to have a balanced dinner.
Then what does the Harvard School of Public Health mean? As you probably know, you sometimes get a little too hungry, which can make it difficult to eat with control, especially if you're new at normal eating.
Why beat yourself up over this tendency? Instead, have a little piece of cheese or something with protein, just to take the edge off the hunger a bit, but don't eat so much that you won't enjoy your meal. Remember that hunger heightens your sense of taste, and meals are meant to be enjoyed to the fullest. Just take the edge off the starvation first.
It's a balancing act, then. So you had an early lunch at work, and now you have to wait until 7:30 for a big dinner date? Why make yourself miserable? You don't have to eat a whole meal in-between, and you don't have to starve yourself, either. Have a hard boiled egg. You'd be amazed at how well it satisfies, and holds you for a few more hours. Then, by the time 7:30 rolls around, you'll be plenty hungry, and will enjoy your meal to the fullest.
But don't forget to enjoy the company, too.
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A friend of mine named Sarah tried intuitive eating, after years of frustration with low-fat diets. Her down fall had been night eating, which she blamed on her lack of self-control. She would do fine all day long, then after dinner, was tempted by her children's high-fat cookies and snacks.
So she declared that from this day forward, she would eat smaller portions, and she would wait for hunger and fullness.
But...she added one other thing. She kept up the low-fat. Her reasoning? "I'll lose the weight even faster. After all, fats do make you fat. And after all, if I eat less fat, that means I'm eating fewer calories, right?"
She had missed the point, but she was determined that low-fat eating still made sense.
For months she sought hunger and fullness. For months, she stuck by her low-fat regimen so she would "lose the weight faster."
For months, Sarah didn't lose any weight. Why? Her stubborn night eating had worsened. She finally complained to me that this "method" doesn't work.
When I reminded her that no food was off-limits, she tried ditching the low-fat, but the range of choices was suddenly unlimited. "How do I know what I buy? There are no more guidelines. I need to have restrictions!" Sarah gave up in less than a week, and returned to her low-fat diet.
What happened here?
1.The faulty assumption that lowering her fat intake would somehow benefit her.
Granted, lowering your saturated fats would be a healthy choice, but that's not related to normal eating or weight loss. Normal eaters who make healthy choices allow themselves ample unsaturated fats and foods with health-giving fats such as fish and nuts.
2. Failure to understand the cause of her night eating.
The problem was that she deprived herself all day of maximum taste from fats (fats house the flavor of food). Then, when night time came, of course she'd be tempted, both because she's looking for the satisfaction of some flavor, and because her body really wants more fats. Sadly, her body ends up getting the unhealthiest kind. And worse yet, she tells herself she must redouble her efforts to resist temptation.
3. Difficulty in transitioning from buying low-fat to buying delicious.
She did not realize that her food choices didn't have to be overwhelming. All she had to do was pass by all the less than tasty foods. Sarah needs to tune in to her appetite. She needs to home in on what she actually loves to eat. She doesn't even know where to start.
Does Sarah sound like you?
These problems can seem hard to solve because they require a change in thinking and beliefs, not just a technical change of seeking hunger & fullness. That is why fed-up dieters need to re-talk their self-talk. They've bought so many lies, established so many habits.
Now they face undoing it all.
If you're struggling with finding your food wisdom, you may need to replace a tape or two in your head that's still running over and over and over. One tape might be "fats make you fat."
Replace it today with "Fats are delicious. They satisfy."
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Diana Fay of Massachusetts writes,"I finally saw your 'This is Me' video this morning. Thank you. Your words created a shift in my thinking/feeling (can't tell which, maybe both).
"[You suggested in the video] 'I would like to lose more weight but if I don't I can tolerate that.' Somehow that statement moved the BIG DEAL of my weight into the background a bit. Felt real good."
What is this BIG DEAL about the weight? All of us are talking at the surface about our hunger and fullness signals, but underneath it all, many of you want the weight loss so badly that you'd do just about anything to get it.
Of course you do. You want to walk so your legs don't bleed from chafing against each other. You want to keep up with your toddler without running out of breath. You may be unhealthy. You might even be risking a heart attack and death. And you'd like to look better too. Who could argue with you? You're entitled to these things.
Nobody is saying you can't have them. But for some of you, the weight loss is so big that it's really your only goal. You couldn't care less about intuitive eating, except that it promises to lead you to weight loss.
If I told you today that you could lose that weight permanently by drinking motor oil, would you do it? Would you jump at the chance to continue obsessing about food--bingeing, purging, getting depressed, but be thin? If the answer is "yes," then the BIG DEAL about the weight is TOO BIG. Unfortunately, your efforts are likley to backfire.
In fact, for many of you, the BIG DEAL about the weight looms so large that it is anxiety-producing. The prospect of losing weight vs. not losing weight is too high stakes.
And you know what anxiety leads to. Stress, panic, binge eating, overeating, soothing yourself.
You strongly prefer to lose the weight. That's good. You know yourself, and you know what you want. So how does one set aside the BIG DEAL of the weight just enough to think clearly? Two thoughts:
1. Learn to say "this is me now." You'll still want to lose the weight, but this self-talk will drive the adrenaline away.
2. Cultivate a desire to eat normally for its own sake. Eat intuitively again and again, simply because it feels great. It feels right. It's a kindness to your body. There's joy in it every day.
As Diana has done, can you move the BIG DEAL of the weight into the background just enough that it creates a shift in your thinking and feeling? That doesn't mean your desire will disappear, only that you'll tame it like a wild lion. Put it in its cage.
Thank you, Diana, for your permission to quote you.
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This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free
Diet Survivors newsletter.
Find out more about Linda Moran's book, How to Survive Your Diet.
Do you dislike your body? That could be the reason why your weight loss efforts never seem to stick. Self-rejection leads to panic. Panic leads to bingeing and compulsive behaviors such as unhealthy, extreme dieting. 
Do you know the rock and roll song called "This Is Us"? The band sounds like Dire Straits, but I'm not sure. In any case, it's all about looking at photographs of "us" as a couple and saying "this is us."
Have you tried saying "this is me"? Accepting yourself just as you are may be the key to unlock your intuitive eating efforts. The panic will subside because the urgency is gone. Perhaps only then can you relax and find your intuition.
Join others who, just like you, would like to say "This is Me." We're on the Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board. See you in cyberspace!
Watch the video meditation on this topic: This is Me
Check out the free Diet Survivors newsletter
This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free
Diet Survivors newsletter.
Find out more about Linda Moran's book, How to Survive Your Diet.
