Recently in Positive self-talk Category

You're in the middle of a construction project, and find you must return to the store because they sold you the wrong part. Do you stay gracious and request an exchange? Or do you go storming back into the store, ready to throw a fit?

Or maybe your relatives have been driving you crazy, and you want to do something about it. All of us struggle to some degree with when to make a stink and when to let something go.

If you're ready for a new way to think about the difference, maybe this will help--try distinguishing between frustration and injustice.

Life is full of frustration, and because we're social creatures, many of those frustrations come from co-existing with other people. When you're getting upset, ask yourself whether the source is just a frustration, or a true injustice.

Suppose you gave a large donation to a charity, and then they misspelled your name in the credits. That would be a frustration over human error. You might initially be offended, but you can set that aside when you realize there was no ill intent and no ill effect. If you let this go, and refrain from commenting on it, you won't likely harbor resentment and you won't be participating in enabling bad behavior.

Or, in the same vein, suppose you and your small children just moved to a new neighborhood, and then your next-door-neighbor starts building a pool. Even with the fence, you're a new parent, and you're nervous.

It's very frustrating, but as long as your neighbor is complying with the law, this is not an injustice. It's up to you whether you decide to quietly move away. Or perhaps you can gradually help your neighbor get to know and become attached to your children, in the hopes that this will prompt your neighbor to help look out for your kids.

None of these examples were necessarily injustices, but they sure can be frustrating.

Everyone has frustrations--they're just part of life. When you let them go, you can find some peace in knowing you are already doing all that is appropriate. You laugh at the misspelling, and you make sure your kids are fenced into your own yard, and that you're watching them closely.

But what if you think you have been passed over for a promotion because of your race? Or perhaps a loved one is injured by a drunk driver.

People sure can be frustrating, and we don't always agree with their beliefs or lifestyle, but there's another component here--these events are also injustices.

Sometimes a frustration is tugging at you because it's really an injustice. With some thought-time, if you realize there's a true injustice, then pursue it. But even then, there's more than one way to correct an injustice.

Case in point. My disabled son brings many frustrations to my life, and one of those happened when he got off the bus from his field trip and his glasses were gone. They were nowhere to be found. Apparently, his aide, who is supposed to watch out for him, was not with him for part of the day. The school was all too happy to let it go.

This frustration was bugging me, and I started to realize it's an injustice that the school isn't doing anything about it. So I decided it was worth it to me to contact the Director of Special Education. She pursued it as far as she could--the bus company was contacted and the site of the field trip was searched, but in the end the business office still did not offer to compensate us in any way.

Rather than pursue it further, as I'm rather busy doing better things, I decided a different way to correct the injustice--one that I have control over--one that would allow me to let go of my resentment. I stopped my charitable giving to the school. I ceased all giving until I felt that the expense was made up.

No anger. I felt in control again. Problem easily solved. Yes it's true that I didn't solve the problem for anyone else, but in this case, I'm satisfied with how far I've taken it. And now the special ed office is on the alert that my son did not have his aide with him when he should have been. The department can quietly correct that problem without me.

If you've had difficulty knowing when to pipe up, try testing the issue with this sharp division between frustration and injustice. You might be surprised to find that most of the time, it's just a plain old frustration.

And remember, frustration, and even occasional injustices, are part of life. You can tolerate them. You can even do something about them sometimes. But you don't have to eat in response to the feelings!

In the one case, if you realize it's just a frustration, you can remind yourself that all of life has frustrations and that you can tolerate them. The feelings will thus fade on their own, without your having to do something to chase them away.

On the other hand, if you determine that there was an injustice, instead of eating those feelings, you can decide upon a constructive act that will allow you to feel better. Either way, you won't need to eat in order to numb those ugly feelings.

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I can't help laughing at myself sometimes. It's the best medicine, as they say, and hopefully it will cure what ails me (eventually).

While it's true I've discovered normal eating, that doesn't make me normal. In fact, from day to day I still struggle with self-acceptance. And I don't mean of the "I don't like myself today" variety. It's way more extreme. It rears its ugly head especially when I'm tired.

To measure up, I gotta compare myself with the worst criminals ever living. That's why I read true crime before falling asleep. Right now, I'm reading every book ever written about the Green River Killer, the serial killer disguised as a nice guy that took the lives of over 40 women before he got caught.

I've read so much about him that I've learned some intimate details of his life, and even have grown to like the guy, in a twisted kind of way.

Which brings us back around to normal eating. The Green River Killer, it turns out, was a normal eater. (Well, I suppose he still is now that he's behind bars.)

He used to say such mundane and level-headed things as "I've had enough food for today." And that was that. He'd stop eating for the day, even if his gentle wife would offer him a delectable slice of cheesecake. As a result, he stays slim and trim.

There's really no point to this entry, except to say let's ditch the idea that we have to "achieve" some kind of wellness before we can eat normally. How about do what the Green River Killer did (I don't mean the killing.) I mean, say, "I've had enough food for today."

And know forever that you don't have to be right in the head in order to learn normal eating. What a relief, huh? Not one of us is entirely right in the head anyway.

I hope my readers can take this in the right light. I never mean to make light of a killer. But sometimes we just gotta laugh at ourselves, and I'm sure some of my readers can identify.

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Click on the book cover for more information

Normal Eating solutions: (You'll see after clicking how to subscribe to them)

Diet Survivors meditations

Diet Survivors message board

Food and Feelings message board

Find out more about Linda Moran's book, How to Survive Your Diet.

Visit the home of the book, The Rules of Normal Eating

Learn more about normal eating at Eat Normal Now

A Diet Survivors message board member asks, "Can I suggest a great book to follow up How to Survive Your Diet? Geneen Roth's book When You Eat at The Refrigerator Pull Up a Chair."

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I haven't read this book, but I hear it's a great book, and I love the title. Besides self-loving, the title is also humorous.

I don't know if many of you realize this, but humor is an effective part of learning normal eating, and learning so many other things too. Laughing at yourself will actually take you through the process faster.

Some folks come into adulthood and beyond, never really learning to laugh at themselves or finding humor in things, but I've observed that people seem to be able to learn this at any age.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but sometimes in the name of self-loving, we erroneously refrain from goofing on our own frailties. But the truth is that when we are secure and confident, we are also secure and confident about our foibles and weaknesses. I goof on mine all the time. I have so many!

It's interesting to me that Karen R. Koenig, my favorite normal eating guru, is the same way. We even call ourselves "stupid" from time to time. It's fun.

Has anyone here noticed that when you embrace normal eating, you find out that some things you learned are turned on their heads? Conventional wisdom turns out to be wrong on so many fronts, including humor.
We discover we were misled.

Gwen Shamblin, author of the Christian book The Weigh Down Diet, calls this phenomenon "opposite world."

Think a little bit opposite today. Try and see what it's like to lovingly goof on yourself. Let yourself laugh hard. You'll find your way out of your eating dysfunction faster. No kidding.

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Normal Eating solutions: (You'll see after clicking how to subscribe to them)

Normal Eating blog

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Find out more about Linda Moran's book,
How to Survive Your Diet.

Visit the home of the book, The Rules of Normal Eating

Learn more about normal eating at Eat Normal Now

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate! This blog entry, unlike most others of mine, is actually an advertisement. But read on. It's an interesting deal just for buying one book.

On Thursday, November 29, 2007, there will be a compelling offer on Amazon.com. (That's exactly a week from Thanksgiving).

On that day, purchase Dr. Michael R. Edelstein's book, "Three Minute Therapy" at Amazon.com for $14.93, and you will receive materials on the web valued at more than $700.00. Click the book image below for more information.

The e-materials you receive are provided by authors and experts with an interest in Dr. Edelstein and the field of cognitive therapy. That will include a freebie from yours truly.

In addition, you'll even receive, for those who are game, a ten minute session with the best-selling author, Dr. Michael Edelstein, by telephone, an appointment set up just for you and you alone.

If you're on one of my message boards, or have read my book, you know the value of "Three Minute Therapy." It is my belief that the simple kind of self-therapy explained in his book is worth gold to folks trying to ditch the diet mentality. Why? Because ditching the diet is like leaving a cult. You have some work to do in your thinking, and Edelstein shows you how.

Dr. Edelstein writes, "If you take the trouble to learn the techniques explained in this book, think about them, and apply them to your own problems, you'll be able to tackle difficulties that may have so far seemed unmanageable. Some of your worst fears and anxieties will diminish or dissolve away, and you will become more effective at pursuing your chosen goals in life."

Dr. Edelstein lectures nationally and internationally, appears on radio, television, newspapers, and the internet, and is published in numerous psychological journals. He also writes the advice column, "Ask Dr. Mike."

Dr. Edelstein has served as a Training Supervisor and Fellow of the Albert Ellis Institute. He is on the Board of Advisors of the National Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists, which honored him with the "Author of the Year" award for his book, "Three Minute Therapy."

Best-Selling Author Dr. Martin Blinder, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Past Adjunct Professor of Law, University of California, San Francisco says:

"With a series of incisive insights Michael Edelstein cuts through the psychological jargon and makes clear how all of us can effect powerful changes in our psyches, in our lives, and in the lives of our loved ones."

Here's the link so you can see the book, but remember, you get the free e-materials and the free phone consultation only if you make your purchase of Dr. Edelstein's book on November 29!

Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life

Would you like a personal reminder the night before the event? Join either of my Yahoo! message boards:

Diet Survivors message board

Food and Feelings message board

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Click on the book cover for more information

Free resources: (You'll see after clicking how to subscribe to them)

Diet Survivors meditations

Diet Survivors newsletter

Diet Survivors message board

Food and Feelings message board

Find out more about Linda Moran's book, How to Survive Your Diet.

Visit the home of the book The Rules of Normal Eating

Learn more about normal eating at Eat Normal Now

Has someone pointed out your "shoulds" to you? Are you aware that you have too many "musts"? Yet you resist shedding them.

There must be a reason why. There must be something you're getting from your "shoulds." Here are a few possibilities. You believe that if you shed the "should":

1. You'll turn into a slacker
2. You'll fail to measure up to other people
3. You'll underachieve
4. You'll appear to others as uncaring or unconcerned

Did you identify with one or more of the above reasons to cling to your shoulds?

It's no wonder you don't want to shed your "shoulds." They're wrapped up in your view of yourself and others' view of you. It's tied into your ego and sense of importance, even your compassion.

But is it true? Do you really need those rigid "shoulds"? There's nothing wrong wtih expecting things of yourself, but what if you trade in your "should" for a "would like to"? Well, guess what, you can still desire to do things, and then accomplish them. Here's a few examples:

I should forgive him
I shouldn't be angry
I shouldn't be resentful
I shouldn't raise my kids that way
I should legalize all foods

Now here's a softer approach:

I would like to try and forgive him
I would prefer not to be angry
I would like to get rid of this resentment
I would like to apply some wisdom to raising my kids
I would like to legalize all foods eventually

Interestingly, people accomplish more with the softer approach. People need slow, gradual, warming up, baby steps to bring about real change in their lives. "Shoulds" don't allow for that. "Would like to's" most certainly do. It turns out they're more effective.

In a sense, this means you're off the hook. You don't need to shed your "shoulds." But maybe it will help you to soften them. See if you would like to do that.

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Free resources: (You'll see after clicking how to subscribe to them)

Diet Survivors meditations

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Visit the home of the book The Rules of Normal Eating

In the effort to control your weight, are you already doing your best? For many of you, you've been doing your best for years already. Is there anything you can possibly do that you haven't done?

Probably not. If you feel you're already doing your best to eat reasonable portions, to avoid overeating dessert, and to stop when you're full, then why are you still making yourself crazy with diets and watching the scale?

Here's an idea. Why not ditch the scale, and just rely on doing your best? It's all you can do, right? And that way, you can enjoy life. Hey, you're either doing your personal best or your not. Make up your mind.

Are you wondering if maybe you're the type who can't help being overweight? Perhaps you heard the news recently that obesity can be caused by a virus. In a CNN interview, a leading expert says "We're not saying that a virus is the only cause of obesity, but this study provides stronger evidence that some obesity cases may involve viral infections." And what about the genetic component?

You may be wondering if you've been doing all this work for nothing. But suppose it's true. Suppose you're prone to obesity. Should you go back on a restrictive diet?

Let's look at it from a practical standpoint. You're probably reading this blog because you've heard about normal eating and maybe you're already trying it. Maybe you belong to the Diet Survivors message board, or some other similar group to help you find hunger and fullness, and learn to eat intuitively. Perhaps you've read some Geneen Roth books or Karen R. Koenig's book The Rules of Normal Eating.

But it's feeling like you're not getting anywhere.

My guess is that you were somewhere else before you tried normal eating. Were you dieting? Restricting? Purging? Yo-yo-ing? Anorexic? Bulimic? Miserable?

You get my point. You weren't happy, so now you're trying something else. If you go back to chowing down on tasteless cardboard, will you do any better?

Many people lose weight when they finally ditch the diet and try normal eating. But some don't. If you accept that you might not lose weight, will you be any worse off than you were before?

For those of you who may be starting to think your chances of losing weight are limited, maybe it's time to think in a new way. Dare to consider this possibility: maybe you can find happiness nonetheless.

By ditching the diet life, and feeding yourself properly again with delicious food, you do have a shot at happiness. It will still take some mental and psychological work, though. Defying the critical judgment of outsiders isn't easy. No joy in life comes without some work, so accept that you'll have to hunker down a bit. It's still better than your old life, right? And as you learn to follow your hunger and fullness signals, you'll begin to really feel good about yourself.

There's hope, too. With more research, the world will soon begin to bend to this idea that maybe, just maybe, it's not your fault. Meanwhile, find others who understand. Join the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board.

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Click on the book cover for more information

Free resources: (You'll see after clicking how to subscribe to them)

Diet Survivors meditations

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Find out more about Linda Moran's book, How

to Survive Your Diet.

"You have such a pretty face." There is no well-intended compliment more universally despised by the community of weight strugglers than this.

Have you ever flinched when someone said that to you?

Let's look at this awkward compliment more closely.

At first blush, it looks like an ill-fated attempt to say something nice. After all, it's truthful, right? But of course, it leaves dead air time, about as dreaded as dead air time on the radio. Everyone's thoughts are hanging out there, waiting for a speedy change of subject.

Let's give voice to the silence.

"It's too bad you're overweight."

"It's too bad it's ruined."

"So, why did you let yourself go like that?"

"Heck, as long as people focus on your smile, they won't notice the rest of you."

"But that face is going to go, too."

Wouldn't it be a hoot if someone came up to you and said "You have such a pretty body"? But don't count on it. In our culture, it's unclear what that means anyway. We're better at faces.

Better yet, wouldn't it be great if people would stop complimenting you on your face?

So now let's come back to reality. How about this. The next time you get complimented on your face, say either aloud or to yourself "and it matches my beautiful body perfectly."

It's a defiant thing to do. But defiance, my dear friends, is one key to a fulfilling life. No kidding. Without defiance, you will always limit yourself.

By the way, you have such a pretty body.

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Click on the book cover for more information

This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter.
Find out more about Linda Moran's book, How to Survive Your Diet.

Are you resilient? Here's a test:

1. Do you fall apart when someone disagrees with you?

2. Do you avoid all controversial subjects?

3. If you overeat, do you throw in the towel?

4. Is it difficult to cheer yourself up?

5. Are setbacks the same as failures?

6. Do failures mean doom?

7. Do you judge yourself unmercifully?

8. Are you intolerant of your own mistakes?

9. Do you allow others' opinions of you shape who you are?

If you fit any one of these, you may not have enough resiliency.

In Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope, and Optimism in Your Child, authors Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein say this, "Parents who engage in the process of raising resilient youngsters possess an understanding that is sometimes explicit, at other times implicit or intuitive, of what they can do to nurture a resilient mindset and behaviors in their children."

But you may not have been parented that way. And now, here you are as an adult, not terribly resilient. Is it too late?

Of course not! But how to find resiliency now?

Resilience building in children comes by way of example and positive discussions. As an adult you have the unique advantage of saying exactly what you want said to you. That is, you can do a better job now than your parents might have done, had they been at their best.

Here are some ideas:

1. Teach and model empathy to yourself

2. Listen carefully to yourself and your needs

3. Notice and comment on what you're doing right; develop a tolerance of your mistakes

4. Make yourself feel special and appreciated

5. Set realistic goals for yourself

6. Communicate self-acceptance

7. Find your areas of competence and develop them

8. Develop a habit of learning from your mistakes objectively

9. Teach yourself to make rational decisions

10. Teach yourself courage

This is a lifetime process, but did you even realize you need to do it? As adults, all of us are self-teachers. We pick up the slack where we didn't receive what we needed while being raised.

Resilience will help you with your weight and body image. Start today.

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Click on the book cover for more information

This blog is a companion to the free Yahoo! Diet Survivors message board and the free Diet Survivors newsletter.


Find out more about Linda Moran's book, How to Survive Your Diet.

Karen R. Koenig, author of two books about intuitive eating, recently said this on the Diet Survivors message board:

Oh how true her words are! But does it churn up objections? Questions such as: Why should I have to do all this work? Normal eaters don't have to work so hard!

The more accurate picture is that everyone struggles with certain things. Everyone has areas of difficulty, and overcoming them takes hard work.

It just so happens that for those of you reading this, food is one of your struggles.

An alcoholic has hard work to do and an uphill battle in order to get well. That alcoholic will still have rocky times, but can lead a good life.

Same for you. How about aiming for APPROXIMATING normalcy? Can that be sufficient for you? Especially because so many dysfunctional eaters tend to be perfectionists and b/w thinkers, I would suggest that the
goal of approximating is a worthy one, if for no other reason than the fact that a goal of imperfection may be a new idea for you.

The reason black and white thinkers fail at their goals is that they have no sufficiency barometer for themselves. They do either all or nothing.

So start today. See if it's okay to live a life in which you do things reasonably well, and sufficiently good enough.

It's a new way to live. And once you catch on, it's both a relief, and a surprise, that more of your dreams come true.