Parents differ on computer use

Parents vary widely from one family to the next in their rules about computer use, and all of it is valid. Here are a few things I've heard from speaking with parents:

1. I've tried to delay heavy computer use until my kid is much older. I'd like him to live in the real world, not the cyber-world.

2. I give her limited computer use, because there are so many dangers out there.

3. The computer is a way for my kid to talk to friends.

4. The computer games my son plays are harmless, and even thought-provoking, such as Sim City 3000, in which you can build entire towns and cities, and become the mayor and manage your city financially.

5. I'm afraid I'll get the safety instructions wrong and put my kids in danger. I'd rather just say no to the computer.

6. Programs on their hard drive are okay, but not the internet.

7. Programs on their hard drive are okay, and e-mailing, but not the web.

8. Programs, e-mail, and web sites are okay, (I have parental controls) but not chat rooms.

9. I allow everything because I know how to set it all up for safety.

10. I'm afraid he'll download something.

11. I don't even know what parental controls are.

12. Oh my kid is on the computer a lot. Kids today are different. I'm glad she's comfortable with the computer.

As you can see, one big reason why parents resist the computer has to do with their own perception of their computer ability.

But it also has to do with beliefs, values and feelings. Beliefs about technology-dependence, what friendships are supposed to look like, values about how important, safe, or essential computers may or may not be, and feelings about safety, are all factors.

And it can also change over time. In fact, many of us would describe this aspect of our family life as "flailing about."

Personally, I like IM chats because it leaves my telephone free. Kids need their peers as much as possible. When I was a kid, my main access to friends was by telephone, but it was a constant issue because we had one phone line, and worse, the telephone was treated in my home as an emergency tool only.

Our kids are social creatures, and studies now show they learn about adult relationships by years of practice in adolescence.

I find my kids love to chat with their friends, and they even use IM chats regularly to do homework together. Before you freak out, remember that teachers encourage teamwork more than they used to. Homework is more thought-provoking than it was a generation ago, too.

I see my kids brainstorm with other kids, sometimes tutor other kids, and sometimes receive tutoring from other kids. All in an IM chat! And what's more, they're safe at home while they're doing it.

But one reason for my comfort is that I've learned that my child's IM "preferences" can be set up as "opt-in." This means that there is a simple setting you can configure so that nobody has access to your kid unless your kid explicitly adds them to his buddy list. Suddenly, knowing this can reduce the fears. Your child's privelege of using instant message can now hinge on his trustworthiness to keep that setting and to disallow friends from inviting unknown friends to join. It comes down to trust.

If you'd like to allow your child to use chats, but you're not technically savvy, let your kid set it up and then show you what he did. Make him prove to you by showing you the setting that it's an opt-in setting. Then check it once in a while.

Chats are just one example of how you can nuance computer use, just by having a little knowledge. And happily, we clueless parents can learn from our kids. A requirement that our children teach us even appears on the printable parent contract that is issued by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children.

Regardless of your very valid feelings, beliefs, and values, and your computer-knowledge or lack thereof, it is reasonable to suggest that all parents place themselves somewhere on the learning curve and begin to arm themselves with knowledge, a little at a time. Iincreasing your child's priveleges can be linked to her willingness to take the time to teach you. My kids consider it a sweet deal.

And lest you think they may pull the wool over your eyes, the truth is they only know a little more than you do. It's not as easy as you might think to be led astray. Make your education from them a condition of their computer use. That will be easy--it's in the parent contract, and they have to sign it. And just by virtue of being your teacher, they'll be more likely to stay on the straight and narrow.

You might like to print the parent contract. And while you're at it, print the child's contract, too. They are both a nice springboard for discussion.