Following the school's lead? NOT!

It's a funny trait of parents that sometimes we follow the school's lead at precisely those times when the school doesn't mean for us to do that at all!

Here are just three examples off the top of my head:

1. The schools have to back off from the touchy areas of values, but it's our job and responsibility as parents to impose those values as mightily as we can. So the schools may work hard at helping our children "put off" becoming sexually active for health reasons, but then our part of the puzzle is to discuss with our kids the spiritual and moral implications.

In his book "I Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff," Dr. Peter Sheras does suggest being careful in how you communicate your values, however, to teens and tweens. Since our kids' jobs are to differentiate from us, it's best not to say "This is what you and I believe"--they'll run in the other direction if we do that.

Instead, says Dr. Sheras, it's better to say "this is what I believe, and you never know when this might be something you can fall back on yourself."

2. The schools are professionally bound to protect a child's privacy. Therefore, if our children receive some special education services or have a diagnosis of any kind, the school is hush-hush. Never talk about it. The kid gets pulled out of class every Wednesday at 11 am, but nothing is ever said about it. The other kids remain puzzled.

Ignorance and mystery are a void just begging to be filled with information, and if that information is not forthcoming, some rumors will fill in nicely. In our middle school, for example, there's a rumor among some kids that going to special education is a way for kids to get out of having to take a foreign language.

This rumor arose because there's no other explanation available to them. Is it our job as families to maintain this secrecy? Never talk about it? Not always. In fact, we must grapple with the shame the schools inadvertently communicate along with their secrecy. In some cases, being vocal with our kids, their friends, and their classmates is appropriate, but I've met parents who never thought of it--they were caught up in the secrecy.

3. When we see our schools doing things one way, we need to consider balancing it with "the other way." In my kids' middle school, the drug education program is entirely one of indoctrination. My daughter had been hearing the same message for five years in school before I found out that she had no idea that heroin is used as a base in some pharmaceuticals, and so is cocaine. She was ignorant of the other side of the story.

She must have this balanced view--the school is so zealous about the message that they've forgotten about education. So I teach my kid the more balanced view at home. This is essential because one-sided indoctrination, without sober education to back it can unravel the day they realize they haven't learned the whole truth.

Why does the school omit this information? The only reason I can conjure up is out of FEAR (not a good basis for an education decision) that the kids won't take the message as seriously if they know that drugs have a good side. This means that information is being suppressed.

Schools and families have two different jobs to do. And even if they did mean for us to follow their lead, it's not always in our children's best interest to do so.