Lying to our kids about their defects

Lying to our kids. We all do it, and sometimes it's even a good thing. But what about lying to them about their defects, difficulties, or shortcomings? Should we tell them they sing great if they can't carry a tune? Of course, it's not so black and white as that, but sometimes we set them up for shock later on.

In his book, I Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff, Peter Sheras, Ph.D., tells this anecdote,
"Melanie had undergone reconstructive plastic surgery on her face because of a childhood accident. The only remaining evidence was a slight scar running under one side of her jaw.

"Her parents had emphasized all along how pretty Melanie was and assured her nobody could even see the mark on her face.

"Then Melanie started middle school, and classmates immediately made comments about the scar or sort of stared at it, and Melanie went into a decline--sometimes frenziedly trying to restyle her hair and arrange scarves that would hide her "deformity," sometimes spending long afternoons alone in her room with the door closed."

Dr. Sheras goes on to explain that this child felt deceived by her parents.

What to do? It's not easy, but sometimes the best course of action is honesty. Our children can handle the news that they're not perfect. What they really need is some instruction in how to view themselves, and how to respond to others when they comment on their defects.

As a parent of four children, I've had some practice with this. I have a son with a serious chromosome disorder and a daughter with a facial difference. By the grace of God (I make plenty of mistakes as a mom), I handled my daughter's facial difference in a better way. In fact, something I did generated a ripple effect in her elementary school. Then I wrote the story down, and Exceptional Parent magazine published it. Exceptional Parent is the biggest-selling national magazine for parents and professionals in the disability community.

You can read this story, titled, "Outing My Kids," on my web site.