Never say THIS to your kid

In the book, I can't believe you went through my Stuff, the author points out a mistake all too many of us make. What's more annoying for a kid than to be asked, "Hmmm...now what's the lesson in this?"

In this blog, I'll highlight some salient points In found in Peter Sheras's book, I Can't Believe You Went through My Stuff. I like to think I "have it on the ball" with my kids, but there are always new things to learn, new perspectives. And besides, some days I think I'm the least qualified gal on earth for the job.

Sheras makes a big deal out of not annoying our kids. It's for a practical reason--if we work at saying things or asking questions in an un-annoying way, we'll have a shot at actually having a conversation with them. If you remember that the goal is to keep lines of communication open, you realize how important this work is.

Not being annoying is our job, and our job alone. They won't work at not being annoying, but that's not their job right now. There's an awful lot else on their plates. That's not so say we can't guide them in the direction of talking to us in more effective ways, but they're not going to work as hard as we are at saying things just so.

Here are some other points Sheras makes in his book

1. Don't be scarce. Try to be around but not noticeable. If you have a strong personality, and are used to being noticed, it's time to find your alter-ego. Learn to be wallpaper.

2. Sometimes you might like your other child better. Sheras says this is normal and understandable. Your other child might not yet be a tween, or may be an older teen who has settled down. Just keep in mind it's temporary, and that you don't really like the other kid better. You just find some things about teens grating. It will pass.

3. If they say they're mediocre at something--let's say at playing their flute, and you kind of agree, don't lie. If we tell them they're wonderful at everything, they will not only lose faith in us (they know better) but they'll also construe it as pressure that they must be good at everything.

4. Don't act alarmed at anything they say. This will make them run away. Even if they've just told you something the school has done that irks you, if you act alarmed, your kid will run to the defense of the teacher! (Try it as an experiment, just to see, but don't do it again after that.)

5. Do monitor their activities. Stay in the details of their plans for where they'll be and with whom. Sheras says our children not only don't mind this; they feel safer because we do it.

6. Resist criticizing your child's friends and forbidding certain friendships. If you do, you'll belittle your child's own sense of character judgment and desire to think for herself. Instead, speak generally about what to look for in a friend, and underscore her own discernment. This will get the point across nicely that discernment is important. In some cases, that's the best we'll be able to do.

7. As hard as you try, accept that you will not know everyone your child knows. This is why it's especially important to help your child with her own ability to judge character, rather than doing it for her.

I don't know about you, but all of these points were not entirely obvious to me. I'm now meditating on them.