June 2006 Archives
Sometimes I don't know who's moodier--my thirteen year old, or me. She seems to criticize everything I do, and appears to not like being inconvenienced. This upsets me. I don't like being a doormat. I want to be appreciated.
Yet, hear me out. This is not a spoiled kid. All four of my kids are well aware of both what they have, and what they don't have.
We've had numerous family discussions about the fact that we are "visitors" to a fairly wealthy town, and that although they have less than many of their friends, they likely have more now than they will as adults. We tell them they're probably at a higher standard of living now than they will in their futures.
When I say we're "visitors," I don't mean that literally. But it helps them to think that we don't really belong here in this town. It helps them appreciate what their friends have without feeling deprived of such things themselves. Heck, they get invited to way cool parties!
By reminding them that they may be at a higher standard of living now than they might be as adults, I think we're helping relieve any pressure they could otherwise feel as adults to earn a huge income. I'd rather they follow their hearts to satisfying careers.
Every family makes choices according to personal interest. Since my husband and I are both computer geeks, all four of our kids have nice computers, even the eight year old. But nice furniture? Lavish vacations? No. We all make our choices. When visitors come to our house, they often sputter out, "It's so...kid-oriented!"
Indeed it is. But here's my latest tussle with my teen. I'm my children's private systems administrator, and right now I'm making software repairs to her computer. And the fact that I'm fixing her computer right now is inconveniencing her.
She knows better, but when I interrupt her IM chatting for a few minutes so I can test something, she sits an inch from me and heaves deep sighs while waiting. Then when I blow up at her (I already go out of my way to keep things as convenient for her as possible), she claims not to know what she did.
She's a reactive person. Gee, I wonder where she gets it from. I think this is a classic case of daughter being a little too much like her mother. So I get unnerved and yell at her, and she promises to do better but then it happens again, and worse, she does this "clueless" teenage stutter that's meant to indicate she has no idea what she's done and that she's being persecuted. Sometimes in desperation, I imitate it, which she finds hurtful.
Got a pretty good picture? Yesterday it happened again, and then she went off on a school field trip. It's days like this when I'm sure she'll be in some fatal school bus crash, and I'll be haunted the rest of my life with how I talked to her before she left the house.
Hey there's nothing profound here. I'm just spilling my guts. I have a mantra these days, which I repeat to myself often. My mantra is "Xanax."
Today, after taking the time to cool off, I tried again to express to her that I already go out of my way not to inconvenience her, but sometimes that's not possible, and then I feel hurt when she expects it. I cried a few real tears. I think she was surprised.
Once again, she promised to "do better." I'm not expecting anything, though. She says the first thing that comes to her, and thinks later.
I generally don't pick reactive friends, because one of us is enough in a friendship. Instead, I tend to pick the calm types. But I have no choice. This is my daughter. Can she be my friend?
Perhaps I need to re-frame whether it really is okay if sparks fly. But I know I hurt her back sometimes, and I'd strongly prefer not to do that.
I guess I need to be the grownup in the situation, and see if I can be less reactive myself. It's important.
