Track marks in the carpet

"Just leave track marks in the carpet, okay?" Why would I say this to my kid when she's baking cookies? What do carpets have to do with chocolate chips?

Cookie-baking, in a teen's mind, is about baking only. What teen do you know that considers the planning, the purchase of ingredients, the cleanup, and the storage of the baked cookies afterward? None, I'm afraid.

And if they really did think about all these parts of the task ahead of time, they might decline on baking cookies. Too much work, too many things to remember, too much pressure to get it right. Too complicated for their young, still developing brains.

Here's what I've noticed. Teens harbor secret beliefs, just as we adults do. One of those beliefs, while only subconscious, influences our everyday interactions with them. It permeates cleaning their room, doing their chores, practicing their instruments, and the list goes on. You get the idea. The belief goes something like this:

"If I agree to do all that work, it will always be expected of me from this day forward. Instead, I'll conveniently forget all the parts I don't like. Then they can drag it out of me, and they'll be happy if I just clean up the spilled chocolate chips on the kitchen floor and nothing more."

Not long ago, I recalled a friend of my husband's who used to invite his buddies to his parent's summer home. His mom had a rule: "If you're going to use my summer home, just leave track marks in the carpet so it looks like you attempted to vacuum and clean up."

Remembering this, I shared the anecdote with my teen. Just a few days later, she brought up the subject (a wonder in itself that she remembered something I told her.) She said, "Mom, do you remember the story about the track marks in the carpet? Well, that's how I did my chores today."

I've never seen her so earnest about housework. She had a sparkle in her eye. It occurs to me that when I tell my kids they only need to give the appearance of trying, it takes the pressure off of perfection, and they're more willing to try. After all, adults will always do a better job, so they're already set up for substandard work. Lowering the standards may be just what they need to get motivated.

I've used this tactic in the past without realizing it. At times I have said, "Can you two please pretend you get along while we're all in the car? Can you just give the appearance that you like each other?" Thinking back, that worked pretty well. Low pressure. Track marks in the carpet.