March 2007 Archives
This problem was posted to the Teens and Tweens board:
I need some ideas. My daughter's self esteem is pretty low because a "mean" girl in her class tells her every day that she is ugly and stupid. I tell her again and again that it is not true...she is smart...beautiful...etc. As soon as I get her self esteem up again, is just gets knocked down.
Her teacher is aware of the situation, but nothing is being done
because the "mean" girl's mother works at the school.
Any suggestions for building up her self esteem would be greatly
appreciated!
As much as I hate to say it, this isn't about fixing the mean girl. There's a belief system your daughter harbors which can get fed into by anything anywhere anytime.
Belief systems can happen to anybody. We all have them. When they're grossly inaccurate, they lead to things like low self-image.
Worse, her belief system is like teflon. Anything you say doesn't stick. It may brighten her up for a day, but that's all.
I've sometimes discussed belief systems with my kids. What they need to know is that their belief system is up to them, not up to me. She can continue to look for evidence that she's less than otehrs, or she can get fed up and decide to ditch the belief system.
Here's an example of a different belief system I've dealt with. My kid had the belief system that I'm not fair to my kids. She interpreted everything I did as evidence that she was right--that she was getting a raw deal. A mother can make herself crazy trying to show otherwise.
I finally sat her down and explained to her her own belief system. I helped her see that she will look for evidence to support it, no matter what I do. Then I declared myself done with trying to show her evidence to the contrary. I explained that day forward, she would be responsible for what she believed. She would have to decide for herself that I either love her or I don't. That I'm either already doing my best to show it, or I'm not. I wasn't going to go out of my way anymore.
It took her only a few days to realize I had dropped the whole game. So did she.
Somewhere in that, she decided to take responsibility for what she believed. It hasn't been a problem since.
Giving your daughter complete responsibility over her own belief system will be a relief to her. But first you might want to think this over, and become sure FOR YOURSELF that what I'm saying is true.
So in a sense, you have belief work to do first. LOL :) Keep us posted. I find belief work with kids to be fascinating. It requires a lot of work from us.
