Linda Moran: February 2006 Archives

It's a funny trait of parents that sometimes we follow the school's lead at precisely those times when the school doesn't mean for us to do that at all!

Here are just three examples off the top of my head:

1. The schools have to back off from the touchy areas of values, but it's our job and responsibility as parents to impose those values as mightily as we can. So the schools may work hard at helping our children "put off" becoming sexually active for health reasons, but then our part of the puzzle is to discuss with our kids the spiritual and moral implications.

In his book "I Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff," Dr. Peter Sheras does suggest being careful in how you communicate your values, however, to teens and tweens. Since our kids' jobs are to differentiate from us, it's best not to say "This is what you and I believe"--they'll run in the other direction if we do that.

Instead, says Dr. Sheras, it's better to say "this is what I believe, and you never know when this might be something you can fall back on yourself."

2. The schools are professionally bound to protect a child's privacy. Therefore, if our children receive some special education services or have a diagnosis of any kind, the school is hush-hush. Never talk about it. The kid gets pulled out of class every Wednesday at 11 am, but nothing is ever said about it. The other kids remain puzzled.

Ignorance and mystery are a void just begging to be filled with information, and if that information is not forthcoming, some rumors will fill in nicely. In our middle school, for example, there's a rumor among some kids that going to special education is a way for kids to get out of having to take a foreign language.

This rumor arose because there's no other explanation available to them. Is it our job as families to maintain this secrecy? Never talk about it? Not always. In fact, we must grapple with the shame the schools inadvertently communicate along with their secrecy. In some cases, being vocal with our kids, their friends, and their classmates is appropriate, but I've met parents who never thought of it--they were caught up in the secrecy.

3. When we see our schools doing things one way, we need to consider balancing it with "the other way." In my kids' middle school, the drug education program is entirely one of indoctrination. My daughter had been hearing the same message for five years in school before I found out that she had no idea that heroin is used as a base in some pharmaceuticals, and so is cocaine. She was ignorant of the other side of the story.

She must have this balanced view--the school is so zealous about the message that they've forgotten about education. So I teach my kid the more balanced view at home. This is essential because one-sided indoctrination, without sober education to back it can unravel the day they realize they haven't learned the whole truth.

Why does the school omit this information? The only reason I can conjure up is out of FEAR (not a good basis for an education decision) that the kids won't take the message as seriously if they know that drugs have a good side. This means that information is being suppressed.

Schools and families have two different jobs to do. And even if they did mean for us to follow their lead, it's not always in our children's best interest to do so.

In the book, I can't believe you went through my Stuff, the author points out a mistake all too many of us make. What's more annoying for a kid than to be asked, "Hmmm...now what's the lesson in this?"

In this blog, I'll highlight some salient points In found in Peter Sheras's book, I Can't Believe You Went through My Stuff. I like to think I "have it on the ball" with my kids, but there are always new things to learn, new perspectives. And besides, some days I think I'm the least qualified gal on earth for the job.

Sheras makes a big deal out of not annoying our kids. It's for a practical reason--if we work at saying things or asking questions in an un-annoying way, we'll have a shot at actually having a conversation with them. If you remember that the goal is to keep lines of communication open, you realize how important this work is.

Not being annoying is our job, and our job alone. They won't work at not being annoying, but that's not their job right now. There's an awful lot else on their plates. That's not so say we can't guide them in the direction of talking to us in more effective ways, but they're not going to work as hard as we are at saying things just so.

Here are some other points Sheras makes in his book

1. Don't be scarce. Try to be around but not noticeable. If you have a strong personality, and are used to being noticed, it's time to find your alter-ego. Learn to be wallpaper.

2. Sometimes you might like your other child better. Sheras says this is normal and understandable. Your other child might not yet be a tween, or may be an older teen who has settled down. Just keep in mind it's temporary, and that you don't really like the other kid better. You just find some things about teens grating. It will pass.

3. If they say they're mediocre at something--let's say at playing their flute, and you kind of agree, don't lie. If we tell them they're wonderful at everything, they will not only lose faith in us (they know better) but they'll also construe it as pressure that they must be good at everything.

4. Don't act alarmed at anything they say. This will make them run away. Even if they've just told you something the school has done that irks you, if you act alarmed, your kid will run to the defense of the teacher! (Try it as an experiment, just to see, but don't do it again after that.)

5. Do monitor their activities. Stay in the details of their plans for where they'll be and with whom. Sheras says our children not only don't mind this; they feel safer because we do it.

6. Resist criticizing your child's friends and forbidding certain friendships. If you do, you'll belittle your child's own sense of character judgment and desire to think for herself. Instead, speak generally about what to look for in a friend, and underscore her own discernment. This will get the point across nicely that discernment is important. In some cases, that's the best we'll be able to do.

7. As hard as you try, accept that you will not know everyone your child knows. This is why it's especially important to help your child with her own ability to judge character, rather than doing it for her.

I don't know about you, but all of these points were not entirely obvious to me. I'm now meditating on them.

Lying to our kids. We all do it, and sometimes it's even a good thing. But what about lying to them about their defects, difficulties, or shortcomings? Should we tell them they sing great if they can't carry a tune? Of course, it's not so black and white as that, but sometimes we set them up for shock later on.

In his book, I Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff, Peter Sheras, Ph.D., tells this anecdote,
"Melanie had undergone reconstructive plastic surgery on her face because of a childhood accident. The only remaining evidence was a slight scar running under one side of her jaw.

"Her parents had emphasized all along how pretty Melanie was and assured her nobody could even see the mark on her face.

"Then Melanie started middle school, and classmates immediately made comments about the scar or sort of stared at it, and Melanie went into a decline--sometimes frenziedly trying to restyle her hair and arrange scarves that would hide her "deformity," sometimes spending long afternoons alone in her room with the door closed."

Dr. Sheras goes on to explain that this child felt deceived by her parents.

What to do? It's not easy, but sometimes the best course of action is honesty. Our children can handle the news that they're not perfect. What they really need is some instruction in how to view themselves, and how to respond to others when they comment on their defects.

As a parent of four children, I've had some practice with this. I have a son with a serious chromosome disorder and a daughter with a facial difference. By the grace of God (I make plenty of mistakes as a mom), I handled my daughter's facial difference in a better way. In fact, something I did generated a ripple effect in her elementary school. Then I wrote the story down, and Exceptional Parent magazine published it. Exceptional Parent is the biggest-selling national magazine for parents and professionals in the disability community.

You can read this story, titled, "Outing My Kids," on my web site.