Linda Moran: February 2007 Archives

Lying about lying--the title conjures up an image of your teen, fingers crossed behind his back, asserting, "It's the truth. That's really where I was. It's not a lie."

But that's not the lying about lying that I'm talking about. I'm talking about us parents. We lie all the time about lying. And when we do that, we damage our relationship with our kids. That's because lying, when done for the wrong reasons, damages relationships.

What we all want is a good relationship with our kids, right? That's how we will all get through their adolescence intact.

Even the ultra-conservative Dr. James Dobson, whom you would think would offer hard and fast rules about raising an adolescent once said: "Your main goal as a parent is to help them weather their adolescence."

And if we work at a good relationship now, maybe we'll even have a shot at a friendship with our kids when they reach adulthood. No guarantees, of course, but I, for one, am game to try.

But notice something said above. Lying damages relationships if it's done for the wrong reasons. Are there some right reasons to lie? Yes, and that's where we go wrong. We don't tell our kids the difference.

I'll explain. When we paint a black and white picture about lying vs. not lying, telling them they should never lie, it isn't true. Conscious of it or not, we're lying to them about lying.

When we dare to ponder this thought at all, we usually come up with the standard three exceptions to the rule:

1. Lying about a surprise party
2. Lying on the phone about who is home
3. Lying about how someone looks

Hopefully, we're telling our kids about these exceptions, but we should also tell them about the fact that lying has exceptions.

It backfires to say "no lying" and then to model lying. To say "no lying" and then to model lying wreaks havoc on our credibility. How can our kids ever trust us? We need to get honest.

There are more, though:

4. Lying to your nosy competitor at work that should have known better than to ask you about your company's secret plans
5. Lying to protect someone from serious harm
6. Lying that you don't feel well, and can't make it, when in fact you're in your first trimester of pregnancy and on ordered bed rest, and you're not ready to tell anybody the good news yet.
7. Criminal investigators know that "no comment" sometimes gives away too much information to the press. To protect evidence, they must say they don't have information that they do have. To give away too much evidence is to lose a chance at a cloaked confession from someone who knows details that no one else knows.

The list goes on and on.

The issue of lying is more subtle than "don't ever lie." Lying is complicated and nuanced--more so than we like to admit. A few salient points about lying:

1. Lying can bless people
2. Lying is part of being social
3. "Don't lie" is the wrong lesson
4. Whether a lie will hurt a relationship is a better lesson
5. Modeling and explaining are, together, the best ways to teach our kids discernment about lies

It's not even always easy to discern whether lying will hurt a relationship. In the case of the pregnancy, for example, your relative might understand afterward, but might not. In this case, know your own boundaries. If this is a relative who's likely to spill the beans before you're ready, you might have to take the chance of offending her, and stick to your lie for now. You're sort of sick, right? After all, you are lying down.

There are other boundaries around lying, too, aside from whether the lie will hurt a relationship.

We need to also consider: whether we could get caught, what are the consequences of getting caught, how we will feel about the lie, and sometimes...is it simply the right or wrong thing to do.

The able-bodied woman who gets away with parking in handicapped parking while her disabled husband isn't with her in the car may get caught, leading to the loss of the privilege of a handicap license for her husband. This could be a devastating consequence.

Some parents feel that Santa and the Tooth Fairy are lies. When their kids outright ask, they tell the truth. Other parents are fine with this kind of lie, as it furthers a fun childhood tradition, and the risk of hurting the relationship is nil.

The citizen who cheats on his taxes may feel just fine, but it's simply the wrong and unpatriotic thing to do. Inside all of us is a core of integrity against which we can measure certain decisions. Some people call it a conscience. And we all know when to call upon that integrity. We just know that it is wrong. Whether we choose to ignore our conscience is a different matter.

Clearly, lying is more complicated and nuanced than many of us have wanted to convey to our kids. But not explaining this fact is a terrible mistake.

We need to stop lying about lying, on the basis that this kind of lie is precisely the kind that hurts our relationship with our kids, possibly irreparably.

We need to instead engage in some rich, honest discussions about all the subtleties of lying, including how to discern when lying will damage a relationship.

Then we can tell our kids we trust their discernment, and can release them to use it. And watch what happens:

Watch how appropriate lying falls into place in a young teen in a way you wish you saw in a lot of adults you know.

Watch how quickly they catch on to not wanting to hurt relationships, including the one they have with you--after all, your wisdom is of such great value in their eyes.

And when you catch them lying to you appropriately, let it go.

Do your kids listen to you or not? Do they respect your point of view or don't they?

If you think that giving your daughter the HPV vaccine is an action that speaks louder than your words, then you are making the stunning admission that your values don't rate. You have a bigger problem than whether or not to give the HPV vaccine.

To say that the HPV vaccine condones premarital sex or careless sex is a fatalistic attitude that belies your own sense of powerlessness as a positive model to your kids.

And I know this statement might bring the sting of conviction, but folks who choose not to immunize their daughters in the name of morality or religion are more concerned about sending a message than with the safety of their loved ones.

What's more important to you--your daughter's safety? Or your platform?

I know which I choose for my two daughters. And since I don't live in Texas, I don't even get the luxury of blaming it on my state when I willingly haul my kids to the doctor this spring.

My girls, age 11 and 13, respect my values. But even if they do choose my values, which as adults will be up to them, and they do wait until marriage to have sex, what about date rape? What about getting a spiked drink at a party? These are risks, too.

And what about the young lady who remains a virgin until marriage, but her husband didn't do so well? A member of the Teens and Tweens message board put it this way:

"I could not agree more with those who say sex belongs only in marriage. However, even if a young woman remains abstinent until marriage and monogamous throughout her marriage, if her husband does not, he can pass this virus to her. The virus does not care who it infects.

"The sad reality is that for the most part, most of our daughters will not have future husbands who have been abstinent until marriage; therefore I will do whatever it takes to protect them. I liken it to learning CPR, better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it."

I want to reduce all of my daughters' risks, not just some. So I talk about everything that can happen, from spiked drinks to cancer. I want to keep them safe in every way. To me, if your kids know your values, there's no contradiction.

HPV causes cervical cancer. Cancer kills. I want my girls to live a long life.

Bringing my girls to the doctor this spring for the HPV vaccine is a poignant way of communicating my love for them. The message that I love them this much will help them make good choices in their sexual futures. And the message that I refuse to use them as a platform will only double the love, thus doubling their self-care.

There's one other compelling reason to seriously consider this vaccine now: it's only effective if given before sexual activity begins.

Is the vaccine safe? That's a different question, and I will research it for myself before their appointments.

The cot mattress lay on the dark blue carpet again, skewed diagonally, one corner shifted slightly under my daughter's bed. Uncovered by any sheet, its dull flower pattern shown under a scrunched child's sleeping bag.

It's not so unusual a sight in my dear teen daughter's bedroom--she hosts many a girl sleepover in her otherwise cordoned off haven. This room is off limits to all but the invited, and is especially closed to siblings. Set apart from the rest of the house, it even has its own smell, that of an air freshener that wafts out into the hallway whenever the door is cracked a smidgen.

But this was a weekday and there was no sleepover. Admittedly, it took three days for me to notice it, but that's because I am one of the forbidden except for once a day when I step over books, magazines and dirty laundry to make the bed.

I figure it this way--she gets up so early there's no time to make the bed herself. Yet it's nice for her to come home to a made bed, the only tidy part of her room. So every day I dutifully make her bed, sometimes stepping over the skewed cot mattress to do it.

Making the bed this morning, it finally dawned on me to ask nobody in particular, "why is the cot mattress in here this week?"

My husband is away all week, and things are a bit topsy turvey. My eight-year-old feels lonely without him, necessitating extra hugs at night. That may be why I'm so tired and not noticing things. My little guy wakes me up for those hugs.

Sibling issues among my four are often worse, too, when hubby's away, and my dear teen daughter and the eight-year-old are no exception. They've been snapping at each other a bit. I am ever hopeful for the future, though, because my teen really does have a good heart, beneath all the vicissitudes of adolescence.

Today I thought to ask dear daughter about the cot mattress, but I forgot until after she'd left for school. So her eight-year-old brother became the recipient of the question. It's amazing how much a little brother knows about the goings on of siblings, so I thought it was worth a shot.

So on the way to school, I asked him in the car--why does your sister have the cot set up? "Oh" he said," that was for me while Daddy's away. She said I can come in and sleep there any time I feel lonely. I was there last night."

My heart goes ka-thump today.

A mother of an 8 year old child with some medical issues and cognitive delays asked what to do about a problem. Her child is mainstreamed for part of the school day, and attends a special education class the other part of the day. This child has complained recently of being teased in school.

Following is my response:

Congrats on having a "different" child. Contrary to what some say, I don't believe God chooses special parents for special kids (at least not in my case!) Rather, I think as parents, if we're given a special needs child, we rise to the occasion as best we can. It's a tall order, but it makes us grow if we're doing it right.

As you know better than anybody, there's never one big solution to helping a child with special needs. Instead, we manage our kids' differences on a daily basis. I have a little experience with kids who are different.

My first child (14) has Down syndrome, making him both physically and mentally delayed.

My second child (13) has NDA. That stands for "not diagnosed with anything."

My third child (11) was born with a muscle missing in her face, causing her smile to droop on one side

My fourth child (8) is both gifted and color blind, setting him apart in many ways, yet making him dependent on others (can someone please find me a brown crayon?)

Both my now 13 year old daughter and I have been published in Exceptional Parent magazine, which is the number one selling magazine for parents and professionals in the disability community.

My family has had the good fortune to spend twelve summers at a disability camp, where we've had the privilege to meet a whole range of kids and adults with every kind of difference possible, many quite severe differences, delays, and disabilities.

So I guess you could say we've dealt with this topic, and, as you can imagine, I have a few thoughts.

Because of my oldest, I end up being a sounding board again and again for parents whose kids are classified. Most of these parents have kids who look normal from the outside, and are very high functioning. These seem to be the parents who struggle the most, perhaps not so surprisingly.

Many of these parents work hard at normalizing their kids, and I can't say that I blame them. They come to me because they're frustrated by how their kids are treated at school.

There's a weird thing that goes on in our schools, and it has to do with privacy. Teachers and administrators are charged with protecting your privacy to such a degree that they are never in a position to talk about differences.

All other differences, such as race, religion, and culture are celebrated in school. It's called diversity. But when it comes to learning differences, disabilities, or medical issues, it's called privacy.

That kind of atmosphere leads to shame for the child, and ignorance for the other kids. Kids crave information when it comes to someone a little different, and when they get it, they're satisfied. Then they're able to better interact with a kid who is different. In other words, being "out" about a child is what normalizes him.

The parents end up making a mistake, and it's an understandable and right-hearted one. They take their cue from the school, and stay hush hush about their kid's difference. But parents are not bound by the privacy law.

Parents and schools are on the same team, but as you know, a team's players don't all play the same role. They all have different jobs to do. Parents are allowed to be as open as they care to be. It is my opinion that in most cases, the openness is what's needed.

I asked a teacher once to discuss my third child's facial difference in class. It took a little convincing that I was allowed to ask her to do this, and that she is allowed to do it if the parent asks. She was so accustomed to privacy that it took some persuasion for her to remember that parents can override this privacy. Once she warmed up to the idea, she was able to run with it.

The catalyst for my request had been the day the kids got their professional photos back from the photo lab, and they were distributed in class. My then 8 year old daughter's smile was crooked in the picture, and someone made fun of it.

The result of the class discussion turned out to be so earth shattering that I wrote the whole story, sent it to Exceptional Parent magazine, and the story got published in the March 2004 issue of the magazine. At the end of this article, I'll provide the link to "Outing My Kids."

Once you've read "Outing My Kids," there's a second essay, and I promise it's much shorter. It's one of my blog entries, and it's called "Following the School's Lead? Not!" I'll give you that link too.

I've worked hard at setting a tone for discussion in my children's schools. Once, when a child on the playground commented on my son's unusual eyes, and the infantile way that he plays, I went over to the child and praised him for his observation skills. The kid couldn't have been more than seven, but he was fascinated with my simple explanation that my son has a disability called Down syndrome, that this means he looks a little different and maybe acts a little different, but that he likes to play just like other kids.

Then I suggested to this mesmerized child that he might grow up to one day be a doctor or social worker who cares very much about people with disabilities. He went away beaming.

That child could easily have been misinterpreted as being nosy or mean. But he was just asking, and he's entitled to an answer. If he'd asked such a question in school, he would have been hushed. As parents, we need to combat this.

When we as adults avoid a subject, we communicate loud and clear that the subject must be terrible and shameful. In contrast, when we do allow discussion and provide explanation, children can fill in their natural curiosity with information.

Children will fill in the blanks with something, no matter what you do. It's up to us as adults to decide if they'll make something up, which is usually not good, or whether they will receive the right information. And there's always a way to explain it, even if the child has a specific diagnosis. What curious kids need is a word. At very least, you can tell them, "Oh she has some cognitive delays, which means she may have to work a little harder than you to learn things."

It may come down to our own comfort with our child's differences.

Here are the articles:

Outing My Kids

Following the School's Lead? Not!